It’s been 8 months since I’ve seen my best-friend and about 4 years since we’ve had a real honest conversation, well besides the conversation we had 8 months ago, which I feel like he was forced to have. Not because I forced him but because how awkward is it to be in the same room with somebody that you were once so close to and not say anything at all? Extremely! I admit, I was going to be the one that continued to avoid him but he seen me and stopped me. I thought that moment was going to be the rekindling of the friendship we once had but just when I got my hopes up I was let down once again.Continue reading “I Miss My Best-friend (Sometimes).”
Sometimes I look around and I wonder if I’ve ever truly been in love… There are times I feel so disconnected when it comes to my emotions for the opposite sex but I’m sure others wonder, how can that be?
I wonder the same myself. How is it that I can constantly write about love but feel like I’ve never been in it? As I look through my writing I realize that every poem, quote and short story I have that talks about love never ends with a happily ever after. It’s more about love lost or a new “love” coming into the picture after heartbreak and betrayals or… It could be that I’m addicted to the idea of love and that’s why ever little spark I’ve felt with someone I’ve just ran with it without really putting myself into what love truly was. Thinking that maybe if I continued to write about it that those fairytale endings that I dream so much about would magically appear on the paper and manifest into my life.
It’s been a long time coming but I’ve finally decided to create a mailing list. I’ve been thinking of all the ways I could interact directly with my supporters and build an audience without having to make a million post on Facebook and Instagram. Also those social apps didn’t allow me the space to add all the links to what I have going, such as my merch, YouTube channel, this blog, my books and more.
With that said, please subscribe to my mailing list to stay updated on all things, “The Diary of She.”
There’s always that family friend or family member that likes to point out how you never have a significant other or never allow people to get close to you. It can become annoying when you have gatherings and before you even get there you know the questions you’re going to get involve your dating life, the one you may not have. I know for a fact I don’t have a dating life, even though at times I want to experience what it’s like I’m quick to avoid the entire situation.
I hate saying it but men really are the main reason I say no to dates. I’m sure there are a lot of good ones out there but I tend to do all I can to avoid any man due to the ones I’ve dealt with in the past. Going through months of getting to know a person only to find out they are nothing like the person they portrayed to be is a complete turn off. It’s so much that makes you say to yourself, “Maybe being alone won’t be so bad after all.” I’d rather be lonely than be drained of all my energy by a person that doesn’t want the best for me. Anyway before I start ranting let me list the rest of my reasons as to why I do not date.
The moment I became a mother, life changed. I knew I’d have to be stronger than what I was. I had to become selfless because I was no longer alone. There wasn’t a book that could prepare me for what was to come. After all, not every experience was the same. Either, I had it or I didn’t, and let me tell you… Baby, I was made for this shit
Renee, Sydney. The Diary of She – Vol. II: Poems & Affirmations
When you first tell people you are having a child, most moms-to-be hear about how beautiful motherhood is and how much of a blessing it is, which it is. It’s like opening up a new present everyday. Some days you may not like what surprises come your way but you’re always extremely happy and blessed to be able to say that gift is forever going to be yours. I didn’t get the sugar-coated story of how beautiful motherhood was I got the real, the stories of how hard things are going to be raising a child alone. It used to get to me and I always assumed no one was happy about the life I was bringing into the world. I assumed everyone thought I was making a mistake but instead my family just wanted me to see both sides, yeah its beautiful but it’s also going to be a struggle.
My son is 4-years-old now and everything about him brings joy to my life. I still watch over him like he’s a newborn baby that looks way too fragile to touch. He may be half my size but I still hold onto him like he’s a 6-pound baby even if i start to get uncomfortable from him being half my size but I continue because bliss is having him close. I hate to see his feelings hurt and when he’s sick all I want to do is comfort him in every way that I can. I love watching him play in his own little world, using that beautiful imagination that I pray stays with him as he gets older. The day’s I’m down and feeling like everything around me is falling apart I can look to him and every negative feeling that’s going through me is suddenly cleansed from my body because that’s the kind of magic he carries. His voice is like the sound of angels and his I love yous are music to my ears. I honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him. My love for him is unconditional and I couldn’t imagine anything coming close to the joy he brings.
But then again no matter how beautiful it all is or how much love I have in me, just like any mother, especially a single one, I find myself exhausted, angry and sometimes having resentment towards the man who helped me create him because he isn’t there for all the hard times. The times I get an hour of sleep because my son’s allergies make it hard for him to breathe or because his head is pounding and he doesn’t know that the more he cries the worst it’s going to get. I can remember the first time it really hit me that I was doing this thing called motherhood on my own. My son had to only be 2 and that whole day I started to notice he was breathing kind of heavy and I could see his ribs from his back. Things weren’t changing but only getting worst so it was time to take him to the hospital. I was grateful my older sister was in town to go with me but before we left I had to take a moment and cry in the bathroom because I was sad that he was going through that but I was also sad that I didn’t have the support of his dad. This was the first time I had to deal with something serious alone but it wasn’t going to be the last and yet I still have so many years ahead of me.
There’s time I feel horrible as a mom because I’ve spent all day yelling for my son to listen then, wondering why do I even bother. Having to listen to him cry because now I have to take the things away that he enjoys just to remind him that some of the things he’s doing isn’t nice and that mommy doesn’t like having to be mean for him to listen. I have those moments that I feel bad because I don’t have the funds to take him out to all these fun places so I send him to the backyard to play instead, thankful that he knows how’s to enjoy himself. Yet, still carrying the resentment that for 4 years now I’ve been taking care of all the medical bills, all the schooling, all the groceries and everything else on my own that pertains to my son because no matter how much I’m struggling he has to be taken care of but his dad can come up with all the excuses to why he hasn’t been able to help.
I try my hardest to let go of the resentment I feel but again I have moment’s when I was to yell, scream, and let him know this beautiful creation is not just mine. I’ll always enjoy having this life only because my son is in it and he brings me more great days than bad ones but to all the mother’s out there just know we will always have moments of feeling like we just want a little break to take care of our mental. We spend our lives taking care of everyone but ourselves and though others may not notice what goes into motherhood, the sacrifices we make and how we all know how to make something out of nothing, I’m here to say I’m right there with you.
“There is no weapon in the feminine armory to which men are so vulnerable as they are to a smile”. – Dorothy Dix
Last night I went somewhat on a rant after seeing the most unexpected message to come to my phone that whole entire day. I had no clue what I was looking at and I was confused as to why I was being scolded for not being into a guy the way he thought I was? The old me would have looked at the texts that were accusing me of being this manipulative, liar who agreed to go on a date (that I didn’t agree to) and pretended not to know who this guy was when I seen him and I would have immediately cussed out this guy but instead I kept my cool for the simple fact that the whole situation was petty and we have a mutual friend.
Let me give you a little background on how we got to this place:
Like a flower needs rain to grow
You need pain to grow
Today I was talking to a good friend of mine as I always do in our group chat and the topic of change came up. Currently I’m in-between jobs and she believes this whole change I’m enduring in life is coming from the universe and the universe is say, “follow your dreams and gain the freedom and happiness you’ve always desired.” Mind you, the universe, as well as those that know me, have been trying to tell me this for a long time but I always let my 9-5 and the fear of failing stop me.
Someone once told me that the fear I was feeling was the devil trying to hold me back and I can do nothing but agree with that because it was a fact. Now that I’m no longer working I’m so happy I have all this free time to put my fears behind me and jump into what I love most, creating… Podcast, books, YouTube videos and clothing. Continue reading “With Change Comes Growth”