Motherhood – The Beautiful Struggle

The moment I became a mother, life changed. I knew I’d have to be stronger than what I was. I had to become selfless because I was no longer alone. There wasn’t a book that could prepare me for what was to come. After all, not every experience was the same. Either, I had it or I didn’t, and let me tell you… Baby, I was made for this shit

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Renee, Sydney. The Diary of She – Vol. II: Poems & Affirmations

When you first tell people you are having a child, most moms-to-be hear about how beautiful motherhood is and how much of a blessing it is, which it is. It’s like opening up a new present everyday. Some days you may not like what surprises come your way but you’re always extremely happy and blessed to be able to say that gift is forever going to be yours. I didn’t get the sugar-coated story of how beautiful motherhood was I got the real, the stories of how hard things are going to be raising a child alone. It used to get to me and I always assumed no one was happy about the life I was bringing into the world. I assumed everyone thought I was making a mistake but instead my family just wanted me to see both sides, yeah its beautiful but it’s also going to be a struggle.

My son is 4-years-old now and everything about him brings joy to my life. I still watch over him like he’s a newborn baby that looks way too fragile to touch. He may be half my size but I still hold onto him like he’s a 6-pound baby even if i start to get uncomfortable from him being half my size but I continue because bliss is having him close. I hate to see his feelings hurt and when he’s sick all I want to do is comfort him in every way that I can. I love watching him play in his own little world, using that beautiful imagination that I pray stays with him as he gets older. The day’s I’m down and feeling like everything around me is falling apart I can look to him and every negative feeling that’s going through me is suddenly cleansed from my body because that’s the kind of magic he carries. His voice is like the sound of angels and his I love yous are music to my ears. I honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him. My love for him is unconditional and I couldn’t imagine anything coming close to the joy he brings.

But then again no matter how beautiful it all is or how much love I have in me, just like any mother, especially a single one, I find myself exhausted, angry and sometimes having resentment towards the man who helped me create him because he isn’t there for all the hard times. The times I get an hour of sleep  because my son’s allergies make it hard for him to breathe or because his head is pounding and he doesn’t know that the more he cries the worst it’s going to get. I can remember the first time it really hit me that I was doing this thing called motherhood on my own. My son had to only be 2 and that whole day I started to notice he was breathing kind of heavy and I could see his ribs from his back. Things weren’t changing but only getting worst so it was time to take him to the hospital. I was grateful my older sister was in town to go with me but before we left I had to take a moment and cry in the bathroom because I was sad that he was going through that but I was also sad that I didn’t have the support of his dad. This was the first time I had to deal with something serious alone but it wasn’t going to be the last and yet I still have so many years ahead of me.

There’s time I feel horrible as a mom because I’ve spent all day yelling for my son to listen then, wondering why do I even bother. Having to listen to him cry because now I have to take the things away that he enjoys just to remind him that some of the things he’s doing isn’t nice and that mommy doesn’t like having to be mean for him to listen. I have those moments that I feel bad because I don’t have the funds to take him out to all these fun places so I send him to the backyard to play instead, thankful that he knows how’s to enjoy himself. Yet, still carrying the resentment that for 4 years now I’ve been taking care of all the medical bills, all the schooling, all the groceries and everything else on my own that pertains to my son because no matter how much I’m struggling he has to be taken care of but his dad can come up with all the excuses to why he hasn’t been able to help.

I try my hardest to let go of the resentment I feel but again I have moment’s when I was to yell, scream, and let him know this beautiful creation is not just mine. I’ll always enjoy having this life only because my son is in it and he brings me more great days than bad ones but to all the mother’s out there just know we will always have moments of feeling like we just want a little break to take care of our mental. We spend our lives taking care of everyone but ourselves and though others may not notice what goes into motherhood, the sacrifices we make and how we all know how to make something out of nothing, I’m here to say I’m right there with you.

