I want to look like those girls on the cover of magazines. The ones all the boys claim to not stand but drool over ever chance they get. I want to be able to post a picture up on IG and get 1000 likes in one second. Sometimes I wish someone would look at me and say, “I’m going to make that girl over,” like Cher and Dionne did Tai in clueless. For one day I would love to be the “it” girl, but I know myself and I know that until I get my weight under control, no makeover will make me 100% happy with the way I look. At times I wish I had the money along with the courage to just go under and suck the fat right on out of me and fill in those hip dips I have. BUT I don’t and I really don’t want to go that route.

I’ve lost weight before so I’m like what is so hard about doing it again? I know what meal plan I need to be on and I know what workouts, work for me but I just can’t seem to get motivated. What makes the journey even harder is the minute someone mentions my weight, it doesn’t motivate me, instead it puts me in a mind frame of I might as well stay this way. I WON’T, but I can’t help that it’s one of the feelings I get. I’ve actually never had a point in my life were I was just completely fine with my shape. Oh, I lied, I always thought I looked okay until people started to comment on the way I looked. First I was too skinny and everyone assumed I didn’t eat or I was throwing up my food, so from that point on I always wished I would gain weight. Then the moment I put on weight I was completely happy, I had no idea how big I was getting until someone brought it up to me and the next week I was crying about all the clothes I couldn’t fit.

Let’s just be real, I’ve never been at a size I was happy with, I don’t even know what size that would be. Is getting rid of all this stubborn baby fat a size or do I just have to keep going until it’s gone and then I put some muscle on?

Anyways, here’s why I don’t want you to mention my weight:

1. I feel like you’re fucking judging and not in a good, “she’s put on healthy weight” way but in a, “That bitch is getting big as hell and she’s one burger away from looking a hot fucking disgusting mess.” You might not be saying it but the minute you say something like I’m big, in my brain that’s what you’re thinking.

2. I already know I’m putting weight on. I wake up every morning and look in the mirror before I hop in the shower and she that roll here and that roll there. I spend those extra 10-30 minutes trying to find something that fits and looks flattering. So, I don’t need you coming around telling me shit I already know.

3. If you aren’t coming up with a solution, like coming to the gym with me or helping me figure out that exercise routine I asked you about then shut up. Thanks! You’re just talking to talk at this point.

4. You’re making me feel SUPER insecure. My self-esteem already isn’t that great so hearing multiple people talk about your weight gain doesn’t boost it one bit.

With that said, I know I’ve been complaining about it but I’m doing little things to push myself to get back into the routine I had a year ago. I worked out 5 days out of the week for a least 30 minutes so I’d like to get back to that but I know I have to start slow because I’ve noticed the weight gain is hurting my hip on the left side. I started back into drink tea, so I can try to stay away from caffeine and I’m back drinking water. I used to drink a gallon almost every day when I was working and the minute I stopped, water was replaced with Hennessy margaritas. I’ll also be doing a juice cleanse this weekend. My juices for the day are supposed to be coming tomorrow. Wish me luck! If I can make it through the day I may try a 3 day one. To make the journey a bit easier, I’m going grocery shopping tomorrow. If I’m going to be snacking, it has to be on all healthy things.

This is going to be hard but until then please don’t mention my weight. I already do that enough.