I didn’t write this but I found it and thought it was so fitting. 2014 I had more down moments than up. I spent almost all of 2014 hurt and stressed out. The best thing that happened to me was my son… Now I’m looking to have a positive year, focus on bettering my life for my son and I, and letting go of all those that bring me down. BUT for those who still feel broken remember this,
For 10+ years I haven’t spent a Christmas in my own home. The family would usually either be in Las Vegas or at another relatives house. Well, this year with me having a son and all we spent Christmas at home for the first time in forever. We had a little tree with gifts underneath and stockings that we wrote our names on in glitter hanging from the fireplace.
We woke up, opened presents, made breakfast and had dinner with some of our family.What made it even better was my big sister was actually here for it all. It was like being young again but instead I grew up and had a kid. I loved everything about it.
CoCo, Evan, & Mommy
Evan & Mommy
… A Look Into Our Christmas
Lately as you can see I haven’t done much blogging. I had to take a moment to myself, step back and take a real good look at things and people in my life, mostly my current situation with my son’s father. Most people wouldn’t air out their business on a blog because they are afraid of what people will think of them but I’m a writer and this is how I express my feelings. After all this is The Diary Of She. For the longest I’ve had this man’s back, gave him all I could, didn’t talk down on him and the life he was living. I called him my best friend, my husband and the love of my life. Even when he disrespected me over and over and talked down on me like I was just some random in the street. It took me a year (during my pregnancy to my son being 6 months) to realize that’s not how a man treats a woman he loves and that’s damn sure not how you should treat the mother of your child. It took me thinking back/looking at all the hurtful things he has ever said to me and crying my eyes out to see that’s not the man I want to be with and that’s also not the man I want my son to grow up to be. He will know how to respect not only women but his elders as well. He will work hard for everything he has instead of running to the streets living faulty. I had to stop thinking about myself and start thinking for my son as well. He doesn’t deserve to grow up in a dysfunctional household and he won’t have to. He won’t have to look at someone who abuses his mother, not physically but emotionally. It may have taken a lot to push me but I’ve finally realized, actually i’ve always known that I deserve so much better than what I have been receiving and with that realization has come complete happiness.
One thing I’ve learned about being a first time mom is there is no right or wrong way to do things, so when I see people questioning my parenting it can be super annoying especially when it comes to going to the doctors. The conversation usually goes like this,
Does your baby sleep with you or in his crib?
He sleeps with me for the most part but he takes naps in his crib
Does he lay on his back or stomach?
I put him on both but he sleeps better on his stomach.
After these questions are asked here come the doctor with the same textbook response that I’m sure they give to every parent that walks in to their office. It goes something like,
When it comes to co-sleeping it is best that you let your child sleep in their own crib because it is safer for them. Some parents unknowingly roll over on their children or drop them from sleeping too hard. Also it is best for your baby to sleep on his/her back because it decreases the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).
Once upon a time it was said that babies should sleep on their stomachs and not their backs. When it comes to which position you want your child to sleep in I say it’s all up to you. For the first three months I did as I was told and let my son sleep on his back. A lot of the times I found that he liked sleeping on his side because he would always turn himself that way. Though the doctors always said it was safer to have him on his back I did fear that he would choke from spitting up. The first few times I put him on his stomach it was during the day and I made sure to keep an eye on him. I feared that he would bury his head into the mattress/couch like he would do to my chest. For that reason I didn’t allow him to sleep on his stomach at night until he was able to turn his head on his own, which he start doing I’d say a little before he hit four months. He is now five months and sleeps on his stomach no problem.
… The Single Mom Diaries: Co-Sleeping/Sleep Position
The thought of moving on at times sounds so lovely. Going out into the world to find somebody who truly, whole heartedly loves me. Someone who loves not only me but my son as well. I come as a packaged deal these days and if these guys can’t respect it then we’ll never have a connection and someone else will.
As of lately someone has stepped up wanting to play that role. It sounds nice and all but this fella I don’t really know. I want no man around my son if we aren’t having a future together. I will not be the mother who brings men in and out of my son’s life especially when he has yet to build a bond with his father.
I still have hopes of having a family; Him, my son and maybe another baby. But before I even think about taking that step he has to be ready. None of that talking about how much he loves me and can’t see himself without me. I’ve heard it too many times before and the actions never matched the words but yet I don’t lose hope. Maybe he needs time to grow. Maybe he’ll be able to love us the way we deserve to be love. Maybe he’ll be the one I marry.
Love has a crazy way of making you hold on to something that others may say is gone but I’ll continue to hold on until that time really comes.