Don’t Take My Kindness for Sexual Advances

“There is no weapon in the feminine armory to which men are so vulnerable as they are to a smile”. – Dorothy Dix

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Last night I went somewhat on a rant after seeing the most unexpected message to come to my phone that whole entire day. I had no clue what I was looking at and I was confused as to why I was being scolded for not being into a guy the way he thought I was? The old me would have looked at the texts that were accusing me of being this manipulative, liar who agreed to go on a date (that I didn’t agree to) and pretended not to know who this guy was when I seen him and I would have immediately cussed out this guy but instead I kept my cool for the simple fact that the whole situation was petty and we have a mutual friend.

Let me give you a little background on how we got to this place:

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With Change Comes Growth

Like a flower needs rain to grow
You need pain to grow

-Mila J

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Today I was talking to a good friend of mine as I always do in our group chat and the topic of change came up. Currently I’m in-between jobs and she believes this whole change I’m enduring in life is coming from the universe and the universe is say, “follow your dreams and gain the freedom and happiness you’ve always desired.” Mind you, the universe, as well as those that know me, have been trying to tell me this for a long time  but I always let my 9-5 and the fear of failing stop me.

Someone once told me that the fear I was feeling was the devil trying to hold me back and I can do nothing but agree with that because it was a fact. Now that I’m no longer working I’m so happy I have all this free time to put my fears behind me and jump into what I love most, creating… Podcast, books, YouTube videos and clothing. Continue reading

Let’s Talk Confidence

I’m back with a new Vlog on my YouTube channel and today I felt like talking about confidence because let’s face, I don’t always have it and part of that comes from the world we call social media. We start to get so consumed into this idea that we are supposed to look a certain way and have certain things based on what people say, post and like.

I’m here to say, FUCK IT! once you find your confidence no one will be able to tell you shit or make you doubt yourself.

Check it out below!

C.O.N.F.I.D.E.N.T
— Read on youtu.be/7jBXdF9XHUk

Entering Into a New World [YouTube]

After a year or more of saying I’m going to start a vlog I’m finally entering the world of vlogging aka video logging (because I know some people have no clue what a vlog is.) I still need to brush up on getting the quality together but today my camera wasn’t allowing it. I also recorded this about 5 times & I may have liked the original better lol but I wanted to give you all a feel of who SHE (me) is.

FYI: for someone who isn’t a big fan of talking I actually got into this once I got into the flow of things. Also I’m open to feedback (ways to improve, topics, etc).

Check out my introduction below and subscribe to my channel for future updates (if you’d like) 🙂

Are Titles Necessary?

I know by now most of us have seen the video posted by PrinceTattedd with the girl Ashley, who sat next to him for waaaayyyyy too long listening to his bullshit about how he doesn’t want a title. If you haven’t seen it you can watch it below before I get into my spill.

Now the video I watched on Facebook was 7 mins but this shit is a 16 min video and I’m over him and I’m also over her for sitting there for so long. BTW it’s also another video and this nigga has keys to her place. Her dad also told her this fool got her looking dumb so he’s mad at her as he should be. The moment he told her he could fuck around with other women but if she did the same he would cut, she needed to get up and walk the hell away BUT looking at her face she already had her mind made up on where her feelings would be staying and that is with him. She has become attached to this man and has already built a bond with the person his YouTube fans do not get to see.

We can call her stupid and we can also say he ain’t shit but trust and believe we’ve all been in this situation, some of us more than once. Now I respect him for finally saying something to her but he should have been straight forward from the start that way she wouldn’t have went into the situation thinking they were working towards a relationship. Now I’m not saying he needed to put a title on what they are because titles aren’t really necessary but an understanding is needed. What I mean by this is going into the situation it should have been made clear that:

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[PODCAST] It’s the Muthafuckin’ Intro

Hey guys!!! The Diary of She has officially made its way into the podcast world. This is just a little intro of what I have in store for you all. Go check it out and let me know what you think.

P.S. I kind of curse a lot ☺️

(Subscribe on iTunes for all my Apple 🍎 users) https://thediaryofshe.podbean.com/e/it%E2%80%99s-the-muthafuckin%E2%80%99-intro/