I’m Not Sure Where I’ll Be Tomorrow

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When I’m asked where do I see myself 5 years from now the inside of me explodes. I get hot, irritated and my nerves are shot. The answer I give is always some speech I’ve had in my head playing on replay in case anyone happens to ask; an interviewer, a potential love interest or a friend. Really, if I blurted out what I really thought, the answer would be I just want to have my shit together, that’s it and that’s all.

I feel like most of us go through life believing that we must have a plan or our life will be a complete failure, but one thing our peers should have taught us are plans do not always pan out the way we want them to. Things change, major events happen, we change our minds and some of us die before we can even reach the 5 year mark.

There are days when I barely know where I want to be in a month or so. The more I focus on having a plan, the more stressed I become and want to give up on it all. If you were to ask me what my 5 year plan was at this very moment and wanted an honest answer out of me, the response would be something like:

Where do I see myself? I honestly don’t know. I hope to have a steady job, with all the benefits I need to keep me healthy and financially stable once I retire. I pray to still have a roof over my head and money piling up in my saving accounts. Maybe I’ll finally be a best selling author if I can release a book that grabs the attention of most of the people in the world. Motherhood I hope becomes easier but in 5 years I’ll be a year away from having a teenager. That’s just another fear I’ll be adding onto the plate of things I’ll be stressed about. In 5 years I think it’ll be something like that, but who honestly knows, you know?

I could write out a plan right now and there’s no telling if I’d actually be able to see it through, nor am I obligated to. A plan may look pretty and make it seem like you have your life together, but I believe that the universe already has our plan written out for us, in pencil, just in case things have to be changed around a bit. It’s the way of life and I honestly don’t need people out there making me feel like It’s required of me to know what my life will look like.

For almost two years now I’ve been working an amazing job, with great benefits and that alone makes people think I’m set financially and have nothing to worry about, but I do. I have bills, I have a kids and in just a few weeks I’m no longer going to have this good paying job or the benefits, because that’s how contracts work. The financial stability I’m used to will no longer be there. I’ve applied for a full-time position along with people I’ve trained and you want to know who got it? Yeah, the people that I had the pleasure of showing the ropes, all three of them. I’ve had a few other interviews and still nothing, and for a black single mom it’s beyond discouraging.

So, when I’m asked where do I see myself in the 5 years or even a year from now, all I can think about is I don’t even know where I’ll be tomorrow.

30, It’s Officially Around The Corner!

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Okay, maybe not that close but after yesterday, 5/14, which was my birthday, 30 is officially 364 days away. Am I scared? Not like I thought I would be because it’s not about the age, it’s about the experiences, the lessons and the progress. I spent so much time thinking I had to have a husband by 30, a set career by 30, a home by 30 and so many other things BUT here I am at 29 and I’m HAPPY.

Within the 29 years I’ve been on this Earth I believe I’ve done and learned what I’ve needed to, so far. It started in the womb where I began to grow and learned to survive within my mother. Once I opened my eyes to the world outside of her, the growth continued, the teaching and learning began and here I am at 29 still alive and well.

It took me 29 years to realize what I was truly passionate about, to get to know myself as a woman and to realize that life isn’t all about having the best of everything ( cars, clothes, jewels etc.) Besides if I had all the things money could buy me, it would mean nothing if I wasn’t right within myself because those things aren’t what make a person complete.  Even billionaires find themselves unhappy and depressed because they spent so much time assuming all the riches in the world equaled up to happiness.

That even includes finding love. Like I mentioned, I thought I’d be engaged by now and having that wedding next year. Not like it can’t still happen but I’ve been in the process of getting to know what it’s like to truly be alone, which includes no dating and I’ve even cut off those booty calls from the guy you keep on the back burner for just in case moments or the guy you think you’ll eventually be with when HE gets it together. Years of being involved with guys that didn’t truly value who I was as a woman got me thinking, it’s not just them but it’s also ME. What didn’t I like about myself that kept leading me to the same type of guys? Yea, I found my voice and spoke up about the disrespect, yet I still stuck with them because I believed I needed to have somebody no matter how bad I felt with them.

Then as far as a career, I’m not working a full-time job that I’m set in until I retire. I’m contracted but the money is nice and helping me get by. Maybe one day I’ll find that career I’m set in or maybe those books I write and clothes I enjoy creating will be the thing that gets me everything I want. Withing 2 years I’ve released 4 books, which is something I never thought I’d do and that alone is an extremely huge accomplishment. Only time will tell what’s really in my future when it comes to this author/business shit but I think it’s going to be something great.

Although I feel like 30 is officially around the corner, I’m going to enjoy the last of my 20s. I’m finally traveling more, spending more time loving on my family, my mom skills are improving, shit I’m improving and I want to continue to be the best woman and mother I can be.

So, with that said, YAY!!! to this last year in my 20s. Let’s make 29 great!!

 

Life Without A Job

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I’ve been out of work for five month and it not all it’s cracked up to be. I thought, hey, I’ll finally get some time to myself and to focus on my craft. No more spending 4.5 hours on the freeway and more time to focus on my health and my writing. Everything I thought I was going to get to do turned out to be everything I haven’t gotten much time to dive into.

Wait, I lied! The first month of being off was great. I still had to wake up and do school drop-offs but I had time to do other things. I started that YouTube channel, the one I told you guys I decided to delete, I got to go on a few hikes and I was able to take all the naps I wanted. And I can’t express to you the joy I felt not having to put gas in my car every two days. I mean not having a job was great, but of course life had to hit me.

Life Without A Job