I’m back with a new Vlog on my YouTube channel and today I felt like talking about confidence because let’s face, I don’t always have it and part of that comes from the world we call social media. We start to get so consumed into this idea that we are supposed to look a certain way and have certain things based on what people say, post and like.
I’m here to say, FUCK IT! once you find your confidence no one will be able to tell you shit or make you doubt yourself.
For a few days I’ve been feeling so lost in myself; Not knowing how to feel or what to say. I had a feeling of loneliness and sadness coming over me and a big part of me just wanted to break down and cry. Still I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me and why all of a sudden this feeling decided to pick that exact moment to come over me. Then I was driving home from work & a song came on, Heartbroken by Aaliyah. Before she was even two lines into the song I caught myself wiping tears from my face and trying to control my sobs. That’s when it hit me, I have a broken heart and it still hurts. I gained a new love (my son) but lost another (his dad) in the process. Instead of dealing with the heartbreak of losing the one person I truly loved I filled myself with anger and hate because how could he give up on the family we talked so much about having. Then I let that turn into me acting like he didn’t matter or exist to me. Still everything he does makes me anger and yet I can’t get over the love I feel. I can’t seem to move on. Maybe it’s because I’m still holding on to what could be. For days I’ve been trying to figure out what I’ve been missing and why I’ve been feeling so hurt. Finally I’m admitting to myself that my heart is still broke and it’s my fault for not giving it the time to heal.
Lately as you can see I haven’t done much blogging. I had to take a moment to myself, step back and take a real good look at things and people in my life, mostly my current situation with my son’s father. Most people wouldn’t air out their business on a blog because they are afraid of what people will think of them but I’m a writer and this is how I express my feelings. After all this is The Diary Of She. For the longest I’ve had this man’s back, gave him all I could, didn’t talk down on him and the life he was living. I called him my best friend, my husband and the love of my life. Even when he disrespected me over and over and talked down on me like I was just some random in the street. It took me a year (during my pregnancy to my son being 6 months) to realize that’s not how a man treats a woman he loves and that’s damn sure not how you should treat the mother of your child. It took me thinking back/looking at all the hurtful things he has ever said to me and crying my eyes out to see that’s not the man I want to be with and that’s also not the man I want my son to grow up to be. He will know how to respect not only women but his elders as well. He will work hard for everything he has instead of running to the streets living faulty. I had to stop thinking about myself and start thinking for my son as well. He doesn’t deserve to grow up in a dysfunctional household and he won’t have to. He won’t have to look at someone who abuses his mother, not physically but emotionally. It may have taken a lot to push me but I’ve finally realized, actually i’ve always known that I deserve so much better than what I have been receiving and with that realization has come complete happiness.