Motherhood – The Beautiful Struggle

The moment I became a mother, life changed. I knew I’d have to be stronger than what I was. I had to become selfless because I was no longer alone. There wasn’t a book that could prepare me for what was to come. After all, not every experience was the same. Either, I had it or I didn’t, and let me tell you… Baby, I was made for this shit

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Renee, Sydney. The Diary of She – Vol. II: Poems & Affirmations

When you first tell people you are having a child, most moms-to-be hear about how beautiful motherhood is and how much of a blessing it is, which it is. It’s like opening up a new present everyday. Some days you may not like what surprises come your way but you’re always extremely happy and blessed to be able to say that gift is forever going to be yours. I didn’t get the sugar-coated story of how beautiful motherhood was I got the real, the stories of how hard things are going to be raising a child alone. It used to get to me and I always assumed no one was happy about the life I was bringing into the world. I assumed everyone thought I was making a mistake but instead my family just wanted me to see both sides, yeah its beautiful but it’s also going to be a struggle.

My son is 4-years-old now and everything about him brings joy to my life. I still watch over him like he’s a newborn baby that looks way too fragile to touch. He may be half my size but I still hold onto him like he’s a 6-pound baby even if i start to get uncomfortable from him being half my size but I continue because bliss is having him close. I hate to see his feelings hurt and when he’s sick all I want to do is comfort him in every way that I can. I love watching him play in his own little world, using that beautiful imagination that I pray stays with him as he gets older. The day’s I’m down and feeling like everything around me is falling apart I can look to him and every negative feeling that’s going through me is suddenly cleansed from my body because that’s the kind of magic he carries. His voice is like the sound of angels and his I love yous are music to my ears. I honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him. My love for him is unconditional and I couldn’t imagine anything coming close to the joy he brings.

But then again no matter how beautiful it all is or how much love I have in me, just like any mother, especially a single one, I find myself exhausted, angry and sometimes having resentment towards the man who helped me create him because he isn’t there for all the hard times. The times I get an hour of sleep  because my son’s allergies make it hard for him to breathe or because his head is pounding and he doesn’t know that the more he cries the worst it’s going to get. I can remember the first time it really hit me that I was doing this thing called motherhood on my own. My son had to only be 2 and that whole day I started to notice he was breathing kind of heavy and I could see his ribs from his back. Things weren’t changing but only getting worst so it was time to take him to the hospital. I was grateful my older sister was in town to go with me but before we left I had to take a moment and cry in the bathroom because I was sad that he was going through that but I was also sad that I didn’t have the support of his dad. This was the first time I had to deal with something serious alone but it wasn’t going to be the last and yet I still have so many years ahead of me.

There’s time I feel horrible as a mom because I’ve spent all day yelling for my son to listen then, wondering why do I even bother. Having to listen to him cry because now I have to take the things away that he enjoys just to remind him that some of the things he’s doing isn’t nice and that mommy doesn’t like having to be mean for him to listen. I have those moments that I feel bad because I don’t have the funds to take him out to all these fun places so I send him to the backyard to play instead, thankful that he knows how’s to enjoy himself. Yet, still carrying the resentment that for 4 years now I’ve been taking care of all the medical bills, all the schooling, all the groceries and everything else on my own that pertains to my son because no matter how much I’m struggling he has to be taken care of but his dad can come up with all the excuses to why he hasn’t been able to help.

I try my hardest to let go of the resentment I feel but again I have moment’s when I was to yell, scream, and let him know this beautiful creation is not just mine. I’ll always enjoy having this life only because my son is in it and he brings me more great days than bad ones but to all the mother’s out there just know we will always have moments of feeling like we just want a little break to take care of our mental. We spend our lives taking care of everyone but ourselves and though others may not notice what goes into motherhood, the sacrifices we make and how we all know how to make something out of nothing, I’m here to say I’m right there with you.

With Change Comes Growth

Like a flower needs rain to grow
You need pain to grow

-Mila J

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Today I was talking to a good friend of mine as I always do in our group chat and the topic of change came up. Currently I’m in-between jobs and she believes this whole change I’m enduring in life is coming from the universe and the universe is say, “follow your dreams and gain the freedom and happiness you’ve always desired.” Mind you, the universe, as well as those that know me, have been trying to tell me this for a long time  but I always let my 9-5 and the fear of failing stop me.

