My 2019 Year In Review

Here we are again, starting a new year. 2020 came extremely fast this year, not leaving me with much time to reflect. So for my first blog post of 2020, I figured I’d do some reflecting on my 2019 by answering a few questions.

1. How Would I Describe My 2019 In 3 – 5 Words?

A roller-coaster of emotions.

2. How Did I Have Fun?

Though I had many moments where I felt like I was going to have mental breakdowns from working and being a mother/auntie; my 2019 was so much fun. I went to a number of concerts, traveled a lot more and spent almost every month of 2019 with my family celebrating life and each other. I got to see B2K reunited at The Millennium Tour in LA, although the best part of the concert was the opening acts. I was finally able to see Jhene at the Lights On Festival. I had a super fun 29th  birthday party at my great aunts house and then spent the rest of my birthday in Arizona with my best friend Asia (one of the only females that’s remained by my side since we’ve met). We got to take my son & niece to Vegas for the first time and they got to see JoJo Siwa. I turned up in Atlanta with my sister and cousins. Went to Puerto Vallarta & got to swim with Dolphins, which was the the greatest and scariest thing I’ve ever done, especially since I can’t swim (lessons coming in 2020 for me and my son.) Gosh and I can’t even caught the amount of gatherings we’ve had with my close family members. We always have a wonderful time together. Even volunteering at my son’s school and going on our first field trip was fun. I also went to a few lounges.

3. What Did I Learn About Myself?

Throughout 2019 I learned a lot about myself, one of those things was I’m kind of a pushover and I put a lot of people’s needs before mine. I was risking my happiness in order to please those around me and to avoid hurting other’s. I talked to a therapist for this first time and every conversation we had, I noticed I was making excuses for why I couldn’t do things for myself and it always lead to me realizing it was because I didn’t want to let anyone else down or feel like a burden to them. Another thing I learned was that I had become very detached when it came to forming new relationships with people based off some of my failed relationships/friendships towards the end of 2018 and the beginning of 2019.           

4. What Is This Most Important Lesson I Learned?         

Be patient as a mother and to not take out my frustrations on my child. My son started Kindergarten and as excited as I was, I was not prepared from the massive amounts of homework he would be receiving. After all, how much homework can a 5-year-old handle? Apparently a lot and it wasn’t only him learning but me as well. It’s easy to become frustrated when trying to teach your child, especially things they already know. I found myself yelling a lot more and I finally had to take a step back and realize he was probably just as frustrated as me. I had to take into consideration that he was spending long hours  at school while I was working and was tired by the end of the day. I had to find new positive ways to keep him focused and wanting to learn, which took me being patient and understanding. Overall I’m still learning how to be an amazing mother and what does and does not work with my son in all aspects of life.

5. What I Was Disappointed About In 2019?

As a writer, new author and small business owner I am always disappointed when it comes to my books and clothing barely being noticed. Sometimes it seems like no matter how much I promote my work, it’s just not being noticed. I know I told myself I would do more events and pop up shops to get my work out there after having my book signing but I didn’t reach the goals I wanted due to me feeling like I didn’t have the time and also being afraid of the possible outcomes. Another thing is I felt like I was becoming discouraged the more time went by, especially when I seen other’s that used me for inspiration and/or my whole marketing scheme, which was doing much better or getting more recognition mine. It’s disappointing knowing you have to rework you’re whole marketing scheme because you don’t want to look like you are copying another person’s framework when really they just took mine and had more time on their hands to put their all into it. BUT I know nothing happens overnight and I’ve only been at this for about a year. There’s still a lot I can learn and a lot more people I can reach.

6. What Is One Accomplishment I Am Proud Of?

2019 I got to edit my first urban fiction book that was not mine. It’s a different feeling when you are helping another person live out their dreams of becoming a published author. I look forward to being able to edit more books. It may seem small but it was a major accomplishment for me and I was honored someone put their trust into me when it came to their passion project.                                                                                       

 

 

Self-Reflection, Detachment and Me

Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash

When I look into a mirror I don’t think I’ve every actually seen myself; not the person on the inside at least. There has always been this shell that I look at on the daily and as much as I love that shell I don’t always like what I see. I constantly pick out flaws and go over all the ways I can cover them up with clothing, a hairstyle, makeup and other accessories. There are other times I look at myself and feel nothing at all. It’s like I’m just there, looking at a ghost or a copy of myself, but I have never taken the time to self-reflect on who I truly am on the inside or why at times I feel so invisible.

If I were to truly look at myself DETACHED would scream back at me; it’s probably been screaming back at me for years but I had things that distracted me from accepting that truth. Motherhood, work and my writing all gave me an excuse for why I couldn’t do certain things like go on a date, catch up with an old friend, make new friends and more. This gave me a reason to say I don’t have the time but there’s always time, I just didn’t want to make it. I guess you could say I’m emotionally detached and I didn’t reflect on that until I found myself drunk and in deep conversation with my mother.

It’s like I want to get close to people, make lasting friendships and fall in love but I’ve learned to detach myself from the more vulnerable side of my emotions because I haven’t had the best outcomes when it comes to any of the above. By being detached from my feelings and people I’m able to avoid trusting anyone, avoid being in a situation that will cause any kind of drama or stress. Sometimes just being around a big crowd is already too much for me to deal with and I find myself looking for my escape—a door to quickly exit out of. This is something that not only happens when I’m out in the world but even in my home, around family. I’ll spend most of my day locked in the room because I get this strong urge to be to myself. Even the sound of someone talking to me some how has this triggering affect and I just want to flee.

