Site icon The Diary of She

That One Time I Thought I Was A Lesbian…

Maybe it was twice. Hell, it could have been three or four times. Who really knows? What I do know is I thought I’d be giving up on guys and welcoming the embrace of a woman for life. Okay maybe not for life because I want the husband and all, but for however long our relationship lasted.

I never grew up being freaked out by girls liking one another or fearing a female hitting on me because I was already used to being around the LGBT community. My older sister is a proud lesbian and was recently married to the love of her life. Let me tell you I thought I’d never see the day. I remember when gay marriage was legalized she wasn’t super hyped about it because she said she wasn’t getting married. Look at her now; Mrs. Lewis and shit. It’s beautiful as fuck. Okay anyways I’m getting sidetracked. Like I was saying I was used to the LGBT community. There was never a moment I felt uncomfortable. When my sister came out it was a shock to my parents and they did not take it well but because of the love they have for my sister they learned to accept it. For me, it wasn’t a surprise at all. I feel like I already knew she liked females and it was confirmed once she started bringing her girlfriends around, most of which I loved.

Now this is where we get into me thinking I was a lesbian. My junior year was coming to an end and I was living with my sister and her girlfriend. Her girlfriend had this cousin (T) that started to come around more than often. The first time I seen her was at my dad’s apartments. She came with my sister’s girl to pick me up or maybe it was to drop me off. Either way, we started talking to each other on MySpace and she brought me McDonald’s to the house when I got out of school. Back in high school a #2 and milk duds were the way to my heart. Childish as fuck right? Well the more we talked and she came around I started to find myself attracted to her and I wanted to date her. Now she wasn’t all girly, definitely a stub but she did act hella feminine, which is probably why I found myself attracted to her. Before I started ‘talking’ to her I asked my sister how she felt about it and she was kind of just like if you feel that way go for it but she didn’t like the girl all that much. I can remember going on a double date with her and these other gay girls. I seen one of my best friends and she looked at me like what the hell are you doing here with these gay girls. I didn’t admit that I was on a date I just told her I was with some friends. We never went past the kissing and friendly touching but when she found out I was moving to Richmond she stopped speaking to me. Bitch hurt my feelings. I broke up with my boyfriend at the time to talk to her and he was pissed the hell off. I really thought this girl was going to be my girlfriend.

I’ll admit that after this experience I always stayed a little curious about dating a female. My senior year I can remember having my fake girlfriend. We’d kiss and we even had those fake tattoos that last for a few weeks, of each other’s names on our waist. Then I had about two girls on MySpace I constantly found myself flirting with. We exchanged numbers and always made sure to keep in contact but we never actually met up. Oh then there was my crush who I still speak to till this day. She’s so cute to me with her skinny self lol. I used to have hella dreams about her and I. I’ve probably kissed one girl after that on a drunken night in college but that was about it for my bi-sexual stage. Oh wait I can’t forget about the girl on the basketball team in college. I set myself up on that one. Never get drunk and spend the night with a gay girl that kind likes you. I was close to having a girlfriend I didn’t ask for. She was nice though.

It’s normal for females to find other women attractive and do shit like look at their asses and tell them how fine they are. Usually we don’t take it anywhere passed that stage. I really had to sit back and ask myself would I go all the way with a female. I couldn’t say if I would or would not because you never know. For instance does me watching lesbian porn make me gay? Honestly I just think watching females go at each other turns me on more because they aren’t so rough. It’s actually a little romantic. While watching I always find myself getting curious again. I wouldn’t mind being with a female but then I would be a fake ass lesbian because I’m sure I’d rather receive then give. That’s not fair right? Unless I met a female that didn’t like to receive then it would be good to go. I have those friends who say I’m secretly a lesbian, I just haven’t come out yet lol. I still find myself crushing on a female here and there but I think that’s all it is, a crush. If I ever met Rihanna or Siya though, I’d be down for the cause FOR SURE.

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