A List of Things I’ve Bought Since Shelter In Place Began

serious young ethnic lady using laptop while resting on bed near window in modern apartment
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Shelter-in-place has been a blessing to my checking account or so I thought. I’ve saved on all transportation cost like toll, gas and bus fare but I started to notice that the amount I was spending on things like food & alcohol doubled based on my budget app. It hasn’t put me in the hole but some of the stuff I bought I probably really didn’t need like this AquaSonic Black Series Ultra Whitening tooth Brush with 8 replacement heads. Well at the time I bought it I didn’t need it but it’s actually kind of perfect. I can stop buying a ton of toothbrushes.

Here is a list of things I’ve bought from Amazon since being stuck at home.

Hair Care Products:

with this whole pandemic happening I had to cancel my appointment to get my hair braided & I have no clue how to braid my own. It’s at a length where I’m unable to just throw on a wig and go so I’ve had to resort to working with my natural hair. That meant restocking on all the hair products I need. Here’s a list of products I’ve got so far/

  • Detangling Hair Brushes
  • Aunt Jackie’s Know On My Watch Leave-in Detangler
  • Aunt Jackie’s Curl La La
  • Aunt Jackie’s Quench Moisturizing Leave-in Conditioner
  • Aunt Jackie’s Flaxseed Hair Milk
  • Aunt Jackie’s Coconut Creme Deep Conditioner
  • Carol’s Daughter Black Vanilla Oil
  • Carol’s Daughter Mimosa Hair Honey

Skincare Products:

Lately I’ve been breaking out a ton on my cheeks, mostly red blemishes and a few pimples. I’m not a big fan of skincare products but sitting on Amazon & I ended up ordering more than a few things. I think they are working but I have to get more consistent

  • Tree Of Life Vitamin C Facial Cleanser
  • Tree Of Life Exfoliating Facial Scrub
  • Tree Of Life Vitamin C Facial Toner
  • Tree Of Life Anti Aging Serum
    • Vitamin C
    • Retinol
    • Hyaluronic Acid
  • Tree Of Life Retinol Moisturizer Face Cream

Beauty & Home Goods

I finally gave in and got me some Fenty Beauty products along with a few other things to keeps myself feeling pretty

  • 3 Lip Gloss Bombs from Fenty
  • Liquid Eyeliner (Fenty)
  • Lip Scrub (Fenty)
  • Foot Peel Mask I’ve yet to use but will let you guys know if they really work
  • Nose Studs like… a lot
  • Albolene Moisturizing Cleanser: it’s really to help remove makeup and keep you moisturized but I rub it on my stomach during my workout and it makes me sweat a ton.
  • Candles (Bath & Body Works)
  • Foam & Gel Soap ( Bath & Body Works)

I’m not even going to get into the amount of clothing & shoes I’ve gotten my son but It’s a lot. Being stuck at home with him it’s like it’s making him grow even faster. I’ve pretty much had to get him a new wardrobe & shoe collection. Of course I ordered myself a few pair along the way. There’s no telling what else I’ll be spending my money on, especially since my son’s birthday is in less than a month. Isn’t it lovely!

What does your quarantine shopping list look like?

Self-Reflection, Detachment and Me

Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash

When I look into a mirror I don’t think I’ve every actually seen myself; not the person on the inside at least. There has always been this shell that I look at on the daily and as much as I love that shell I don’t always like what I see. I constantly pick out flaws and go over all the ways I can cover them up with clothing, a hairstyle, makeup and other accessories. There are other times I look at myself and feel nothing at all. It’s like I’m just there, looking at a ghost or a copy of myself, but I have never taken the time to self-reflect on who I truly am on the inside or why at times I feel so invisible.

If I were to truly look at myself DETACHED would scream back at me; it’s probably been screaming back at me for years but I had things that distracted me from accepting that truth. Motherhood, work and my writing all gave me an excuse for why I couldn’t do certain things like go on a date, catch up with an old friend, make new friends and more. This gave me a reason to say I don’t have the time but there’s always time, I just didn’t want to make it. I guess you could say I’m emotionally detached and I didn’t reflect on that until I found myself drunk and in deep conversation with my mother.

It’s like I want to get close to people, make lasting friendships and fall in love but I’ve learned to detach myself from the more vulnerable side of my emotions because I haven’t had the best outcomes when it comes to any of the above. By being detached from my feelings and people I’m able to avoid trusting anyone, avoid being in a situation that will cause any kind of drama or stress. Sometimes just being around a big crowd is already too much for me to deal with and I find myself looking for my escape—a door to quickly exit out of. This is something that not only happens when I’m out in the world but even in my home, around family. I’ll spend most of my day locked in the room because I get this strong urge to be to myself. Even the sound of someone talking to me some how has this triggering affect and I just want to flee.

