Every day I look at my bookshelf and the stack of empty journals just waiting to be used, along with the two sitting on my nightstand begging to be opened. I thought about throwing them out and I’ve told people to stop buying them for me because I don’t use them. Yet, I refuse to give them away because of their beauty.
Oh and I can’t forget about the half empty journals with memories of my summer’s before college and the times I felt so hurt by the father of my child that I couldn’t do anything but write. Like honestly, do I rip out the pages and burn the memories or do I continue to write in them with more consistency?
I’ve been thinking of all the ways I can bring my journals back to life; get them out of their state of loneliness and I believe I’ve found some answers. Check out these ideas that will help put those empty or half empty journals to use:
Keep it next to your bed and write down every dream you can remember having as soon as you wake up
Write a sentence a day and see where it takes you. It’s possible you’ll end up with a story at the end
Make it a budgeting journal. Keep note of all your expenses each month.
Into cooking or want to keep a track of new/old recipes? Write it down.
Everyday make a list of what you are grateful for
Password Journal because if you’re a normal human I know those passwords start to get confusing.
Use it for your To Do List
If you tend to travel a lot write about your trips
A fitness journal – track your progress (weight, recipes, exercises, etc)
Start a therapy journal
Write down positive affirmations or quotes daily
& there’s so much more you can use those empty journals for. What do you use your journals for?
Here we are again, starting a new year. 2020 came extremely fast this year, not leaving me with much time to reflect. So for my first blog post of 2020, I figured I’d do some reflecting on my 2019 by answering a few questions.
1. How Would I Describe My 2019 In 3 – 5 Words?
A roller-coaster of emotions.
2. How Did I Have Fun?
Though I had many moments where I felt like I was going to have mental breakdowns from working and being a mother/auntie; my 2019 was so much fun. I went to a number of concerts, traveled a lot more and spent almost every month of 2019 with my family celebrating life and each other. I got to see B2K reunited at The Millennium Tour in LA, although the best part of the concert was the opening acts. I was finally able to see Jhene at the Lights On Festival. I had a super fun 29th birthday party at my great aunts house and then spent the rest of my birthday in Arizona with my best friend Asia (one of the only females that’s remained by my side since we’ve met). We got to take my son & niece to Vegas for the first time and they got to see JoJo Siwa. I turned up in Atlanta with my sister and cousins. Went to Puerto Vallarta & got to swim with Dolphins, which was the the greatest and scariest thing I’ve ever done, especially since I can’t swim (lessons coming in 2020 for me and my son.) Gosh and I can’t even caught the amount of gatherings we’ve had with my close family members. We always have a wonderful time together. Even volunteering at my son’s school and going on our first field trip was fun. I also went to a few lounges.
3. What Did I Learn About Myself?
Throughout 2019 I learned a lot about myself, one of those things was I’m kind of a pushover and I put a lot of people’s needs before mine. I was risking my happiness in order to please those around me and to avoid hurting other’s. I talked to a therapist for this first time and every conversation we had, I noticed I was making excuses for why I couldn’t do things for myself and it always lead to me realizing it was because I didn’t want to let anyone else down or feel like a burden to them. Another thing I learned was that I had become very detached when it came to forming new relationships with people based off some of my failed relationships/friendships towards the end of 2018 and the beginning of 2019.
4. What Is This Most Important Lesson I Learned?
Be patient as a mother and to not take out my frustrations on my child. My son started Kindergarten and as excited as I was, I was not prepared from the massive amounts of homework he would be receiving. After all, how much homework can a 5-year-old handle? Apparently a lot and it wasn’t only him learning but me as well. It’s easy to become frustrated when trying to teach your child, especially things they already know. I found myself yelling a lot more and I finally had to take a step back and realize he was probably just as frustrated as me. I had to take into consideration that he was spending long hours at school while I was working and was tired by the end of the day. I had to find new positive ways to keep him focused and wanting to learn, which took me being patient and understanding. Overall I’m still learning how to be an amazing mother and what does and does not work with my son in all aspects of life.
