Like a flower needs rain to grow
You need pain to grow

-Mila J

Today I was talking to a good friend of mine as I always do in our group chat and the topic of change came up. Currently I’m in-between jobs and she believes this whole change I’m enduring in life is coming from the universe and the universe is say, “follow your dreams and gain the freedom and happiness you’ve always desired.” Mind you, the universe, as well as those that know me, have been trying to tell me this for a long time  but I always let my 9-5 and the fear of failing stop me.

Someone once told me that the fear I was feeling was the devil trying to hold me back and I can do nothing but agree with that because it was a fact. Now that I’m no longer working I’m so happy I have all this free time to put my fears behind me and jump into what I love most, creating… Podcast, books, YouTube videos and clothing.

While having this discussion of being a creative and change, my friend also mentioned that when you’re a creative you are somewhat crazy because you associate a lot of what you do with your self-worth. I couldn’t agree with her more about the crazy part. I think all artist are screwed up a little mentally due to the hardships they endured in life from others and the hardships within themselves but, it makes our work more unique as well as relatable to others.  If it weren’t for me putting a lot of my emotions and how I feel about myself and those around me into my work, I don’t know where I would be as a writer. I’m also not sure people would feel my pain or see my growth if I didn’t put all of me into my work.

During my journey of diving into my emotions and what I’ve wanted to do with my life, I’ve grown a lot.

For those of you who’ve known and followed my blog for a while, you know all I posted about was music and the latest celebrity news/gossip. My original page, which I called New Music World, really had no substance or depth; it had nothing to do with who I truly was like The Diary of She does now and that has a lot to do with me not knowing who I was and what path I truly wanted to take. Right out of high school and stepping into college I thought I wanted to focus on the music industry; start a magazine that focused on new and upcoming artist, as well as continue my celebrity blogging. I wanted to be something like Word Up combined with Nicole Bitchie but out of no where it all changed. Maybe that change came from me maturing but its lead me to where I am now.

Now I’m this woman, no longer a little girl afraid to speak out. I’ve learned to use the voices in my head. Now I put them on paper and happily let them roll off my tongue with no regrets. I thank motherhood and all the disrespect I’ve endured for that. Part of me feels like if I hadn’t become someone’s mom I wouldn’t have grown as much as I have. I probably would have continued to silence myself and remain stuck in my ways BUT he, my son, became my why; the motivation behind all that I do. Growing up meant it was time for me to change my mindset from “I want” to “I will” to “I am.” So often I was being asked what is it I really want to do career wise. Back then I had no answer until finally it changed to, “I want to be a writer,” not knowing that I already was. So many, thoughts in my head and all the aching in my heart that I was putting into the form of poems and ranting on my blog about; Not realizing those were words that could help other women to grow themselves.

Love, hurt, heartbreak, confusion, uncertainty & fear; they’ve all played a role in the person I’ve come to be. Without all of this I wouldn’t have elevated to the level I’m on now and this is just the beginning. Losing my job, losing all those doubts I had, deciding it’s time for me to say fuck fear, is all the end to my beginning. It’s the change I’ve needed to continue to grow and become the dopest woman I can be, while showing other women along the way that anything is possible when you’re open to change. It’s crazy how I’m starting to become that confident and empowered woman who I looked up to. That’s part of change though, right?