As I sit back and reflect on how much of a strength I feel like being detached is, it’s also one of my biggest weaknesses and nothing to brag about. Just the other day I was told it’s wrong of me to cut ties with people so quickly but I couldn’t really get why but I kind of understand it now. Other people looking in will take that as me not being a genuine or caring person. They may assume I never cared for them much or about the friendship when that’s really not the case. I’m so kind and giving. I’m super goofy and love to make people smile but I won’t get the chance to show much of that side if I continue to keep myself closed off. 

Not sure how soon it’ll take for the change to come but at least I’m starting to recognize my detachment issues, right?

 

Does Not Wanting More Kids Make Me A Horrible Woman?

Whenever I’m asked if I want more kids my first reaction is no and then of course the hypothetical questions start coming. What if your partner wants a kid? What if it happened on accident? Well to answer those questions, when I do begin to date and find someone that I may see a future with I’m going to let him know right away I no longer see kids in my future. As far as the accidents happening, I’m taking all forms of safety to prevent that, which includes birth control and no I don’t want to hear anyone’s opinions about how it’s bad for a woman’s body because it’s treating me just fine.

With the birth of my first niece, I some what took on the role of a mom to her. I was the first person she seen when she was born and with us living in the same home we’ve been inseparable since the day she was born. As much as I love her, between her and my own child I feel like my stress is doubled especially since she’s no longer a sweet little baby lol. She and my son fight like cats and dogs and it always reminds me of how much I love when it’s just him by himself. There’s less mess, less noise and way less of me losing my voice. It just reassures me that I never want to give life to another human again but it makes me wonder if that makes me a bad person.

I know there’s women out in the world who suffer from multiple miscarriages and others that will never be able to have a child on their own yet my eggs are healthy and I can create a child without issue and still I do not want to. I’ve experienced the beauty of giving birth and I receive the best love & affection from the son I have. I look at him and I don’t think I could do any better because he is perfect to me and is all I need. I sometimes wonder if I brought another child into this world would I be able to love him or her just the same. Do I really have enough love and patience to give to another? Many will say yes but there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe I can nor do I want to.

With my son I didn’t experience postpartum, or at least I don’t think I did. I was a tab bit scared when I first brought him home but I eventually got into the swing of things. I’m still learning as he is growing and with everyday that passes there’s a new challenge I’m faced with. Right now that challenge is helping my son get through his homework and he is only in Kindergarten. I still have a lot of years left of that and I don’t want to have to go through that cycle a second time. It may seem like something minor to some, you know nothing that will lead someone to not wanting more kids but that’s exactly where I stand.

When my son and niece get together I find myself wanting to grab a drink just to deal with the stress and feeling like I’m the only one trying to get them under control. A drink cannot always be my answer, the one thing that’s going to stop me from losing my mind but it’s the first thing I want when all I hear and see around me is chaos. I feel like a bad person, when I yell for them to go in there room but sometimes I just want my space, a moment of silence, a timeout from being a mom.

The crazy thing about me not wanting more kids is I feel like those that don’t want a second child are those that don’t actually like kids or regret having them. I’m neither of those people. I always get asked the question do I regret breaking up with my ex (they guy I was with before I got with my baby daddy) and my answer is always no because I wouldn’t have the amazing child I have and I def can’t imagine a life without my baby boy. I always used to say I wanted 3 kids, all boys but now that I have my one all I want is him. I do not care to create two more but is that going to be fair to the person I eventually end up with? Will he look at me like I’m a bad person even though he said he was okay with me not wanting kids? What if the person I get with said he was okay with us not having children and then he changes his mind? Will I have to then let go of a person I love because I was serious when I said no more kids for me? Will that also turn me into this horrible woman for not giving my husband what he so desperately wants?

I look at children and no matter how precious they are I don’t feel the way I used to. I don’t get that, I want to have another baby feeling like I used to. Is it something wrong with me? or is it normal to only want one child?

8 Months Dry

@CAMINHO_DO_DESPERTAR

The celibate talk again?? Yes and you’ll hear it as long as I continue to start, stop and restart my journey. The last time we had this talk was maybe 2 years ago when I was on my operation closed legs.

If you want to know how that went, I’m sure you’ve already figured that one out- I FAILED but I’ve started over again and not on purpose.

In my previous episodes of celibacy I always told myself I wasn’t going to have sex or be involved with anyone just because I wanted to see if I was capable of doing it; see how great my discipline was. The longest I held out was 6 months and maybe not even that but this time it’s different. Back then knowing that I had made a deal with myself to not have sex only made me want it more. It didn’t make it any easier being interested in someone and having temptation surrounding me. During those times I literally had no WHY!

Why did I want to practice celibacy?

Why did I want to take a break from the male species?

Why was it important for me to hold out sexually?

I didn’t really have any answers to those questions until a few encounters with a couple guys I thought I had something serious with but they opened my eyes. I had finally seen the importance of loving myself, standing my ground and not letting no nigga think it’s cool to play me out. The way a man treats you really tells you a lot and the longer you withhold anything they see of value to THEM the quicker they reveal who they really are.

