Am I Really That Crap Of A Mom

Have you ever had a moment where you’ve come to realize that you just may be the most god-awful person in the world? Like everyone around you would probably be better off if you ducked off to some private island or a secluded house into the woods? I have this feeling more than I’d like to admit and I just ask myself, what did I do to deserve to feel this way, especially from a little kid; the life I created?

Sometimes I just feel like a crap of a mom, who doesn’t deserve to bring another life into the world, which I probably won’t. As a grown woman I know it’s normal for younger children to have their outburst and turn you into the villain from their favorite show or movie because you’ve told them to:

STOP MAKING ALL THAT DAMN NOISE

GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!!

IT’S TIME TO TAKE A SHOWER.

NO MORE SNACKS

BRUSH YOUR TEETH

IT’S TIME TO GO TO BED!

But the responses you receive and the actions they take to prove how upset you’ve made them is like a bullet to the heart. I’ve heard the words, I hate you, I want a new mom, I want to live with (insert name(s) here) but not you, among other things you really don’t want to hear from your little one. You know they don’t mean it and they would have a heart-attack if you really sent them off to a new mom or family, but the thought lingers in the back of your mind of whether or not you’re truly deserving of your own kid.

Since the day I found out I was pregnant I’ve always worried about if I was going to be a good mom and I wonder if my kid will grow up hating my guts or be appreciative of all I’ve done and taught him. He’s still young but it’s hard not to wonder if you are making them happy. My son loves to be under me, play games with me and he always wants to cuddle, but sometimes he has moments where I feel like he just doesn’t like me. They say it’s a phase that’s pretty much like puberty but the shit sucks and I know I still have years of him having his moments of hating me because I didn’t get himself, let him do something, or told him right from wrong, which he probably won’t realize I was right and only looking out for his best interest until he’s an adult.

That also means I’m still going to have moment’s of feeling like a crappy mom but that’s alright. I’m pretty sure it won’t always be that way. Part of being a human being is feeling both emotions of love and hate. We feel it as adults so it’s only normal for our children to feel the same. All we can do it continue to teach them about how to be respectful and how to spread more love than ill feelings towards others. It’s going to be a test but I think we’ll pass it in the end.

Do It Yourself: A Few Projects I’ll Be Starting.

Can you believe we are still in a pandemic? I can lol.

For 4.5 months I’ve been sitting home doing work and that’s about it. I haven’t had the opportunity to go sit in somebodies chair at the nail salon to get my feet pampered or my nails done. Buuuttt I also don’t want to because Covid is real. Thanks to some of these places opening, press ons, which were already my thing when I needed a quick fix, are back on the shelves. It made be realize I may never need to go back to a salon again.

Seeing that I’ll most likely be working from home for two more months I decided to go all in and take the time to start those DIY Beauty & Health projects I’ve been putting off for months, some even years. Some of my favorite things in life are sugar/salt scrubs for my lips and my body, lipstick/chapstick, candles and I’ve definitely been into the nail thing (press-ons that is because I can’t stand having nails on all the time). So with that said, I jumped on Amazon and ordered me supplies to start doing my nails:

  • BTArtbox Full Cover False Nails – clear
  • 10Pcs Adhesive Bond Glue
  • UV LED Nail Lamp
  • AIBRIT 24 Pcs Gel Polish
  • Cuccio Milk & Honey Cuticle Oil

The amount of money spent on getting the items is already less than it would be had I went to get my nails done. Isn’t it everyone’s dream to save? I know it’s mine. Once I get the hang of giving myself a manicure and getting these nails perfected I think I also want to try using foil covers on them, so that will be next on my to get list.

Another project I’ll be experimenting with is making lip balm. I know most women have gone into the business of selling lip gloss but those are not my motives, although once upon a time I wanted to start a lipstick company. I’ve had all the items I’ve needed sitting in my cart for almost a year now and I can even use some of my old lip sticks or gloss to play around with tint. I’m so over buying lip balm just to turn around lose it and buy more. I’ll just start making my own. Once I order my stuff and make some I will post the pics and steps for you guys! Along with that I’ll probably also try out a lip scrub.

Photo by Burst on Pexels.com

Are their any special projects you’ve always wanted to do or are currently working on? Share your DIY projects in the comments below.

