He crept into my dreams and kissed me like no one ever had.
The moment was engraved in my mind,
and he was who I wanted to see every night when I closed my eyes.
I craved his lips, wishing they were pressed against mine.
Thoughts of him would remain until he walked out of my dreams and into my life.
How can you look me in the eyes and say I’ve never been there for you? Looking back at you, I can see our whole journey playing on a loop.
Who was there giving you a shoulder to cry on when the world made you feel like you had to walk around in permanent armor?
The world made you feel like you had to remain hard in order to receive respect, but I assured you your emotions only added to the strength you possessed, and if you felt the need to hide from the world, you didn’t have to hide yourself from me.
You let your emotions flow like a river, and I was there to float freely with you.
My dear, please, don’t act like I wasn’t there helping you, building you up when you were at your lowest with no one around to lift your spirits to heights higher than the highest.
Treating you like the light that guided my way through the darkness you were living in when I was really your sun in the night sky keeping a glow on your face.
Helping you evolve into the man she sees standing before her, a man who found his way when he got lost in the wind and led into a direction that only read destruction ahead.
I traveled long and far to bring you back from the depths of hell only for you to up and leave me to fight the demons of your world alone.
When I’m asked where do I see myself 5 years from now the inside of me explodes. I get hot, irritated and my nerves are shot. The answer I give is always some speech I’ve had in my head playing on replay in case anyone happens to ask; an interviewer, a potential love interest or a friend. Really, if I blurted out what I really thought, the answer would be I just want to have my shit together, that’s it and that’s all.
I feel like most of us go through life believing that we must have a plan or our life will be a complete failure, but one thing our peers should have taught us are plans do not always pan out the way we want them to. Things change, major events happen, we change our minds and some of us die before we can even reach the 5 year mark.
There are days when I barely know where I want to be in a month or so. The more I focus on having a plan, the more stressed I become and want to give up on it all. If you were to ask me what my 5 year plan was at this very moment and wanted an honest answer out of me, the response would be something like:
Where do I see myself? I honestly don’t know. I hope to have a steady job, with all the benefits I need to keep me healthy and financially stable once I retire. I pray to still have a roof over my head and money piling up in my saving accounts. Maybe I’ll finally be a best selling author if I can release a book that grabs the attention of most of the people in the world. Motherhood I hope becomes easier but in 5 years I’ll be a year away from having a teenager. That’s just another fear I’ll be adding onto the plate of things I’ll be stressed about. In 5 years I think it’ll be something like that, but who honestly knows, you know?
I could write out a plan right now and there’s no telling if I’d actually be able to see it through, nor am I obligated to. A plan may look pretty and make it seem like you have your life together, but I believe that the universe already has our plan written out for us, in pencil, just in case things have to be changed around a bit. It’s the way of life and I honestly don’t need people out there making me feel like It’s required of me to know what my life will look like.
For almost two years now I’ve been working an amazing job, with great benefits and that alone makes people think I’m set financially and have nothing to worry about, but I do. I have bills, I have a kids and in just a few weeks I’m no longer going to have this good paying job or the benefits, because that’s how contracts work. The financial stability I’m used to will no longer be there. I’ve applied for a full-time position along with people I’ve trained and you want to know who got it? Yeah, the people that I had the pleasure of showing the ropes, all three of them. I’ve had a few other interviews and still nothing, and for a black single mom it’s beyond discouraging.
So, when I’m asked where do I see myself in the 5 years or even a year from now, all I can think about is I don’t even know where I’ll be tomorrow.
There is no trauma that is bigger or smaller than the other. Women go through so much in life that we began to think it’s the norm to hold onto our pain and don’t label what we are feeling as a form of trauma we’ve dealt with. For awhile I didn’t think I had anything wrong with me until I began looking back on my journals. Seeing what I wrote from clear eyes shocked me; a slap to the face, telling me I was hurt, a little bitter, kind of sad and didn’t have my life together.
In order to gain back our power and put the pieces back together, we must heal first.
Below I leave you all with some affirmations and quotes to do just that:
Hey guys! I’m back with a list of shows I think are worthy of being binged during this whole pandemic because let’s face it, some of us have nothing better to do. I took all this time at home watching shows I’ve never seen, refused to watch and completed ones I’ve never finished. I was missing out something tough but now I’m hooked and wish I had more to watch. I’ve even started noticing some of my favorite actors and actress while watching.
Now these shows are shows that I’ve actually been sitting home watching.
After you check out my list, let me know what’s your favorite show and give me some more suggestions because I have a feeling we are going to be locked down for a long long time.
Shows I Never Bothered Watching
1. Gossip Girl – I listed this as my number 1 for a reason. It kept be wanting more from beginning to end and once it was over I was trying so hard to find something that could compare but honestly, I don’t know if there’s anything out there that can.
2. Riverdale – I’m a huge fan of shows like The Vampire Diaries and this reminded me so much of that, that I had to give it a chance. I was not disappointed. The teen drama, plot twists and mysterious murders were right up my alley. I even enjoyed the musical episodes.
3. Gilmore Girls – This is another show I never got into watching. I loved the idea of a mother & daughter duo based in a small town where everyone knew each other and got along. The theme song I never skipped.
4. Gilmore Girls a Year in the Life – It didn’t live up to the original but because I watched all of Gilmore Girls a had to check this out. I love that they brought back the whole cast, but that Lorelia still pissed me off and she never appreciated Luke.
5. Community – If you’re looking for something to casually watch this is it. My son even enjoyed it. Whenever he came in my room it was one of his request.
6. New Girl – I loved watching this show, especially having the chance to be in a similar experience; a girl rooming with 3 guys with all different personalities. Plus Schmidt literally made the whole show for me.
7. Girlfriend’s Guide To Divorce – It used to be one of those shows I tuned into every week but eventually stopped. Well I started from season 1 episode 1 and knocked that off my list.
Shows I Needed To Finish
8. Fuller House – It’s nothing like a good reboot and I couldn’t keep looking at it on my continue to watch list. It’s also family friendly so it was perfect to watch those days I wanted to chill with my son.
9. Black Mirror – That shit is crazy but I couldn’t look away.
Currently Watching
10. Dawson’s Creek – I’m going to just say it, for almost 5 season’s I wanted to jump through my screen and choke the life out of Joey and Dawson. For a bunch of teenagers they sure had soap opera drama going on. I have one more season to go.
11. Life in Pieces – Any family comedy is a win win in my book. It reminds me of Modern Family.
Then of course you’re into all that nostalgia like I was you can always go re-watch Moesha, Girlfriends, The Game etc on Netflix. Those shows really weren’t that great but they bring back so many memories. Oh yeah and I can’t forget those Disney shows we grew up with.
The Diary of She 