I’m back with a new Vlog on my YouTube channel and today I felt like talking about confidence because let’s face, I don’t always have it and part of that comes from the world we call social media. We start to get so consumed into this idea that we are supposed to look a certain way and have certain things based on what people say, post and like.
I’m here to say, FUCK IT! once you find your confidence no one will be able to tell you shit or make you doubt yourself.
I know by now most of us have seen the video posted by PrinceTattedd with the girl Ashley, who sat next to him for waaaayyyyy too long listening to his bullshit about how he doesn’t want a title. If you haven’t seen it you can watch it below before I get into my spill.
Now the video I watched on Facebook was 7 mins but this shit is a 16 min video and I’m over him and I’m also over her for sitting there for so long. BTW it’s also another video and this nigga has keys to her place. Her dad also told her this fool got her looking dumb so he’s mad at her as he should be. The moment he told her he could fuck around with other women but if she did the same he would cut, she needed to get up and walk the hell away BUT looking at her face she already had her mind made up on where her feelings would be staying and that is with him. She has become attached to this man and has already built a bond with the person his YouTube fans do not get to see.
We can call her stupid and we can also say he ain’t shit but trust and believe we’ve all been in this situation, some of us more than once. Now I respect him for finally saying something to her but he should have been straight forward from the start that way she wouldn’t have went into the situation thinking they were working towards a relationship. Now I’m not saying he needed to put a title on what they are because titles aren’t really necessary but an understanding is needed. What I mean by this is going into the situation it should have been made clear that:
It wasn’t until December 2016 that I decided I wanted to work on becoming a more positive person and work on my own happiness. Positivity and happiness were something I always said I wanted but never acquired. In order for me to be happy I needed to work on being positive as well.
For me the first step was accepting that I wasn’t in a happy place.
I may have painted this happy picture but besides the joy I felt when in the presence of my son everything else felt forced. There was always some type of drama in my life and if it wasn’t my own it was someone else’s that I was taking on. I was getting tired of the anger I had building up, the depression I was starting to feel and the fake smile I put on when people were around. While I was silently suffering I was becoming envious of those around me that seemed like they were genuinely happy. I constantly felt like I had a dark cloud over my head following me wherever I went.
There was a time in life I’d wake up every morning thinking I knew who I was until the day came that I realized I didn’t know myself at all. I wasn’t sure where my life was heading and if I’d ever get to that destination. I spent more time worrying about what I didn’t have that I stopped focusing on the journey ahead.
A chunk of my life has been spent letting people dictate who I’d be; mostly the men I caught myself falling for. I was weak, I didn’t have a voice and I damn sure wasn’t using my mind. I look back and I see that I almost let my life go down a path of destruction. I’ve done things that I’ll never be able to take back. For years I was upset with myself and tried to bury the past. How could I almost let my life come to that? I was disappointed in myself but that was a chapter of my life that made a piece of me. I thought I regretted the situation until I realized I learned and grew from it. I was not that person but I still had some searching to do.
Lately as you can see I haven’t done much blogging. I had to take a moment to myself, step back and take a real good look at things and people in my life, mostly my current situation with my son’s father. Most people wouldn’t air out their business on a blog because they are afraid of what people will think of them but I’m a writer and this is how I express my feelings. After all this is The Diary Of She. For the longest I’ve had this man’s back, gave him all I could, didn’t talk down on him and the life he was living. I called him my best friend, my husband and the love of my life. Even when he disrespected me over and over and talked down on me like I was just some random in the street. It took me a year (during my pregnancy to my son being 6 months) to realize that’s not how a man treats a woman he loves and that’s damn sure not how you should treat the mother of your child. It took me thinking back/looking at all the hurtful things he has ever said to me and crying my eyes out to see that’s not the man I want to be with and that’s also not the man I want my son to grow up to be. He will know how to respect not only women but his elders as well. He will work hard for everything he has instead of running to the streets living faulty. I had to stop thinking about myself and start thinking for my son as well. He doesn’t deserve to grow up in a dysfunctional household and he won’t have to. He won’t have to look at someone who abuses his mother, not physically but emotionally. It may have taken a lot to push me but I’ve finally realized, actually i’ve always known that I deserve so much better than what I have been receiving and with that realization has come complete happiness.