Hello Everyone! Welcome back to The Diary of She. Today I decided I wanted to start a little series on my page called, Venting w/ SHE. I thought about grabbing my journal and writing down all the things that are bothering me but I named this blog, The Diary of She for a reason. I wanted to be the voice for those who don’t really have one. I wanted to put myself out there more and not just the good parts of me. So here I am, ready to vent to you all and maybe some of you will be able to relate to what I have to say or have some solutions that may help me during my moments.
Today is one of those days where I don’t feel that great. I don’t want to self-diagnose myself with depression or anything but sometimes it’s the way I feel. Maybe it’s the stress taking over me or maybe I’m just over thinking, but like I said in my past post, depression is actually one of the signs of stress. I haven’t been too happy with the way my life is going for about a week now. I just feel like life is passing me by and I’m going to struggle forever. I’ve been in this state of feeling stuck but overwhelmed at the same time. Even when it comes to parenting I’m starting to think, what’s wrong with me?
I go to sleep with a plan, I wake up with a plan but the minute I walk into the house after dropping off the kids, I revert back to feeling like I’m stuck and I’m wasting time, I don’t know what to do or how to elevate. I get this feeling that maybe I should give up on my dreams of being this bestselling author, creating my own show/movie and having a successful clothing business and work until I’m old and retired. I post and I post about my books, my clothes and my blog and I feel like no one in the world is paying attention. I’m getting to this point where I no longer believe in me, I want to give up completely and I’m asking myself, why? why don’t I believe in me like I used to?
Maybe it’s the fact that I’m not surrounded by the biggest support system. Don’t get me wrong, I have an amazing support system in my family and I’m sure they believe in me more than I believe in myself. Even when I get asked how my writing is going, how my books are doing, and am I getting orders for my T-Shirts, I don’t want to respond, because for me I’m not doing well. I’ve barely been able to write, my book sales are shit and I might as well close down my online store already. I get this feeling of being embarrassed, a failure and un-accomplished. Then let me not get into how I barely have friends so I’m not surrounded by this group of people who talk about and are proud of what I’m doing, though I’m thankful for the few I do have.
Maybe it’s my lack of confidence in the way I look and I’ll admit social media has a lot to do with that. If I had this super banging body I feel like everyone would pay attention to my talents more because now they are also into how I look. Apparently, I have to look perfect to be somebody these days. At least that’s how it seems. I’m really just in this state of feeling like I don’t like me right now nor do I believe in me.
I’m sure next week I’ll be fine. Shit even in a day or 2 but as of today, I’m over it and wish I could lay in bed without distraction BUT I CAN’T