Emotions, I don’t show them very much and I never really have, that was until 5 months ago I noticed a change. Death is so common but in the past every time I heard about one it never had much of an effect on me. I wouldn’t cry or really feel much about the situation at all because it didn’t really hit home for me. You can say I was numb to it all because I wasn’t really invested in others. Not even family members passing bothered me because most of it happened when I was a child. I figured that’s life and we all eventually go when God say’s it’s our time, whether we like the manner we go in or not.
Then yesterday I heard the news that Nipsey Hussle had been shot multiple times. My heart dropped and I prayed that he was going to make it out of the situation alive. I mean, he HAD to, for his family and for the culture. I kept scrolling up and down my timeline on Twitter, going back to my Instagram feed and refreshing my Google page trying to find out more. I seen he was shot in the head and we all know not many people make it from that kind of injury but in my head I kept thinking, there is no way he’s going to pass away, he still has so much work to do, he’ll be alright. Shortly after, it was confirmed he was no longer with us all and I felt sick to my stomach. My eyes started to burn and then they became filled with tears. I was hurt! Of course I didn’t know him personally but I was a fan of his music and everyone that knows me knows I’m not a woman who listens to much rap but he stayed on my playlist, I want to say starting back in 2008 when I made it to college. Anyways here I was again bawling my eyes out just like I had done 2 weeks before after watching an episode of Growing Up Hip Hop, where I had to watch Angela Simmons talk about her son’s father and ex-fiance getting killed.
I didn’t understand why it bothered me as much as it did but yesterday sitting in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror, I realized it was bringing me back to the night my sister came in my room telling me someone killed my nieces dad. It’s one of those things you never want to hear and you damn sure don’t want to believe it. For me it was like living in a dream and you just want to so badly wake up, so for her, I knew the feeling was 1000 times worse. Just like with Nipsey, I laid in my bed all night, checking my phone, looking at his last location, his story, seeing if he liked any pictures. Refreshing his page hoping no one wrote RIP under one of his pictures all while laying in bed next to my son and my niece, hoping my sister was keeping it together while she waited for the news. When I finally got the news he was gone, I had my first panic attack. I wasn’t sure what was going on but my chest started to hurt, I feel like I couldn’t breathe and as much as I wanted to scream out all I could say was, “Oh God Oh God,” as I held onto my chest and tried to silence myself so I wouldn’t wake the kids. I looked over at my niece and I was hurt for her. I thought about my sister and was in pain for her wondering if she would be able to pick herself up and remain strong because I knew this was the one thing I couldn’t fix.
So many times, I figured it would be me in her shoes, that I’d be the one losing my child’s father and not her. It’s really something no mother or child should have to go through. Explaining to your child as they get older that their parent was taken away because there are people in the world that don’t want to see the black man succeed and share their light/knowledge with the world. Nipsey made a huge impact in the world but like many he was taken way too soon. Our men don’t even get the chance to reach their full potential because they get taken down way before their time and I feel that is what happened to my niece’s father. He was a great dad, who wanted to do better but someone with hate in their heart didn’t want to see him meet his full potential. People don’t realize the hurt they cause to the family and everyone else.
Man, this shit used to not faze me but now I look around and I’m always reminded of what my sister had to go through and continues to live through. It’s just not fair and it’s a pain no one should have to feel.
It’s really time for us to start spreading love and work on getting that hate up out our hearts because day by day I feel like we are all running out of time and fast.