My ‘Seed’

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As the seasons passed, I watched you grow.

Finally, I understood what it meant to feel alive.

Whenever I felt butterflies, it was you saying, “hi.”

For months, I watched as you rested on my side.

Though painful, I was happy you were keeping me aware you were alive.

You blossomed into the most beautiful being I’d ever seen.

Born with a crown, you’re for sure a King to be.

Renee, Sydney. The Diary of She – Vol. II: Poems & Affirmations .

Am I Really That Crap Of A Mom

Have you ever had a moment where you’ve come to realize that you just may be the most god-awful person in the world? Like everyone around you would probably be better off if you ducked off to some private island or a secluded house into the woods? I have this feeling more than I’d like to admit and I just ask myself, what did I do to deserve to feel this way, especially from a little kid; the life I created?

Sometimes I just feel like a crap of a mom, who doesn’t deserve to bring another life into the world, which I probably won’t. As a grown woman I know it’s normal for younger children to have their outburst and turn you into the villain from their favorite show or movie because you’ve told them to:

STOP MAKING ALL THAT DAMN NOISE

GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!!

IT’S TIME TO TAKE A SHOWER.

NO MORE SNACKS

BRUSH YOUR TEETH

IT’S TIME TO GO TO BED!

But the responses you receive and the actions they take to prove how upset you’ve made them is like a bullet to the heart. I’ve heard the words, I hate you, I want a new mom, I want to live with (insert name(s) here) but not you, among other things you really don’t want to hear from your little one. You know they don’t mean it and they would have a heart-attack if you really sent them off to a new mom or family, but the thought lingers in the back of your mind of whether or not you’re truly deserving of your own kid.

Since the day I found out I was pregnant I’ve always worried about if I was going to be a good mom and I wonder if my kid will grow up hating my guts or be appreciative of all I’ve done and taught him. He’s still young but it’s hard not to wonder if you are making them happy. My son loves to be under me, play games with me and he always wants to cuddle, but sometimes he has moments where I feel like he just doesn’t like me. They say it’s a phase that’s pretty much like puberty but the shit sucks and I know I still have years of him having his moments of hating me because I didn’t get himself, let him do something, or told him right from wrong, which he probably won’t realize I was right and only looking out for his best interest until he’s an adult.

That also means I’m still going to have moment’s of feeling like a crappy mom but that’s alright. I’m pretty sure it won’t always be that way. Part of being a human being is feeling both emotions of love and hate. We feel it as adults so it’s only normal for our children to feel the same. All we can do it continue to teach them about how to be respectful and how to spread more love than ill feelings towards others. It’s going to be a test but I think we’ll pass it in the end.

Moms, It’s Time To Start Making Time For Self

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Photo by Sai De Silva on Unsplash

Friday I decided to have some time to myself (with the company of my cousin). I headed to Chevy’s, ate some chips and salsa, devoured some hot wings, and had a few drinks while talking for hours. It was just the Friday night I needed and one I hadn’t had for quiet some time. It was honestly a night I didn’t know I needed until I walked out the door and a sense of relief came over me. I was finally getting away from the kids and this time I didn’t feel bad about it.

When it comes to being a full-time mother it’s rare that we get time to be to ourselves, especially if you also work full-time. We get into the routine of waking up, packing lunches, getting the kids dressed and off to school. Then comes the full day at work that doesn’t always go as planned and can drain the life out of you before you get back to the kids school for pick up. Once you pick them up now you have to make snacks, do homework, make dinner and go through a whole bedtime routine. How does the world expect us mother’s not to be physically/mentally drained?

Due to the judgement of others, a lot of mother’s don’t express the amount of exhaustion they feel or how they need or want a break from being a mom for just a day—hell, even a few hours. We get told not to complain because, “it’s your job,” and “that’s what you’re supposed to do.” As a mother we already know it’s our jobs to make sure our children are well taken care of, happy and healthy but we also can’t put our self-care to the side because eventually we will break and mom’s, you do not want that to happen.

It’s time to start making time for yourselves moms and below is a list of how you can do it!

TAKE YOURSELF TO A MOVIE

I’m sure there may be a list of movies you’ve been dying to see but haven’t quite had the time. Plan a day away from the kids and go see one of them. This will give you at least 2 hours away from the clutter and screaming children.

GO OUT TO EAT

Plan a lunch/dinner date with a few girlfriends or family you haven’t seen in awhile. Treat yourself to a drink while at it. You deserve it!

EXERCISE

Go for a nice walk, a hike, do some yoga or take a boxing class. Some fresh air and a nice sweat is just the break you may need. This will give you time to clear your mind, relieve stress and get healthy during the process.

TAKE TIME TO RELAX

After a long day of mommy duties run a warm bath & maybe even light a candle. You’ll be sure to get a good night’s sleep.

POWER NAP

It’ll be the best nap you’ve every had and is sure to keep you going throughout the day. Sometimes we think we need those long hour naps to re-energize but some times those are the same naps that keep us feeling sluggish throughout the day,

Whatever you do, make sure to always make time for YOU!