This time around with my celibacy I didn’t have a talk with myself about seeing how long I could abstain from sex as I had done in previous situations but instead I started questioning why I was giving my body to men that couldn’t respect me as a woman. It’s always good when it’s all fun and games. There’s no drama when he’s having it his way but when you bring up “the talk,” the relationship one and it always seems to become a problem.

I never understood it; why was I good enough for sex but not good enough for a relationship? I had to realize it was because I wasn’t setting my standards as high as I thought I was. I wasn’t putting my full intentions out there on the table for all to see. In a way I played the submissive role and kept my mouth shut thinking that was the way to make a dude happy and eventually choose me and only me. Once I finally opened my mouth to express what I wanted from the person I had been giving every part of me to, to only get the joking you know you my boo while he entertain other women let me know that’s not what I wanted. I’d rather remain single and celibate than to invest in something or in this case someone that honestly has no worth nor seen mine.

Now, I could lie and say these 8 months without sex has been easy but I’m going to keep it real. For the most part it’s been a breeze. Not having to worry about if the person I’m fucking is throwing another woman’s legs over his shoulders or lying to my face while laying in bed with me has been beyond peaceful. The craving to feel kisses on my neck, hands on my thighs and warmth between my legs went away faster than I thought it would but I recently got a reminder that my body still craves to have a man close.

Just a few weeks ago I was ready to risk it all. For a minute I thought I could no longer feel for a man because I had closed myself off almost completely. I was so disgusted by the disrespect and the degrading remarks and actions that came from men that I didn’t care if I never had sex again. That was until I looked at him. There are just some people you continue to have this undeniable chemistry with and it almost lead me down the path I’m trying to stay far away from. It took everything in me to say, “Sydney, this isn’t what you want to do even though your body is calling for it.”

I could have easily spread my legs and let him right inside but I’m at a point where I want something that’s going to lead me down the aisle, which is why I had to take that step back and pull it together. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a serious relationship and although I doubt I hold out until marriage (kudos to me if I do) I will wait for the person that was created for me and only me.

This experience has taught me not only discipline but how to love my mind, how to respect my body and to love who I see on the mirror daily.

Wish me luck on my next 4 months and 4 more after that.

30, It’s Officially Around The Corner!

milkovi-397634-unsplash

Okay, maybe not that close but after yesterday, 5/14, which was my birthday, 30 is officially 364 days away. Am I scared? Not like I thought I would be because it’s not about the age, it’s about the experiences, the lessons and the progress. I spent so much time thinking I had to have a husband by 30, a set career by 30, a home by 30 and so many other things BUT here I am at 29 and I’m HAPPY.

Within the 29 years I’ve been on this Earth I believe I’ve done and learned what I’ve needed to, so far. It started in the womb where I began to grow and learned to survive within my mother. Once I opened my eyes to the world outside of her, the growth continued, the teaching and learning began and here I am at 29 still alive and well.

It took me 29 years to realize what I was truly passionate about, to get to know myself as a woman and to realize that life isn’t all about having the best of everything ( cars, clothes, jewels etc.) Besides if I had all the things money could buy me, it would mean nothing if I wasn’t right within myself because those things aren’t what make a person complete.  Even billionaires find themselves unhappy and depressed because they spent so much time assuming all the riches in the world equaled up to happiness.

That even includes finding love. Like I mentioned, I thought I’d be engaged by now and having that wedding next year. Not like it can’t still happen but I’ve been in the process of getting to know what it’s like to truly be alone, which includes no dating and I’ve even cut off those booty calls from the guy you keep on the back burner for just in case moments or the guy you think you’ll eventually be with when HE gets it together. Years of being involved with guys that didn’t truly value who I was as a woman got me thinking, it’s not just them but it’s also ME. What didn’t I like about myself that kept leading me to the same type of guys? Yea, I found my voice and spoke up about the disrespect, yet I still stuck with them because I believed I needed to have somebody no matter how bad I felt with them.

Then as far as a career, I’m not working a full-time job that I’m set in until I retire. I’m contracted but the money is nice and helping me get by. Maybe one day I’ll find that career I’m set in or maybe those books I write and clothes I enjoy creating will be the thing that gets me everything I want. Withing 2 years I’ve released 4 books, which is something I never thought I’d do and that alone is an extremely huge accomplishment. Only time will tell what’s really in my future when it comes to this author/business shit but I think it’s going to be something great.

Although I feel like 30 is officially around the corner, I’m going to enjoy the last of my 20s. I’m finally traveling more, spending more time loving on my family, my mom skills are improving, shit I’m improving and I want to continue to be the best woman and mother I can be.

So, with that said, YAY!!! to this last year in my 20s. Let’s make 29 great!!