This is a very touchy subject but I thought I’d put it out there because you never know who you’re helping or who has had the same experience as you. I know there’s going to be people who judge me and think I’m this horrible individual but we all make choices in life and this is mine to live with..

Currently I’m sitting at my desk and looking through my  Tumblr archive and I came across a post from 2012:

As many of you may know from previous post that I’ve had one abortion when I was 17. Although I don’t talk about it to anyone ( literally no one) years later I still feel hurt, sad and regretful. I find myself envying those who do have children or are expecting children. It may be stupid but I always think that could be me walking around with my child. That could be me in the park playing with my kid. That could be knowing what it feels like to love someone the way my parents love me, but it’s not.

Having an abortion at 17 is literally something I still think about 10 years later. I remember the day my sister’s ex girlfriend picked me up from my best friend’s house and told me she was going to the store to get me a pregnancy test. We all lived together and you know once females are around each other for too long their menstrual cycles sync. Their periods came and left, while mine was still behind. At the time I didn’t think anything of it and I definitely didn’t think I was pregnant. I was no longer dating the guy and was now seeing someone else. I was finally happy I was no longer dealing with his drama and enjoying the last of my teen years.

I talked to my best friend and the guy about me possibly being pregnant and they didn’t sugarcoat a thing. They pointed out how I was eating a lot, always tired and he told me I was acting like his friends girlfriend who was pregnant at the time. I still was in disbelief and when I finally took the test I received a false negative. I was realized to find out I wasn’t pregnant until a few more weeks passed and my cycle still hadn’t started. That’s when I went to my sister’s girlfriend and let her know I think I needed to take another test. This time it was positive and I had no clue what to do. I cried before coming out the bathroom to let her know.

During this process I didn’t have my older sister to talk to about it, which in a way made me feel alone. The only person I had to lean on was her ex. There was no way I was going to let my parent’s know I was pregnant especially when I had no plans of keeping the baby. When I did let my dad know I could tell he was embarrassed. I don’t think he’s ever told anyone. In all honesty my mind wasn’t actually made up about what I wanted to do. School was starting in a few months and by then I would have been almost 3 months. The plan was to secretly go get an abortion without anyone knowing what I did but it didn’t go that way.

My ex was so set on having a kid with me that he talked to his mother and aunt. They called me trying to talk me into keeping the baby, letting me know they’d be there and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. No lie I thought about it. He even asked me to just go through with the pregnancy and give them the baby but that was not an option. There was no way I was going to have a baby just to give him or her away.

Basically it came down to me going back to Richmond to get everything situated for my senior year and to take my driving test. The plan was to head back to sac after to get the abortion and then come back home to start school. Well, the day before my test my mom came in my room and the moment she said my name I knew she knew I was pregnant. It was something about the way she said my name. I tried to play asleep but she wasn’t having it. I slowly turned around and she asked me if I was pregnant. All I could do was cry. I felt like I was letting her down and I was disappointed in myself. Big mouth was running around sac letting everyone know we were having a baby and it got back to my family. My mom mad it clear there was no way I was having a baby and I didn’t try to put up a fight. A week before senior year I got the procedure done and I was 2.5 months pregnant. I cried and I cried. They told me I’d feel emotional but I wasn’t aware I’d feel that sad.

It’s like ever since that day I walked into that planned parenthood and let them get rid of the life that was growing inside, I now have this maternal instinct. I long for children. I long to have a little one to bundle in at night. I look at the children walking past and immediately fall in love and think how lucky their parents must be.

Idk it just hurts inside and I never thought I’d feel this way 5 years later. I even hate the fact that the guy that got me pregnant now has a kid of his own. It’s not like I care for him anymore but idk it’s just this feeling I get when I see pictures of his kids.

I think about what my kid would have looked like. When March rolls around I think about the birthdays he/she could have had. When Mother’s Day rolls around I think about the calls I would get and the time I would spend with my kid.

There will always be the thoughts in my head of what things could have been like. Sometimes I feel I just took the easy way out of things. Sometimes I feel like no one gave me a choice to whether I could keep my baby or not.

Via my Tumblr April 2012

The feeling of being a mother never left after that day. I’m blessed to have finished school and I’m absolutely blessed to have a son. I’m looking forward to having more kids when the time is right but I can’t help but think I could have had two sons right now. While being pregnant with Evan I remember having a dream that Evan had an older brother and all I could think was this is the child I couldn’t keep. I know I wasn’t ready to have a child at the time but there’s just some things you never forget and I still catch myself wondering what if. Nonetheless it was all a lesson and I’ve grown since then. I now get to celebrate birthdays and Mothers Day. I get to experience the unconditional love that I thought I’d never get again. I’m blessed to get to experience all of what motherhood brings