When I look into a mirror I don’t think I’ve every actually seen myself; not the person on the inside at least. There has always been this shell that I look at on the daily and as much as I love that shell I don’t always like what I see. I constantly pick out flaws and go over all the ways I can cover them up with clothing, a hairstyle, makeup and other accessories. There are other times I look at myself and feel nothing at all. It’s like I’m just there, looking at a ghost or a copy of myself, but I have never taken the time to self-reflect on who I truly am on the inside or why at times I feel so invisible.
If I were to truly look at myself DETACHED would scream back at me; it’s probably been screaming back at me for years but I had things that distracted me from accepting that truth. Motherhood, work and my writing all gave me an excuse for why I couldn’t do certain things like go on a date, catch up with an old friend, make new friends and more. This gave me a reason to say I don’t have the time but there’s always time, I just didn’t want to make it. I guess you could say I’m emotionally detached and I didn’t reflect on that until I found myself drunk and in deep conversation with my mother.
It’s like I want to get close to people, make lasting friendships and fall in love but I’ve learned to detach myself from the more vulnerable side of my emotions because I haven’t had the best outcomes when it comes to any of the above. By being detached from my feelings and people I’m able to avoid trusting anyone, avoid being in a situation that will cause any kind of drama or stress. Sometimes just being around a big crowd is already too much for me to deal with and I find myself looking for my escape—a door to quickly exit out of. This is something that not only happens when I’m out in the world but even in my home, around family. I’ll spend most of my day locked in the room because I get this strong urge to be to myself. Even the sound of someone talking to me some how has this triggering affect and I just want to flee.
As I sit back and reflect on how much of a strength I feel like being detached is, it’s also one of my biggest weaknesses and nothing to brag about. Just the other day I was told it’s wrong of me to cut ties with people so quickly but I couldn’t really get why but I kind of understand it now. Other people looking in will take that as me not being a genuine or caring person. They may assume I never cared for them much or about the friendship when that’s really not the case. I’m so kind and giving. I’m super goofy and love to make people smile but I won’t get the chance to show much of that side if I continue to keep myself closed off.
Not sure how soon it’ll take for the change to come but at least I’m starting to recognize my detachment issues, right?