@CAMINHO_DO_DESPERTAR

The celibate talk again?? Yes and you’ll hear it as long as I continue to start, stop and restart my journey. The last time we had this talk was maybe 2 years ago when I was on my operation closed legs.

If you want to know how that went, I’m sure you’ve already figured that one out- I FAILED but I’ve started over again and not on purpose.

In my previous episodes of celibacy I always told myself I wasn’t going to have sex or be involved with anyone just because I wanted to see if I was capable of doing it; see how great my discipline was. The longest I held out was 6 months and maybe not even that but this time it’s different. Back then knowing that I had made a deal with myself to not have sex only made me want it more. It didn’t make it any easier being interested in someone and having temptation surrounding me. During those times I literally had no WHY!

Why did I want to practice celibacy?

Why did I want to take a break from the male species?

Why was it important for me to hold out sexually?

I didn’t really have any answers to those questions until a few encounters with a couple guys I thought I had something serious with but they opened my eyes. I had finally seen the importance of loving myself, standing my ground and not letting no nigga think it’s cool to play me out. The way a man treats you really tells you a lot and the longer you withhold anything they see of value to THEM the quicker they reveal who they really are.

This time around with my celibacy I didn’t have a talk with myself about seeing how long I could abstain from sex as I had done in previous situations but instead I started questioning why I was giving my body to men that couldn’t respect me as a woman. It’s always good when it’s all fun and games. There’s no drama when he’s having it his way but when you bring up “the talk,” the relationship one and it always seems to become a problem.

I never understood it; why was I good enough for sex but not good enough for a relationship? I had to realize it was because I wasn’t setting my standards as high as I thought I was. I wasn’t putting my full intentions out there on the table for all to see. In a way I played the submissive role and kept my mouth shut thinking that was the way to make a dude happy and eventually choose me and only me. Once I finally opened my mouth to express what I wanted from the person I had been giving every part of me to, to only get the joking you know you my boo while he entertain other women let me know that’s not what I wanted. I’d rather remain single and celibate than to invest in something or in this case someone that honestly has no worth nor seen mine.

Now, I could lie and say these 8 months without sex has been easy but I’m going to keep it real. For the most part it’s been a breeze. Not having to worry about if the person I’m fucking is throwing another woman’s legs over his shoulders or lying to my face while laying in bed with me has been beyond peaceful. The craving to feel kisses on my neck, hands on my thighs and warmth between my legs went away faster than I thought it would but I recently got a reminder that my body still craves to have a man close.

Just a few weeks ago I was ready to risk it all. For a minute I thought I could no longer feel for a man because I had closed myself off almost completely. I was so disgusted by the disrespect and the degrading remarks and actions that came from men that I didn’t care if I never had sex again. That was until I looked at him. There are just some people you continue to have this undeniable chemistry with and it almost lead me down the path I’m trying to stay far away from. It took everything in me to say, “Sydney, this isn’t what you want to do even though your body is calling for it.”

I could have easily spread my legs and let him right inside but I’m at a point where I want something that’s going to lead me down the aisle, which is why I had to take that step back and pull it together. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a serious relationship and although I doubt I hold out until marriage (kudos to me if I do) I will wait for the person that was created for me and only me.

This experience has taught me not only discipline but how to love my mind, how to respect my body and to love who I see on the mirror daily.

Wish me luck on my next 4 months and 4 more after that.