“Her Final Entries” – A Collection of Poems & Affirmations.

In Her Final Entries, I take you through five stages; Love, Hurt, Release, Lost & Found. During this journey you will fall in love with life and the people in yours, release you from the hurt and pain you’ve been holding on to, heal you on the inside and out, and most importantly give you hope for better days. – Sydney

I did it again! But this time with a new self published poetry collection. 

For about 3 years now I debated back and forth if I should release a new poetry book and if I should take the route of publishing it on my own. It took some time getting the format down and sending myself a ton of proofs to see if anything was messed up. I’m positive I still have some things to learn, but I set a date of Valentine’s Day, as this is the anniversary of my first published poetry book The Diary of She and I was going to stick to that date, which I did.

So here you go!

Her Final Entries: A collection of poems and affirmations

Before you go let me leave you all with a Intro.

Dear Diary

I finally decided to unwrap you.

You might have been the best gift I’ve received.

You’ve always gave me the freedom to say what I need.

There’s been so much going on & it’s hard trying to adapt.

My career, motherhood and everybody’s crap.

I’m less bothered, though times I still want to snap.

That’s why I got this new journal & I hope for it to be my last.

The last time I write about the hurt I’ve felt

or how I long to feel the touch of a man.

The last time I vent about consistently being misled or questioning where my life will end.

I’ll give you a bit of my pain.

Show you a little drama, but I’ll continue to uplift, just as I do myself.

Remind you that you’re important and to keep loving yourself.

Welcome to my final entries!

I’m Not Sure Where I’ll Be Tomorrow

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When I’m asked where do I see myself 5 years from now the inside of me explodes. I get hot, irritated and my nerves are shot. The answer I give is always some speech I’ve had in my head playing on replay in case anyone happens to ask; an interviewer, a potential love interest or a friend. Really, if I blurted out what I really thought, the answer would be I just want to have my shit together, that’s it and that’s all.

I feel like most of us go through life believing that we must have a plan or our life will be a complete failure, but one thing our peers should have taught us are plans do not always pan out the way we want them to. Things change, major events happen, we change our minds and some of us die before we can even reach the 5 year mark.

There are days when I barely know where I want to be in a month or so. The more I focus on having a plan, the more stressed I become and want to give up on it all. If you were to ask me what my 5 year plan was at this very moment and wanted an honest answer out of me, the response would be something like:

Where do I see myself? I honestly don’t know. I hope to have a steady job, with all the benefits I need to keep me healthy and financially stable once I retire. I pray to still have a roof over my head and money piling up in my saving accounts. Maybe I’ll finally be a best selling author if I can release a book that grabs the attention of most of the people in the world. Motherhood I hope becomes easier but in 5 years I’ll be a year away from having a teenager. That’s just another fear I’ll be adding onto the plate of things I’ll be stressed about. In 5 years I think it’ll be something like that, but who honestly knows, you know?

I could write out a plan right now and there’s no telling if I’d actually be able to see it through, nor am I obligated to. A plan may look pretty and make it seem like you have your life together, but I believe that the universe already has our plan written out for us, in pencil, just in case things have to be changed around a bit. It’s the way of life and I honestly don’t need people out there making me feel like It’s required of me to know what my life will look like.

For almost two years now I’ve been working an amazing job, with great benefits and that alone makes people think I’m set financially and have nothing to worry about, but I do. I have bills, I have a kids and in just a few weeks I’m no longer going to have this good paying job or the benefits, because that’s how contracts work. The financial stability I’m used to will no longer be there. I’ve applied for a full-time position along with people I’ve trained and you want to know who got it? Yeah, the people that I had the pleasure of showing the ropes, all three of them. I’ve had a few other interviews and still nothing, and for a black single mom it’s beyond discouraging.

So, when I’m asked where do I see myself in the 5 years or even a year from now, all I can think about is I don’t even know where I’ll be tomorrow.

Binge Worthy Shows: Quarantine Edition

Hey guys! I’m back with a list of shows I think are worthy of being binged during this whole pandemic because let’s face it, some of us have nothing better to do. I took all this time at home watching shows I’ve never seen, refused to watch and completed ones I’ve never finished. I was missing out something tough but now I’m hooked and wish I had more to watch. I’ve even started noticing some of my favorite actors and actress while watching.

Now these shows are shows that I’ve actually been sitting home watching.

After you check out my list, let me know what’s your favorite show and give me some more suggestions because I have a feeling we are going to be locked down for a long long time.

Shows I Never Bothered Watching

1. Gossip Girl – I listed this as my number 1 for a reason. It kept be wanting more from beginning to end and once it was over I was trying so hard to find something that could compare but honestly, I don’t know if there’s anything out there that can.

2. Riverdale – I’m a huge fan of shows like The Vampire Diaries and this reminded me so much of that, that I had to give it a chance. I was not disappointed. The teen drama, plot twists and mysterious murders were right up my alley. I even enjoyed the musical episodes.

3. Gilmore Girls – This is another show I never got into watching. I loved the idea of a mother & daughter duo based in a small town where everyone knew each other and got along. The theme song I never skipped.

4. Gilmore Girls a Year in the Life – It didn’t live up to the original but because I watched all of Gilmore Girls a had to check this out. I love that they brought back the whole cast, but that Lorelia still pissed me off and she never appreciated Luke.

5. Community – If you’re looking for something to casually watch this is it. My son even enjoyed it. Whenever he came in my room it was one of his request.

