Being trapped in the past isn’t healthy, they say. Instead we should focus on the present and hope to have a better future.

I understand the logic, but I’m not sure I agree. Most of my happier moments in life are all complied in a file, that is my past. I was happy, I was free, laughed more and had people I could confide in.

Some people would describe my longing for the past, not being happy with my present, but I’m not exactly sure that’s true. I’m happy and content, but maybe what I feel is nostalgia and at times can’t help but wonder, what if…

“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them” 
― Iyanla Vanzant

Would I be married; raising children with the man I decided to leave behind. If I made a different choice I wouldn’t have birthed a love I could never let go of; my son.

 Is it wrong of me to have these thoughts?

I sometimes feel like I traded in a happy healthy relationship, friends, a career, and multiple children for the story that ends with just me and a son, who eventually will start a life of his own.

Feeling like love and friendship will never find me again is scary. That feeling make me go dig through the archives to find a little bit of peace and hope. 

At times I wish I could erase my past completely. But if I did, there’s no telling if I could make memories that live up to those of my past. Would I even be the person I am now?

My life is nothing like I thought it would be, but everyday I’m trying to change my story.