Like a flower needs rain to grow
You need pain to grow
Today I was talking to a good friend of mine as I always do in our group chat and the topic of change came up. Currently I’m in-between jobs and she believes this whole change I’m enduring in life is coming from the universe and the universe is say, “follow your dreams and gain the freedom and happiness you’ve always desired.” Mind you, the universe, as well as those that know me, have been trying to tell me this for a long time but I always let my 9-5 and the fear of failing stop me.
Someone once told me that the fear I was feeling was the devil trying to hold me back and I can do nothing but agree with that because it was a fact. Now that I’m no longer working I’m so happy I have all this free time to put my fears behind me and jump into what I love most, creating… Podcast, books, YouTube videos and clothing. Continue reading
Once you start its hard to stop. That bed isn’t yours anymore; it is your child’s and he/she is going to let you know. I remember thinking it was so awesome and cute to share a bed with my son and now I wish he would get out and go sleep in his own. If I say go get in the bed he automatically picks mine… So I thought this was a cute yet accurate video for the single parents that deal with these things:
- Cover snatching
- Feet in face/ Wild Sleeping Positions
- Jumping on the bed – It kills me when Evan does it I just want to pick him up and toss him off the bed..
- Being covered in Stuffed Animals – this has happened to me a few times. I woke up like WTF? When did this happen
- Waking up asking for food or juice
EVERY PARENT KNOWS THIS IS LIFE…. BUT ITS A GREAT ONE
I never liked dating… to be honest up until my son I literally always had a boyfriend. Once me and my son’s dad didn’t work out I swore off dating for almost a year. My main focus was on my son, to get over my heartbreak and build my strength back up. Doing that meant there was no room for any men to come in my life and fuck me up any further.
Once I did start thinking about dating, which really only came to mind when I wanted to get out the house, I started thinking who wants someone who just had a kid. Then it was like okay what if i start liking the person I’m dating. I can’t just bring anyone around unless they are serious about me. A million thoughts started to run through my mind again and I was just like I do not want to do this dating thing anymore. It was going to be way too much for me to handle. How was I gong to split my time between my son and whatever guy I let in my life? Shit I wasn’t. My son was going to always come before him and not a lot of guys could handle that. If you were going to date me your were going to have to understand I can’t come running like most girls and I’m definitely not going to play games.
Before even entertaining anyone the first thing I mentioned was my son and the following questions followed:
- How do you feel about women with kids?
- Have you dated someone with kids?
- Do you like kids?
- Are you looking for something serious or casual?
I didn’t want to get involved with anyone who wasn’t looking toward the future. If they were looking to have “fun” I wasn’t interested.
This is a very touchy subject but I thought I’d put it out there because you never know who you’re helping or who has had the same experience as you. I know there’s going to be people who judge me and think I’m this horrible individual but we all make choices in life and this is mine to live with..
Currently I’m sitting at my desk and looking through my Tumblr archive and I came across a post from 2012:
As many of you may know from previous post that I’ve had one abortion when I was 17. Although I don’t talk about it to anyone ( literally no one) years later I still feel hurt, sad and regretful. I find myself envying those who do have children or are expecting children. It may be stupid but I always think that could be me walking around with my child. That could be me in the park playing with my kid. That could be knowing what it feels like to love someone the way my parents love me, but it’s not.
There was a time in life I’d wake up every morning thinking I knew who I was until the day came that I realized I didn’t know myself at all. I wasn’t sure where my life was heading and if I’d ever get to that destination. I spent more time worrying about what I didn’t have that I stopped focusing on the journey ahead.
A chunk of my life has been spent letting people dictate who I’d be; mostly the men I caught myself falling for. I was weak, I didn’t have a voice and I damn sure wasn’t using my mind. I look back and I see that I almost let my life go down a path of destruction. I’ve done things that I’ll never be able to take back. For years I was upset with myself and tried to bury the past. How could I almost let my life come to that? I was disappointed in myself but that was a chapter of my life that made a piece of me. I thought I regretted the situation until I realized I learned and grew from it. I was not that person but I still had some searching to do.
Is it wrong that I’m starting to not care that my son’s dad isn’t very active in his life physically and financial?
This is something I’ve been going back and forth with myself about. Yes, I was always the girl who dreamed of living a fairytale life with the husband, the kid, the house with the nice big backyard and a dog. Instead what I got was a bootleg version of the movie Baby Boy but this story don’t seem to have a happy ending. All I can think to myself is thank you for the blessing but we’re better off without you. Am I wrong?
Love definitely had me blinded, had me thinking this was it and I’d be with no one else. Through all the disrespect I told myself I have to suck it up and try to work on this for the sake of my son. He shouldn’t have two parents that hate each other. After all we were friends, at least that’s what I thought. BUT the more time I spend with my son and the less I hear from his dad I think yea we don’t need him around; My baby will do just fine without. We got through our 1st year alone (well besides the love of my family).
Yes, he’ll always be his father but that doesn’t mean he’s the best role model for him. Coming from a two-parent household I seen what a real man is and the steps he takes to be with and take care of his kids. I want nothing but positive, respectful men around my child. I want him to be inspired to do more than settle for the streets. I want him to have plans for his life. I don’t want my son to think it’s okay to go around disrespecting people, hurting people, using & taking from people. I want him to grow to be a man and not spend his life being a little boy in a man’s body.
– Thoughts of A Single Mom.
I start working on Tuesday for Google Play. The gig is temporary but I believe it’s a good look for my resume and I get to experience working outside of retail. Oh and who knows Vaco may be able to find me another gig whenever this one ends. Anyway I’ve been off almost a year since having my son and I enjoyed every bit of it. After he was born I was in no kind of rush to get back to work because I wanted to bond as much as I could with him. Now our time is being cut short which makes me super sad. It’s not like I’ll be working a part-time job. This is a full on 40 hour 5 days a week job so when I see him it’ll be at night. I guess it’ll be good for him to get around some other kids but it terrifies me sending him to child care. No one can take care of him the way I do. Luckily for the first 3 weeks he’ll be with family. Being away is going to make me really cherish the time I do get to spend with him. I’m lucky I got to spend 8 months with him though. Some parents immediately go back to work after having their baby and at times there ends up being no bond there. I took my son to visit a child care that we both liked and many of the kids have been there since being newborns. The provider said those kids think of it as their home since they are always there. I also see why other parents decide to be stay home moms/work from home. Unfortunately I don’t have that option. Being a single mom I have to go out there and work so my son has what he needs. I’m always going to make sure he is protected and provided for. Long story short…. I’m excited for work but sad I won’t be with my baby all day.