6. New Girl – I loved watching this show, especially having the chance to be in a similar experience; a girl rooming with 3 guys with all different personalities. Plus Schmidt literally made the whole show for me.

7. Girlfriend’s Guide To Divorce – It used to be one of those shows I tuned into every week but eventually stopped. Well I started from season 1 episode 1 and knocked that off my list.

Shows I Needed To Finish

8. Fuller House – It’s nothing like a good reboot and I couldn’t keep looking at it on my continue to watch list. It’s also family friendly so it was perfect to watch those days I wanted to chill with my son.

9. Black Mirror – That shit is crazy but I couldn’t look away.

Currently Watching

10. Dawson’s Creek – I’m going to just say it, for almost 5 season’s I wanted to jump through my screen and choke the life out of Joey and Dawson. For a bunch of teenagers they sure had soap opera drama going on. I have one more season to go.

11. Life in Pieces – Any family comedy is a win win in my book. It reminds me of Modern Family.

Then of course you’re into all that nostalgia like I was you can always go re-watch Moesha, Girlfriends, The Game etc on Netflix. Those shows really weren’t that great but they bring back so many memories. Oh yeah and I can’t forget those Disney shows we grew up with.

Making The Most of The Holidays Even Through The Pandemic❤️

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I’m going to put it out there that I’m not a huge fan of the holidays. I mean…I like to go see my family around these times, but who doesn’t? Especially those that live far and you don’t get to see that often. I don’t buy gifts often and when I do it’s normally just one or two for a couple people in my life. Other times it’s just as simple as a card. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not cheap but as I stated earlier I’m not a huge fan of the holidays, especially since my dad passed just before the winter holiday season started several years ago, six to be exact. Even when my dad was alive spending time with him was the best gift to me and that was often, holiday time or not.

I don’t want to rob anyone of their joy of the holiday season, but this time will definitely be different for all of us as we face the current pandemic. Many of us I know have kids that we want to bring smiles to their faces just as we have last year and years before. If you help them understand that family being together is the most precious gift of all then it may help ease everyone’s disappointment of not being able to do what they may have been able to before.

So, how do you tell a five, six, or even eleven year old child this and make them understand? I’m not really sure because I don’t have children this young but I did grow up as the kid that didn’t have a Christmas Tree in our house or get Christmas presents because my dad didn’t buy into these holidays. So maybe I can help you navigate through the difficulty of letting your precious babies down easily in this unexpected time.

Here are a few other ways to make the most of this season:

1) Try your best to explain the importance of family. Sit around on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in your favorite pajamas. Have fun making hot chocolate with them (maybe draw some smiling faces in it with cinnamon and marshmallows 😁)

2) Go back to the basics. Pick up a board game or a 500 to 1,000 piece puzzle that can be completed by Christmas or New Year’s.

3) If you have any change left after bills are paid buy something inexpensive. You can even find some nice new stuff at a local thrift store😉 (I have, plenty of times). Wrap it up really nice and watch the little one’s face light up!

4) Go to a local dollar store, they have all kinds of stuff for just a dollar, and let the kids pick out some seasonal “Christmassy” decor to decorate around the house. If you can’t afford a tree they have tiny trees, lights, stockings along with a lot of other stuff that you can find. This is really fun and it can be done for any holiday or special event.

5) Pick up a gingerbread house kit and make a plan on Christmas morning to work on this with the little ones….they really like this! I know I did as a kid👍🏾😜

I hope this really helps and encourage you to encourage another!

Happy Healthy Living,
Bee Macson ❤️

You’re Not Obligated To Care For Everybody

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Did I ever tell you guys I did therapy for awhile? It wasn’t something I had planned on doing but during the time I was unemployed it was an option for me; one that I’m glad I was given and till this day I wish I found another therapist to continue to see. Taking the time to talk to someone outside of your circle brings a lot to the forefront that you would have never seen if it weren’t for a therapist. One of those things that came to light was it’s not my responsibility to make sure everyone around me or that I love is okay.

I’ve spent so much time holding myself back and neglecting taking care of myself because I’ve always been the type of person to base what I do in my life on others, whether that be in a relationship, with my family, or in my career. My thought process has always been if I do this I won’t be able to do that for them, which shouldn’t even be in my thoughts unless it’s something that I need to do for my son. In all honesty my son should be the only person I’m taking care of and making life easier for, until he is able to take care of himself, and my parents of course when they are unable to do for themselves.

I’ve put my time and my money into making sure people have had clothes on their backs, food in their stomachs, money in their pockets and even my car to get to and from places. I’ve done this for people who’ve never done anything for me like EVER, but I did it because I felt some sort of obligation to. If I love and care about them why wouldn’t I, right? but that should never be the case and you should never feel bad about saying no, especially if it’s going to affect you in some sort of way.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s bad to want to be that person that loves and cares for other people. It can actually have certain benefits like: lowering your blood pressure, it teaches patience, understanding, loyalty and sometimes it just feels good to make someone else happy, but it can also have it’s negatives. Spending time taking care of everyone else will always lead to you neglecting yourself and feeling like you aren’t worthy of others love and care. Eventually you may get to a point where you start rejecting those that want to be in the position you’ve always been in; wanting to care for you and love you unconditionally.

Before you get into the habit of making sure everyone in your life is okay, make sure you are taking care of yourself first. Once you are aligned mentally, physically and spiritually you’ll be in a position to accept the help you need, as well as helping others, but remember you aren’t obligated.