I think my last one I will try is candle making. I need to look into that a little more though.

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Coping With Breaking Up With A Friend

They say breakups are hard but I say breaking up with a friend is way worse. Getting over a guy or girl is easy, especially when you have your best friend by your side to vent to and keep you feeling like you’re dope as hell and anyone would be a fool to let you go. You laugh with them, cry with them, fight with them, but at the end of it all you know you have someone that is always down to ride. So what happens when that friendship starts to fade and you no longer find comfort in that person?

Losing a friend is painful because it’s something you never really see coming; a storm that literally comes out of nowhere. One minute everything is beautiful and there are no signs of a disaster waiting to happen. You go from spending almost every day talking to each other and planning outings, to a phone call every other month. It’s clear that things are changing but no one every really expresses what they’re truly feeling or the reason for the distance.

I get it, it’s normal for some friends not to speak or see each other all the time. We all have lives outside of our friends. We work, take care of someone, dealing with depression and more. With that said sometimes you have to disconnect from everyone for a while.

My closest friend doesn’t even live in the same city as me (sometimes not even in the same state) and she hasn’t for a long time, but when she comes in town we see each other. When I need to get away I know I always have a place to go. When we need to vent about life or share good news there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s who I’m calling on. We don’t talk everyday or see each other but despite that there’s no tension between us or underlining issues that neither of us know about. This isn’t the case for every friendship though.

I’ve had a few breakup with people I considered to be my best friend. One guy that I talked about before on here and then there was a woman that I ended up getting really close to and for about 3 years we were pretty inseparable until we got to the point where we wanted to rip each other to pieces and we completely stopped speaking. That friendship ended all due to lack of communication with one another and things were said that couldn’t be taken back. The other part that sucked was our kids could no longer go to each other’s birthday parties and whenever my son asked about her daughter I had to act like she was just too busy to hang out. Now I can’t lie and say I was happy that friendship ended because I thought I genuinely created a bond with someone that would last. Plus, we had hell of a good time together, but we all have to learn when it’s time to just cut ties.

So that brings me to the question, how do you cope with breaking up with a friend? do you just say fuck it and move on or do you go through some 12 step program lol. I usually just try to act like they don’t exist but that hasn’t worked so well for me because now it’s somewhat turned me into a heartless person who never wants to give another human-being the chance to get close to me.

For anyone that has been like me and avoided dealing with losing a friend for whatever reason, here are some ways to cope:

  1. Allow yourself to feel hurt, angry and sad.
  2. If there was never any closure, leave it be.
  3. Don’t overthink. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out where things went left.
  4. Find someone to talk to: a family member, another friend or even a therapist.
  5. Accept that you may never be friends again
  6. Have self-care days
  7. Don’t be closed off to meeting new friends, but don’t force it.
  8. Lastly, remember that not all friendships are meant to last and that is okay.

The Power of A Touch

“I like being touched but like… not too much.”

If you truly know me you’ll know that I’m the most affectionate yet un-affectionate person there is. Weird, I know! But it’s something about a person having there hands on me for too long that puts me in a space, an uncomfortable one, especially if my mood doesn’t call for it. It’s like if I’ve told you to back away from me and you don’t I become irritated no matter how affectionate or friendly I was with you before.

Anyways, I haven’t been in a relationship or remotely close to anyone in a long time, so I’ve become a stranger to the touch of another. Recently I got to experience a little bit of that and now I’m suddenly craving more affection. It got me interested in learning more about the power of touch; how it effects a person?

The first thing we all should know is that touch is the first sense we develop and it’s one of the most powerful forms of communication, along with eye connection. It’s also good for one’s emotional well being. Touch can soothe you, help you heal and strengthen connections. But not every touch is the same; it can be a cold and cause distance between you and another, which may be one of the reason’s I’m not always welcome to touch or people in general. Energy is real and some people don’t give off the most welcome energy. Touch can also be harmful, which is why there are rules when it comes to touch; unspoken. It is always important for us to feel safe.

