Lately I’ve been having a back and forth battle with my heart and my mind. My mind is telling me to just let this love I have for him go but my heart hopes and prays that everything will be okay because this is the person I love. Having all these feelings are becoming toxic and I just want to let them go but how do I go about that? For the past few weeks I’ve been watching episodes of Iyanla Fix My Life and she said something that related to me and many other women. Us, women hang on to these toxic relationships because we are holding on to the promise, the promise or many promises these men make. In the back of our minds we still have hope and believe something will change, which explains why it’s hard for us to walk away when those promises are broken. I’m not sure if these steps I found actually work because I have yet to try them for myself but here is what Dr Phil has to say about letting go of love.
Does he really even make you happy? Be honest with yourself about the extent to which he’s really meeting your needs. Chances are you’re longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish he was. Dr. Phil reminds a guest: “There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then you’re back with them for about 10 minutes and you go ‘Oh yeah! Now I remember why I hate you!'” Don’t kid yourself about what it was really like or glorify the past.
Don’t wait around because you think he’s going to change. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so the chance that he’s going to ride in on his white horse and do the right thing is pretty slim. Dr. Phil explains, “To the extent that there’s some history, you don’t have to speculate, you just have to measure.”
Don’t put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that’s holding you back from a better future. Dr. Phil tells his guest, “As long you are obsessed on this guy, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one.” Set some goals and start putting your life back together.
Don’t beat yourself up. You got through your last experience, you’ve learned from it, and now it’s time to move forward. Dr. Phil tells his guest, “You’ll move on and be a champion in your next endeavor as you did in your past … Life is not a success-only journey. You are going to get beat up along the way.”
Focus on yourself. All of us come into relationships with baggage, but you need to have closure on past experiences before you can start a new relationship with the odds in your favor. Dr. Phil tells a guest who’s had trouble with her father, her brother and two previous husbands: “Unless and until you’ve figured out everything you’ve got to figure out about that and you get closure, you will never come into a relationship with a fresh and clean heart and mind and expectancy and attitude.” You’re probably not ready to get into another relationship until you heal the wounds of your past.
These are just a few quotes that I decided to post because they are perfect for my situation. Will they help me let go? Who really knows. I have to admit to myself that this isn’t going to work and be ready for a change. When I can do that then maybe these steps can help me move on.
What have you done when it came to getting over an ex and how long did it take you?
Would you take Dr Phil’s advice?
There are days I look at my son and it’s still unbelievable, unbelievable that he is my son and I am his mother. I am someone’s mother and it’s still crazy to me.
Having kids has always been apart of my plans. I wanted the husband, the house and then the babies. Things didn’t go quite that way. I got pregnant 3 months before graduating from college but I can say I got my degree. I had the boyfriend but that only lasted until I was about 5 months then everything went down hill. Every thought I had of wanting to have this super happy family went out the window. My mother was there to remind me that I can still have that happy family even if it’s not with his dad.
Four months have passed and it’s still sometimes crazy thinking that I gave him life and I’ll be responsible for this life for the rest of my life. He’s just as beautiful as the day I had him. Every second, every minute and every hour I’m thanking the Lord that I had him. Everyday he shows me something new something I hadn’t seen the day before. I can’t keep my eyes off of him and his are always fixated on me. We love each other unconditionally and it makes me so happy that he chose me. I am his mother and to me that means everything.
My life changed the day I pissed on that little stick we all know as a pregnancy test. I remember it like it was yesterday; Almost exactly a year ago, October 9, 2013. I had to work that day and my period was already three days late. For someone like me, who keeps track of her periods and is literally always on time I knew something was wrong but all I could do was deny deny deny. That was until something in the back of my mind said run to the store and that’s exactly what I did. Fifteen minutes later I was looking at a plus sign. I was indeed pregnant and there was no way I could deny it. Five seconds after peeing on that stick the plus signed showed up clear as the sky on a hot summer day. So I sent it to my boyfriend at the time who replied, “Are you really?”
Now with that said I should have taken that as a sign. Of course I was really pregnant, I wouldn’t send a picture of a pregnancy test if I wasn’t. Some women play those games but not I. Plus when you’re having unprotected sex there’s only so much that can happen; a STD or a baby and we ended up with a baby. Or let’s be more clear, I ended up with a baby.
So many times women end up single mothers because they base what they do in life off of a guys broken promises. Am I wrong or am I right? He tells you he loves you and can’t live life without you. He wants you as his wife and to have your kids. Lets be honest this usually all happens at the beginning of the relationship, the honeymoon stage. The two of you haven’t even actually gotten to know each other. The sexual chemistry is there but nothing else. He’s whispering sweet nothings in your ear not realizing when he forgets about it, those words are still implanted in your head. The honeymoon stage ends and you end up breaking up or are on the verge of breaking up and you end up pregnant. Now this is when you have to throw everything he said out the windows and make a decision for YOURSELF. A lot of young women do not do that. They think maybe if I keep the baby he’ll change and we can be a family. I personally think that’s the worst decision a woman can make; having a baby because they think it’ll get them the man.
When I seen my positive pregnancy test EVERYTHING popped into my head. I was happy, scared, confused, sad and happy again. But the one thing I knew I wasn’t going to do was get an abortion. I experience it once a week before senior year started and it was something I wasn’t doing again. Back then I knew I wouldn’t be able to take care of a baby but having a baby at 24 I knew I had a better chance. I got my bachelors degree and I knew my baby was who I was going to be living for so me continuing to go forward in life wasn’t and isn’t going to stop. Like many women I hoped for my baby’s dad to be there but I also knew that wasn’t a guarantee so from the beginning in the back of my mind part of me was preparing to be a single mom. Of course I wasn’t going to admit that to my family because like many women you don’t want your relationship to be looked at as a fail but sometimes we have to accept that all things aren’t meant to be in order to move on.
I had my son on June 17,2014 and it’s been a blessing. God gave me the greatest gift. I’m not with his father and I haven’t been for months. At first I hated it and at times I still have my moments BUT I wouldn’t change a thing. We as women are strong, stronger than we like to believe and we were made for this.