The moment I became a mother, life changed. I knew I’d have to be stronger than what I was. I had to become selfless because I was no longer alone. There wasn’t a book that could prepare me for what was to come. After all, not every experience was the same. Either, I had it or I didn’t, and let me tell you… Baby, I was made for this shit
Renee, Sydney. The Diary of She – Vol. II: Poems & Affirmations
When you first tell people you are having a child, most moms-to-be hear about how beautiful motherhood is and how much of a blessing it is, which it is. It’s like opening up a new present everyday. Some days you may not like what surprises come your way but you’re always extremely happy and blessed to be able to say that gift is forever going to be yours. I didn’t get the sugar-coated story of how beautiful motherhood was I got the real, the stories of how hard things are going to be raising a child alone. It used to get to me and I always assumed no one was happy about the life I was bringing into the world. I assumed everyone thought I was making a mistake but instead my family just wanted me to see both sides, yeah its beautiful but it’s also going to be a struggle.
My son is 4-years-old now and everything about him brings joy to my life. I still watch over him like he’s a newborn baby that looks way too fragile to touch. He may be half my size but I still hold onto him like he’s a 6-pound baby even if i start to get uncomfortable from him being half my size but I continue because bliss is having him close. I hate to see his feelings hurt and when he’s sick all I want to do is comfort him in every way that I can. I love watching him play in his own little world, using that beautiful imagination that I pray stays with him as he gets older. The day’s I’m down and feeling like everything around me is falling apart I can look to him and every negative feeling that’s going through me is suddenly cleansed from my body because that’s the kind of magic he carries. His voice is like the sound of angels and his I love yous are music to my ears. I honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him. My love for him is unconditional and I couldn’t imagine anything coming close to the joy he brings.
But then again no matter how beautiful it all is or how much love I have in me, just like any mother, especially a single one, I find myself exhausted, angry and sometimes having resentment towards the man who helped me create him because he isn’t there for all the hard times. The times I get an hour of sleep because my son’s allergies make it hard for him to breathe or because his head is pounding and he doesn’t know that the more he cries the worst it’s going to get. I can remember the first time it really hit me that I was doing this thing called motherhood on my own. My son had to only be 2 and that whole day I started to notice he was breathing kind of heavy and I could see his ribs from his back. Things weren’t changing but only getting worst so it was time to take him to the hospital. I was grateful my older sister was in town to go with me but before we left I had to take a moment and cry in the bathroom because I was sad that he was going through that but I was also sad that I didn’t have the support of his dad. This was the first time I had to deal with something serious alone but it wasn’t going to be the last and yet I still have so many years ahead of me.
There’s time I feel horrible as a mom because I’ve spent all day yelling for my son to listen then, wondering why do I even bother. Having to listen to him cry because now I have to take the things away that he enjoys just to remind him that some of the things he’s doing isn’t nice and that mommy doesn’t like having to be mean for him to listen. I have those moments that I feel bad because I don’t have the funds to take him out to all these fun places so I send him to the backyard to play instead, thankful that he knows how’s to enjoy himself. Yet, still carrying the resentment that for 4 years now I’ve been taking care of all the medical bills, all the schooling, all the groceries and everything else on my own that pertains to my son because no matter how much I’m struggling he has to be taken care of but his dad can come up with all the excuses to why he hasn’t been able to help.
I try my hardest to let go of the resentment I feel but again I have moment’s when I was to yell, scream, and let him know this beautiful creation is not just mine. I’ll always enjoy having this life only because my son is in it and he brings me more great days than bad ones but to all the mother’s out there just know we will always have moments of feeling like we just want a little break to take care of our mental. We spend our lives taking care of everyone but ourselves and though others may not notice what goes into motherhood, the sacrifices we make and how we all know how to make something out of nothing, I’m here to say I’m right there with you.