The Rules:

  • Touch must feel non-sexually harassing – for example a touch to the face from a stranger or coworker can come off very inappropriate and uncomfortable. From an intimate partner is can come off as tender communication but it can also be a way for a partner to take dominance or control over you.
  • A touch to the waist can also be inappropriate so if you don’t know someone it’s best to avoid that area
    • When trying to get someone’s attention a touch on the shoulder is less harassing.

The Powers A Touch Have:

  • Reduces Stress
  • Communicates Compassion Towards Others
  • Brings People Closer: 20 seconds of a hug, hand stroke, etc is enough to release Oxycontin
  • Nurtures Growth & Development in Children
  • Decreases Violent Behavior
  • Creates Trust Between Individuals
  • Improves Intimate Relationships

As much as I try to avoid contact with humans, it’s safe to say that at the end of the day we all need someone, whether it be a friend, lover or just a smile from a stranger walking by. It’s normal to want to guard yourself from the world but there is so much you can gain from the human experience and I will note that it doesn’t have to be an intimate encounter. As long as boundaries are respected and others know what is acceptable the human touch can nourish us spiritually, keep us feeling strong and healthy, and nurture our relationships. Why would we want to rob ourselves of the positive outcomes that come with the human touch?

A List of Things I’ve Bought Since Shelter In Place Began

serious young ethnic lady using laptop while resting on bed near window in modern apartment
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Shelter-in-place has been a blessing to my checking account or so I thought. I’ve saved on all transportation cost like toll, gas and bus fare but I started to notice that the amount I was spending on things like food & alcohol doubled based on my budget app. It hasn’t put me in the hole but some of the stuff I bought I probably really didn’t need like this AquaSonic Black Series Ultra Whitening tooth Brush with 8 replacement heads. Well at the time I bought it I didn’t need it but it’s actually kind of perfect. I can stop buying a ton of toothbrushes.

Here is a list of things I’ve bought from Amazon since being stuck at home.

Hair Care Products:

with this whole pandemic happening I had to cancel my appointment to get my hair braided & I have no clue how to braid my own. It’s at a length where I’m unable to just throw on a wig and go so I’ve had to resort to working with my natural hair. That meant restocking on all the hair products I need. Here’s a list of products I’ve got so far/

  • Detangling Hair Brushes
  • Aunt Jackie’s Know On My Watch Leave-in Detangler
  • Aunt Jackie’s Curl La La
  • Aunt Jackie’s Quench Moisturizing Leave-in Conditioner
  • Aunt Jackie’s Flaxseed Hair Milk
  • Aunt Jackie’s Coconut Creme Deep Conditioner
  • Carol’s Daughter Black Vanilla Oil
  • Carol’s Daughter Mimosa Hair Honey

Skincare Products:

Lately I’ve been breaking out a ton on my cheeks, mostly red blemishes and a few pimples. I’m not a big fan of skincare products but sitting on Amazon & I ended up ordering more than a few things. I think they are working but I have to get more consistent

  • Tree Of Life Vitamin C Facial Cleanser
  • Tree Of Life Exfoliating Facial Scrub
  • Tree Of Life Vitamin C Facial Toner
  • Tree Of Life Anti Aging Serum
    • Vitamin C
    • Retinol
    • Hyaluronic Acid
  • Tree Of Life Retinol Moisturizer Face Cream

Beauty & Home Goods

I finally gave in and got me some Fenty Beauty products along with a few other things to keeps myself feeling pretty

  • 3 Lip Gloss Bombs from Fenty
  • Liquid Eyeliner (Fenty)
  • Lip Scrub (Fenty)
  • Foot Peel Mask I’ve yet to use but will let you guys know if they really work
  • Nose Studs like… a lot
  • Albolene Moisturizing Cleanser: it’s really to help remove makeup and keep you moisturized but I rub it on my stomach during my workout and it makes me sweat a ton.
  • Candles (Bath & Body Works)
  • Foam & Gel Soap ( Bath & Body Works)

I’m not even going to get into the amount of clothing & shoes I’ve gotten my son but It’s a lot. Being stuck at home with him it’s like it’s making him grow even faster. I’ve pretty much had to get him a new wardrobe & shoe collection. Of course I ordered myself a few pair along the way. There’s no telling what else I’ll be spending my money on, especially since my son’s birthday is in less than a month. Isn’t it lovely!

What does your quarantine shopping list look like?