There was a time in life I’d wake up every morning thinking I knew who I was until the day came that I realized I didn’t know myself at all. I wasn’t sure where my life was heading and if I’d ever get to that destination. I spent more time worrying about what I didn’t have that I stopped focusing on the journey ahead.
A chunk of my life has been spent letting people dictate who I’d be; mostly the men I caught myself falling for. I was weak, I didn’t have a voice and I damn sure wasn’t using my mind. I look back and I see that I almost let my life go down a path of destruction. I’ve done things that I’ll never be able to take back. For years I was upset with myself and tried to bury the past. How could I almost let my life come to that? I was disappointed in myself but that was a chapter of my life that made a piece of me. I thought I regretted the situation until I realized I learned and grew from it. I was not that person but I still had some searching to do.
I went about my life. Was in college not knowing what I wanted to major in. Like most students do I spent my first year undeclared till I finally realized I wanted to major in journalism with an emphasis in magazine. Everyone kept saying it doesn’t make much but I had a goal set in my head. I wanted to work for a magazine company and then eventually have my own magazine/ blog that women and men alike could relate to. I knew I wanted to be a known writer. Finishing college almost wasn’t in my future. I remember going on my third year having a talk with my mom about dropping out. Part of me felt like I was wasting my time. I’m happy I didn’t go with my first thought and leave. Still I’ve seemed to let my goal of being a writer get away from me as I found myself once again distracted by what I thought was love.
What was love anyway? I honestly had no clue. Besides my first love every guy after has disrespect it me in more than one way and I took it because I believed that the good times outweigh the bad ones. Back then I didn’t realize my worth. Did I really want love that bad that I was willing to lose myself before I got the opportunity to figure out who I was? Truth is, I did. I always thought I’d find the love of my life, be married, have a great career and a beautiful home all by the age of 25.
I was living in a fantasy and never thought realistically about what I wanted. Nothing is going to be handed to me and it’s damn sure not going to come easy. I had to work for what I wanted but this entire time I failed to realize in order to get what I want out of life it starts with me.
Even becoming a mother in some way has stopped me from fully finding myself. Don’t get me wrong, becoming a mom gave me a voice and strength I didn’t know I had. It wasn’t until I gave birth that I realized WE deserved so much better. I told myself I wouldn’t let anyone disrespect me because I never want him to think that’s okay. He woke me up for sure but I feel like that’s all I am now; a mother. My focus stopped being about me. My own life stopped before it began and my main focus has become my son. I’m learning that for me to be the best mom I can be I still have to make some time for myself. I need to get back into doing the things I love because it will benefit the both of us. The happier I am with myself I know the better mother I will be. The goal is to make sure I’ll always be able to keep him smiling, food in his stomach, clothes on his back, shoes on his feet and a roof over his head. I want him to know that he can be anything he wants to be as long as he works hard.
So far 2017 has been the year of working on me; finding what makes me happy and feel at peace. I’m figuring out that writing again and drowning my thoughts with music (not that ratchet mess lol) helps me cope when I start to feel overwhelmed, stressed and doubting what I was put on this Earth for. I’m accepting that I’m flawed and I’m finding my perfection in the imperfect. It’s beautiful getting to know yourself and I have much more to learn. My dreams of becoming a writer will come true. I’ve been working on stories and getting back into the groove of writing poems and blog post. This is part of my journey and my growth. I have to keep reminding myself to push for what I want and don’t let the little things distract me. With the support of my family, friends and most importantly having faith in myself anything is possible.