There was a time in life  I’d wake up every morning thinking I knew who I was until the day came that I realized I didn’t know myself at all.  I wasn’t sure where my life was heading and if I’d ever get to that destination. I spent more time worrying about what I didn’t have that I stopped focusing on the journey ahead.

A chunk of my life has been spent letting people dictate who I’d be; mostly the men I caught myself falling for. I was weak, I didn’t have a voice and I damn sure wasn’t using my mind. I look back and I see that I almost let my life go down a path of destruction. I’ve done things that I’ll never be able to take back. For years I was upset with myself and tried to bury the past. How could I almost let my life come to that?  I was disappointed in myself but that was a chapter of my life that made a piece of me. I thought I regretted the situation until I realized I learned and grew from it. I was not that person but I still had some searching to do.

I went about my life. Was in college not knowing what I wanted to major in. Like most students do I spent my first year undeclared till I finally realized I wanted to major in journalism with an emphasis in magazine. Everyone kept saying it doesn’t make much but I had a goal set in my head. I wanted to work for a magazine company and then eventually have my own magazine/ blog that women and men alike could relate to. I knew I wanted to be a known writer. Finishing college almost wasn’t in my future. I remember going on my third year having a talk with my mom about dropping out. Part of me felt like I was wasting my time. I’m happy I didn’t go with my first thought and leave. Still I’ve seemed to let my goal of being a writer get away from me as I found myself once again distracted by what I thought was love.

What was love anyway? I honestly had no clue. Besides my first love every guy after has disrespect it me in more than one way and I took it because I believed that the good times outweigh the bad ones. Back then I didn’t realize my worth. Did I really want love that bad that I was willing to lose myself before I got the opportunity to figure out who I was? Truth is, I did. I always thought I’d find the love of my life, be married, have a great career and a beautiful home all by the age of 25.

I was living in a fantasy and never thought realistically about what I wanted. Nothing is going to be handed to me and it’s damn sure not going to come easy. I had to work for what I wanted but this entire time I failed to realize in order to get what I want out of life it starts with me.

Even becoming a mother in some way has stopped me from fully finding myself. Don’t get me wrong, becoming a mom gave me a voice and strength I didn’t know I had. It wasn’t until I gave birth that I realized WE deserved so much better. I told myself I wouldn’t let anyone disrespect me because I never want him to think that’s okay. He woke me up for sure but I feel like that’s all I am now; a mother. My focus stopped being about me. My own life stopped before it began and my main focus has become my son. I’m learning that for me to be the best mom I can be I still have to make some time for myself. I need to get back into doing the things I love because it will benefit the both of us. The happier I am with myself I know the better mother I will be. The goal is to make sure I’ll always be able to keep him smiling, food in his stomach, clothes on his back, shoes on his feet and a roof over his head. I want him to know that he can be anything he wants to be as long as he works hard.

So far 2017 has been the year of working on me; finding what makes me happy and feel at peace. I’m figuring out that writing again and drowning my thoughts with music (not that ratchet mess lol) helps me cope when I start to feel overwhelmed, stressed and doubting what I was put on this Earth for. I’m accepting that I’m flawed and I’m finding my perfection in the imperfect. It’s beautiful getting to know yourself and I have much more to learn. My dreams of becoming a writer will come true. I’ve been working on stories and getting back into the groove of writing poems and blog post. This is part of my journey and my growth. I have to keep reminding myself to push for what I want and don’t let the little things distract me. With the support of my family, friends and most importantly having faith in myself anything is possible.

Posted by:Sydney Reneé

Sydney Reneé, was and is woman searching for herself. For an outlet she turned to writing. The Diary of She became a public journal of her personal experiences, opinions and poetry. Through her journey she came to realize she wasn't only helping herself but other women who had been in her situation and may be currently dealing with the same struggles. Sydney Reneé continues to be an inspiration to all the women going through it, reminding them that it's never too late to go after your dreams and speak your truth.

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