My heartbeat, air, love, my world….. My son. I look at you and everything surrounding me disappears because all I see and hear is you. It’s as if the whole world stops and in that moment nothing else matters. I never knew a love so sweet and it’ll take years for you to understand the unconditionally love I have for you.
I look at my son and I could never understand how someone can simply walk out of their children’s lives and treat them so badly. leaving him for just a few hours hurts my heart. The whole time away all I can think about is what he’s doing; has he ate, is he crying, maybe he’s playing or is he sleep. I look at my phone just to see his face wherever I go.
I want him to grow up and know that he is loved and whatever he needs or wants to talk about I’m here for him. I’ll teach him right from wrong. Remind him to always respect his elders and women. There’s nothing like a gentleman and I believe my generation needs to teach their children what a gentleman is. Take it back to the days when men cherished and protected their families. I’ll remind him that education is the key and he has to work hard for what he wants; there are no shortcuts but God will help you find your way.
Looking at him just puts so much into perspective. He inspires me. I love him more than anything and it continues to grow.
And the saga continues…. Just when you think the petty shit is over the other party does something to prove you wrong. As most of you know (and for those who don’t) my son’s dad has been in jail for about four months now. Before that we hadn’t been speaking and he only seen his son twice besides at the hospital when he was born. Now you’d think someone that is in jail and has a child would be sending letters asking about their child instead of talking about what you should have been doing and who they are dating now. Instead of worrying about a female being there for you what you need to be doing is worrying about getting your life together for BOTH of your sons.
After reading a five page letter full of bullshit and contradictions it made me realize I’m making the right choice to get full physical and legal custody of my son. I will never trust having my child around a person who is only concerned about a female being there for him through the pain & disrespect, has anger issues, never sober and doesn’t have a stable place to live. I also don’t trust my child to be around a family (his dad’s) that never checks on him but instead tries to make it seem like I’m the villian. There will be no more of me going out of my way to send pictures, invite them to visit (they never show) and updating them on his development. People that really cared would go about asking on their own.
Sometimes I feel like my son’s father thinks he is still speaking to the 19 year old me. The girl that was a little lost and not fully mature. Things have changed and they changed drastically when I realized I was having a baby. The fact that his dad told me “I have a lot of growing up to do” and “hopes my son makes me a better woman,” made me see that he is still living in the past and he is the one that needs to grow up. Since the day I found out I was pregnant I’ve been taking care of the seed growing inside me and I’ve been taking care of him since he entered the world as well. I feed him, bathe him, change his diapers, read to him and put him to sleep. I take him to all of his doctor’s appointments. I don’t leave him every weekend to go to the clubs because he is my responsibility and I’d rather be the one staying in with him. My son will be 1 in a few months and a person that’s literally done nothing for him is telling me I need to grow up. The nerve.
I will not be entertaining anymore of those letters or him pretending he has been fighting to be a family. We haven’t been together for over a year. A few months after having my son he broke up with me and we never got back together. I did all the fighting and I lost every battle. It took me constantly being hurt to realize this wasn’t what he truly wanted and now I’m okay with that..
I’m going to continue on this journey of being the best mother I can be whether I’m single or not. My son is my number one focus and always will be.
Lately as you can see I haven’t done much blogging. I had to take a moment to myself, step back and take a real good look at things and people in my life, mostly my current situation with my son’s father. Most people wouldn’t air out their business on a blog because they are afraid of what people will think of them but I’m a writer and this is how I express my feelings. After all this is The Diary Of She. For the longest I’ve had this man’s back, gave him all I could, didn’t talk down on him and the life he was living. I called him my best friend, my husband and the love of my life. Even when he disrespected me over and over and talked down on me like I was just some random in the street. It took me a year (during my pregnancy to my son being 6 months) to realize that’s not how a man treats a woman he loves and that’s damn sure not how you should treat the mother of your child. It took me thinking back/looking at all the hurtful things he has ever said to me and crying my eyes out to see that’s not the man I want to be with and that’s also not the man I want my son to grow up to be. He will know how to respect not only women but his elders as well. He will work hard for everything he has instead of running to the streets living faulty. I had to stop thinking about myself and start thinking for my son as well. He doesn’t deserve to grow up in a dysfunctional household and he won’t have to. He won’t have to look at someone who abuses his mother, not physically but emotionally. It may have taken a lot to push me but I’ve finally realized, actually i’ve always known that I deserve so much better than what I have been receiving and with that realization has come complete happiness.