As I sit back and reflect on how much of a strength I feel like being detached is, it’s also one of my biggest weaknesses and nothing to brag about. Just the other day I was told it’s wrong of me to cut ties with people so quickly but I couldn’t really get why but I kind of understand it now. Other people looking in will take that as me not being a genuine or caring person. They may assume I never cared for them much or about the friendship when that’s really not the case. I’m so kind and giving. I’m super goofy and love to make people smile but I won’t get the chance to show much of that side if I continue to keep myself closed off. 

Not sure how soon it’ll take for the change to come but at least I’m starting to recognize my detachment issues, right?

 

30, It’s Officially Around The Corner!

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Okay, maybe not that close but after yesterday, 5/14, which was my birthday, 30 is officially 364 days away. Am I scared? Not like I thought I would be because it’s not about the age, it’s about the experiences, the lessons and the progress. I spent so much time thinking I had to have a husband by 30, a set career by 30, a home by 30 and so many other things BUT here I am at 29 and I’m HAPPY.

Within the 29 years I’ve been on this Earth I believe I’ve done and learned what I’ve needed to, so far. It started in the womb where I began to grow and learned to survive within my mother. Once I opened my eyes to the world outside of her, the growth continued, the teaching and learning began and here I am at 29 still alive and well.

It took me 29 years to realize what I was truly passionate about, to get to know myself as a woman and to realize that life isn’t all about having the best of everything ( cars, clothes, jewels etc.) Besides if I had all the things money could buy me, it would mean nothing if I wasn’t right within myself because those things aren’t what make a person complete.  Even billionaires find themselves unhappy and depressed because they spent so much time assuming all the riches in the world equaled up to happiness.

That even includes finding love. Like I mentioned, I thought I’d be engaged by now and having that wedding next year. Not like it can’t still happen but I’ve been in the process of getting to know what it’s like to truly be alone, which includes no dating and I’ve even cut off those booty calls from the guy you keep on the back burner for just in case moments or the guy you think you’ll eventually be with when HE gets it together. Years of being involved with guys that didn’t truly value who I was as a woman got me thinking, it’s not just them but it’s also ME. What didn’t I like about myself that kept leading me to the same type of guys? Yea, I found my voice and spoke up about the disrespect, yet I still stuck with them because I believed I needed to have somebody no matter how bad I felt with them.

Then as far as a career, I’m not working a full-time job that I’m set in until I retire. I’m contracted but the money is nice and helping me get by. Maybe one day I’ll find that career I’m set in or maybe those books I write and clothes I enjoy creating will be the thing that gets me everything I want. Withing 2 years I’ve released 4 books, which is something I never thought I’d do and that alone is an extremely huge accomplishment. Only time will tell what’s really in my future when it comes to this author/business shit but I think it’s going to be something great.

Although I feel like 30 is officially around the corner, I’m going to enjoy the last of my 20s. I’m finally traveling more, spending more time loving on my family, my mom skills are improving, shit I’m improving and I want to continue to be the best woman and mother I can be.

So, with that said, YAY!!! to this last year in my 20s. Let’s make 29 great!!

 

IT’S A GIVEAWAY!

To celebrate the one year anniversary of my book, “The Diary of She,” I’m doing a giveaway 🎉

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HERE’S HOW YOU ENTER☺️.

💕Like this picture on IG/or this blog post

💕Follow @s_dot_reed and @_thediaryofshe

💕Tag a friend in the comments

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Hope you all have a great Valentine’s Day and I will be DMing the winners this weekend. Good luck 🍀👍🏽 .

Here’s a synopsis of the book below:

“The Diary of She is for the woman who has been shattered to pieces and told she couldn’t be fixed, for the woman who almost gave up on life because she felt like there was no place for her in this world, for the woman who had enough of being treated like she was less than, and for the woman who loved others more than herself. The Diary of She is a collection of poems that represent all the women who have struggled to find themselves. 

As women, we hold our tongues and suffer in silence because we don’t want to be portrayed in a different kind of light, but there’s no reason to hide our imperfections and censor our words. The Diary of She is a collection of everything women have thought but were too afraid to say. She is you and me.”

Still Hustling All 2019…

Happy New Year To All My Readers!!

I know I haven’t posted much but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing. So, Let me update you on what’s been up with me and just give you a recap of my 2018 as well as what I have in store for this year.

January 2018: I created an online store (TDOS) thediaryofshe.com to sell merch that promoted my book The Diary of She. To date my best seller’s on there are my The Diary of She Crew neck and hat.

February 2018: The Diary of She was released. This was my first poetry/prose book and I couldn’t have been more on a high about it. I haven’t sold many, maybe 200 but it was nice to know there were people out there supporting me.

May 2018: Went to LA with family to celebrate my cousin graduating from LMU and then a few weeks later went to Atlanta for the first time to celebrate my birthday. Looking forward to going back. When I got back to work I found out I was on a new team and moving to a new office in San Jose in June 2018.

August 2018: Found out that I’d be out of a job at the end of the month, which was absolutely devastating because I knew I’d no longer have a steady income but I was also relieved because I was becoming extremely stressed out.

Still Hustling All 2019…