Ever been in a relationship with a man who is constantly speaking down on you like you are a child and then it eventually turns into aggressive behavior? You are standing their stuck with a frightened look on your face while he’s calling you out of your name and pacing back and forth. At this point you’re no longer looking at the man you fell for but someone full of hate and anger. You don’t stand up for yourself because you are terrified of what he’s going to do or say next. Baby girl, you might not realize it but you are in an abusive relationship. This can happen no matter your gender, race or sexuality. No one is exempt from being verbally abused.
Think of verbal abuse like bullying, you know it’s wrong yet you do it anyway because it makes you feel like you have the power. You thrive off the feeling of another person being scared or feeling like they are less than. The effects are worst than being physically hurt because wounds heal but words can stick with a person for a lifetime. You play them over and over in your head so much that you start to believe what’s been said. No matter if it’s a man attacking a woman, another woman attacking a fellow Queen, or a woman spitting fire with her words at a man etc. It’s all still verbal abuse.
If you’ve never really took a step back to recognize some signs of verbal abuse here are a few before I get into my own story:
- Having to think before you speak because you are terrified of saying the wrong thing
- All the memories you have of you & your partner start with a simple disagreement and end in a screaming match
- You are always being told you are too sensitive and to toughen up
- When you speak up for yourself he/she turns the tables to make you seem like the problem
- You’re always wrong and he/she is always right
If in the back of your head you’ve ever felt like your partner was being verbally/emotional abusive you’re probably right.
The first time I found myself in a verbally abusive situation I was 17. At the time I didn’t know that’s what it was but looking back now it was so very clear. One sign I forgot to mention was listening to what people from that person’s past have to say about his/her behavior, it may help you in the long run. When it became public that I was dating this guy, girls would come up to me and tell me how he used to beat on his ex and treat her badly. I never believed it because he never laid a finger on me. As time went by and the arguments began I always had the word bitch thrown my way. I can remember a time I felt like I was going to get hit during an argument and he actually admitted to wanting to but he couldn’t bring himself to it. He did throw a shoe at me over the fence though. It’s a little funny to me now but at the time it wasn’t.
The only other relationship I had that I would consider to fall into the verbal abuse category is the one I had with my son’s dad. Not so much while we were together but absolutely after we broke up. It was like once we were no longer together it gave him the green-light to fire off at the mouth. Don’t get me wrong I got to a point where I began to verbally fire back trying to burn a hole in his heart. Both of us bringing up each others past trying to see who could hurt who the most. It was like a war of words between us. Out of everything he’s ever said to me the worst might have been, “you were just some bitch I got pregnant.” Being called a bitch and a hoe over and over and over again had nothing on that. For awhile just thinking about it hurt me because how could someone who wanted a baby and claimed to have loved me say such a thing. Really it’s because we didn’t love each other we just thought we did. I don’t think those in love stoop as low as we have.
For quite some time all the arguments, disrespectful text and unnecessary letters broke me down and had me feeling depressed. I wasn’t happy when I was pregnant and after having a baby I was either sad, stressed or angry. Sure I’d smile and laugh but that’s what you do when you don’t want people to know what you’re going through. I started noticing that being angry wasn’t the best place for my emotions to go. It brought out a person who thought horrible horrible things. I had to keep myself away from that situation. It got to the point where I told myself enough is enough and I will no longer deal with this. If every conversation was going to turn into being yelled at and belittled causing me to fight back, there was no point in speaking. That’s basically where I am today. I can continue to be a bitch, hoe and whatever else he wants to label me but as long as I know how great of a person and mother I am there’s no need to go for the bait.
Not everyone has the strength to leave situations like these. They are stuck feeling like they are to blame and can’t do any better. Being on the outside looking in its sad and all you want to do is talk some sense into the person in the situation. If someone can verbally abuse you physical abuse is definitely the next step if things continue to escalate. If a person can speak to you as if they hate you I believe they’ll have no problem beating you down. You don’t want to be in a situation where you are finding yourself pleading and begging because you think he is going to beat you to death. Men don’t want to have to be put in a situation of potentially hurting the woman who is screaming and throwing punches his way because she couldn’t control her temper. It’s dangerous for everyone in the situation. At what point do you both look at each other and say enough is enough and you walk away from the situation. It takes a little time and a lot of strength but we all have it in us.