 

Affirmations For Kids

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As a mother with a 5-year-old son, one of my main goals is to make sure he always feels good about himself and has faith in what he is doing. This is something I’d like to instill in him so he remembers his worth and the power he carries within him, as he grows into a man. With a few affirmations a day, in the morning, before doing homework or at bedtime, parents can change their child’s mindset in a positive way.

Before I get into sharing a few affirmations with you, I want to explain how I got into doing this practice with my son.

If you follow my blog, you know that my son started kindergarten back in August. For a kinder classroom, his school has a pretty advanced curriculum, which as a 5-year-old I didn’t have to learn. Currently, they are teaching the kids how to read, tell time, etc and to my satisfaction my son is at grade level, but a little over a month ago that wasn’t the case. His teacher had sent a red note in his yellow folder explaining he was below grade level. Based on the color of the note my son knew something was wrong and I wanted to be open and honest with him. I wen’t on to explain that he needed to practice his blends and vowels and asked him what it was in class he couldn’t really remember.

After our conversation, I’m not sure if he could sense my concerns but he began to cry harder than I’ve ever seen him cry. His feelings were hurt and watching the tears roll down his little face broke my heart. I felt like I failed and I could see that he was already losing his confidence. That’s when I decided it was time to figure out how to lift his spirits, get him excited about learning and instill the confidence he had before we talked about him being a little behind. I knew affirmations were just the thing for him.

If you’re dealing with a younger kid like mine, you’ll want to keep the affirmations short and simple. I like to have my son look in the mirror or we look at each other; face-to-face and start by saying, “I AM.” One of his favorites to say is, “I Am Smart.”

Here are a list of affirmations that will help your child(ren) believe in themselves and develop a habit of having positive thoughts:

  • I am intelligent
  • I am brave
  • I am protected
  • I can do anything
  • I am creative
  • I am a good student
  • I am a good friend
  • I am worthy
  • I am kind
  • I love myself
  • I am loved

Once you begin saying affirmations with you child(ren) daily you will start to notice a change in their personalities and they will even begin to recite them on their own, as well as start encouraging others around them.

Does Not Wanting More Kids Make Me A Horrible Woman?

Whenever I’m asked if I want more kids my first reaction is no and then of course the hypothetical questions start coming. What if your partner wants a kid? What if it happened on accident? Well to answer those questions, when I do begin to date and find someone that I may see a future with I’m going to let him know right away I no longer see kids in my future. As far as the accidents happening, I’m taking all forms of safety to prevent that, which includes birth control and no I don’t want to hear anyone’s opinions about how it’s bad for a woman’s body because it’s treating me just fine.

With the birth of my first niece, I some what took on the role of a mom to her. I was the first person she seen when she was born and with us living in the same home we’ve been inseparable since the day she was born. As much as I love her, between her and my own child I feel like my stress is doubled especially since she’s no longer a sweet little baby lol. She and my son fight like cats and dogs and it always reminds me of how much I love when it’s just him by himself. There’s less mess, less noise and way less of me losing my voice. It just reassures me that I never want to give life to another human again but it makes me wonder if that makes me a bad person.

I know there’s women out in the world who suffer from multiple miscarriages and others that will never be able to have a child on their own yet my eggs are healthy and I can create a child without issue and still I do not want to. I’ve experienced the beauty of giving birth and I receive the best love & affection from the son I have. I look at him and I don’t think I could do any better because he is perfect to me and is all I need. I sometimes wonder if I brought another child into this world would I be able to love him or her just the same. Do I really have enough love and patience to give to another? Many will say yes but there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe I can nor do I want to.

With my son I didn’t experience postpartum, or at least I don’t think I did. I was a tab bit scared when I first brought him home but I eventually got into the swing of things. I’m still learning as he is growing and with everyday that passes there’s a new challenge I’m faced with. Right now that challenge is helping my son get through his homework and he is only in Kindergarten. I still have a lot of years left of that and I don’t want to have to go through that cycle a second time. It may seem like something minor to some, you know nothing that will lead someone to not wanting more kids but that’s exactly where I stand.

When my son and niece get together I find myself wanting to grab a drink just to deal with the stress and feeling like I’m the only one trying to get them under control. A drink cannot always be my answer, the one thing that’s going to stop me from losing my mind but it’s the first thing I want when all I hear and see around me is chaos. I feel like a bad person, when I yell for them to go in there room but sometimes I just want my space, a moment of silence, a timeout from being a mom.

The crazy thing about me not wanting more kids is I feel like those that don’t want a second child are those that don’t actually like kids or regret having them. I’m neither of those people. I always get asked the question do I regret breaking up with my ex (they guy I was with before I got with my baby daddy) and my answer is always no because I wouldn’t have the amazing child I have and I def can’t imagine a life without my baby boy. I always used to say I wanted 3 kids, all boys but now that I have my one all I want is him. I do not care to create two more but is that going to be fair to the person I eventually end up with? Will he look at me like I’m a bad person even though he said he was okay with me not wanting kids? What if the person I get with said he was okay with us not having children and then he changes his mind? Will I have to then let go of a person I love because I was serious when I said no more kids for me? Will that also turn me into this horrible woman for not giving my husband what he so desperately wants?

I look at children and no matter how precious they are I don’t feel the way I used to. I don’t get that, I want to have another baby feeling like I used to. Is it something wrong with me? or is it normal to only want one child?