Someone once told me that the fear I was feeling was the devil trying to hold me back and I can do nothing but agree with that because it was a fact. Now that I’m no longer working I’m so happy I have all this free time to put my fears behind me and jump into what I love most, creating… Podcast, books, YouTube videos and clothing. Continue reading

[VIDEO] The Truth About Co-Sleeping

Once you start its hard to stop. That bed isn’t yours anymore; it is your child’s and he/she is going to let you know. I remember thinking it was so awesome and cute to share a bed with my son and now I wish he would get out and go sleep in his own. If I say go get in the bed he automatically picks mine… So I thought this was a cute yet accurate video for the single parents that deal with these things:

  • Cover snatching
  • Feet in face/ Wild Sleeping Positions
  • Jumping on the bed – It kills me when Evan does it I just want to pick him up and toss him off the bed..
  • Being covered in Stuffed Animals – this has happened to me a few times. I woke up like WTF? When did this happen
  • Waking up asking for food or juice

EVERY PARENT KNOWS THIS IS LIFE…. BUT ITS A GREAT ONE

Diary of A Single Mom – Dating ‘Single’ Dads

I never liked dating… to be honest up until my son I literally always had a boyfriend. Once me and my son’s dad didn’t work out I swore off dating for almost a year. My main focus was on my son, to get over my heartbreak and build my strength back up. Doing that meant there was no room for any men to come in my life and fuck me up any further.

Once I did start thinking about dating, which really only came to mind when I wanted to get out the house, I started thinking who wants someone who just had a kid. Then it was like okay what if i start liking the person I’m dating. I can’t just bring anyone around unless they are serious about me. A million thoughts started to run through my mind again and I was just like I do not want to do this dating thing anymore. It was going to be way too much for me to handle. How was I gong to split my time between my son and whatever guy I let in my life? Shit I wasn’t. My son was going to always come before him and not a lot of guys could handle that. If you were going to date me your were going to have to understand I can’t come running like most girls and I’m definitely not going to play games.

Before even entertaining anyone the first thing I mentioned was my son and the following questions followed:

  • How do you feel about women with kids?
  • Have you dated someone with kids?
  • Do you like kids?
  • Are you looking for something serious or casual?

I didn’t want to get involved with anyone who wasn’t looking toward the future. If they were looking to have “fun” I wasn’t interested.

Continue reading

Somethings You’ll Never Forget…

This is a very touchy subject but I thought I’d put it out there because you never know who you’re helping or who has had the same experience as you. I know there’s going to be people who judge me and think I’m this horrible individual but we all make choices in life and this is mine to live with..

Currently I’m sitting at my desk and looking through my  Tumblr archive and I came across a post from 2012:

As many of you may know from previous post that I’ve had one abortion when I was 17. Although I don’t talk about it to anyone ( literally no one) years later I still feel hurt, sad and regretful. I find myself envying those who do have children or are expecting children. It may be stupid but I always think that could be me walking around with my child. That could be me in the park playing with my kid. That could be knowing what it feels like to love someone the way my parents love me, but it’s not.

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Growth: Finding Myself.


There was a time in life  I’d wake up every morning thinking I knew who I was until the day came that I realized I didn’t know myself at all.  I wasn’t sure where my life was heading and if I’d ever get to that destination. I spent more time worrying about what I didn’t have that I stopped focusing on the journey ahead.

A chunk of my life has been spent letting people dictate who I’d be; mostly the men I caught myself falling for. I was weak, I didn’t have a voice and I damn sure wasn’t using my mind. I look back and I see that I almost let my life go down a path of destruction. I’ve done things that I’ll never be able to take back. For years I was upset with myself and tried to bury the past. How could I almost let my life come to that?  I was disappointed in myself but that was a chapter of my life that made a piece of me. I thought I regretted the situation until I realized I learned and grew from it. I was not that person but I still had some searching to do.

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The Single Mom Diaries….

Dear Readers,

Is it wrong that I’m starting to not care that my son’s dad isn’t very active in his life physically and financial?

This is something I’ve been going back and forth with myself about. Yes, I was always the girl who dreamed of living a fairytale life with the husband, the kid, the house with the nice big backyard and a dog. Instead what I got was a bootleg version of the movie Baby Boy but this story don’t seem to have a happy ending. All I can think to myself is thank you for the blessing but we’re better off without you. Am I wrong?

Love definitely had me blinded, had me thinking this was it and I’d be with no one else. Through all the disrespect I told myself I have to suck it up and try to work on this for the sake of my son. He shouldn’t have two parents that hate each other. After all we were friends, at least that’s what I thought. BUT the more time I spend with my son and the less I hear from his dad I think yea we don’t need him around; My baby will do just fine without. We got through our 1st year alone (well besides the love of my family).

Yes, he’ll always be his father but that doesn’t mean he’s the best role model for him. Coming from a two-parent household I seen what a real man is and the steps he takes to be with and take care of his kids. I want nothing but positive, respectful men around my child. I want him to be inspired to do more than settle for the streets.  I want him to have plans for his life. I don’t want my son to think it’s okay to go around disrespecting people, hurting people, using & taking from people. I want him to grow to be a man and not spend his life being a little boy in a man’s body.

– Thoughts of A Single Mom.