5. What I Was Disappointed About In 2019?
As a writer, new author and small business owner I am always disappointed when it comes to my books and clothing barely being noticed. Sometimes it seems like no matter how much I promote my work, it’s just not being noticed. I know I told myself I would do more events and pop up shops to get my work out there after having my book signing but I didn’t reach the goals I wanted due to me feeling like I didn’t have the time and also being afraid of the possible outcomes. Another thing is I felt like I was becoming discouraged the more time went by, especially when I seen other’s that used me for inspiration and/or my whole marketing scheme, which was doing much better or getting more recognition mine. It’s disappointing knowing you have to rework you’re whole marketing scheme because you don’t want to look like you are copying another person’s framework when really they just took mine and had more time on their hands to put their all into it. BUT I know nothing happens overnight and I’ve only been at this for about a year. There’s still a lot I can learn and a lot more people I can reach.
6. What Is One Accomplishment I Am Proud Of?
2019 I got to edit my first urban fiction book that was not mine. It’s a different feeling when you are helping another person live out their dreams of becoming a published author. I look forward to being able to edit more books. It may seem small but it was a major accomplishment for me and I was honored someone put their trust into me when it came to their passion project.
The celibate talk again?? Yes and you’ll hear it as long as I continue to start, stop and restart my journey. The last time we had this talk was maybe 2 years ago when I was on my operation closed legs.
If you want to know how that went, I’m sure you’ve already figured that one out- I FAILED but I’ve started over again and not on purpose.
In my previous episodes of celibacy I always told myself I wasn’t going to have sex or be involved with anyone just because I wanted to see if I was capable of doing it; see how great my discipline was. The longest I held out was 6 months and maybe not even that but this time it’s different. Back then knowing that I had made a deal with myself to not have sex only made me want it more. It didn’t make it any easier being interested in someone and having temptation surrounding me. During those times I literally had no WHY!
Why did I want to practice celibacy?
Why did I want to take a break from the male species?
Why was it important for me to hold out sexually?
I didn’t really have any answers to those questions until a few encounters with a couple guys I thought I had something serious with but they opened my eyes. I had finally seen the importance of loving myself, standing my ground and not letting no nigga think it’s cool to play me out. The way a man treats you really tells you a lot and the longer you withhold anything they see of value to THEM the quicker they reveal who they really are.
This time around with my celibacy I didn’t have a talk with myself about seeing how long I could abstain from sex as I had done in previous situations but instead I started questioning why I was giving my body to men that couldn’t respect me as a woman. It’s always good when it’s all fun and games. There’s no drama when he’s having it his way but when you bring up “the talk,” the relationship one and it always seems to become a problem.
I never understood it; why was I good enough for sex but not good enough for a relationship? I had to realize it was because I wasn’t setting my standards as high as I thought I was. I wasn’t putting my full intentions out there on the table for all to see. In a way I played the submissive role and kept my mouth shut thinking that was the way to make a dude happy and eventually choose me and only me. Once I finally opened my mouth to express what I wanted from the person I had been giving every part of me to, to only get the joking you know you my boo while he entertain other women let me know that’s not what I wanted. I’d rather remain single and celibate than to invest in something or in this case someone that honestly has no worth nor seen mine.
Now, I could lie and say these 8 months without sex has been easy but I’m going to keep it real. For the most part it’s been a breeze. Not having to worry about if the person I’m fucking is throwing another woman’s legs over his shoulders or lying to my face while laying in bed with me has been beyond peaceful. The craving to feel kisses on my neck, hands on my thighs and warmth between my legs went away faster than I thought it would but I recently got a reminder that my body still craves to have a man close.
Just a few weeks ago I was ready to risk it all. For a minute I thought I could no longer feel for a man because I had closed myself off almost completely. I was so disgusted by the disrespect and the degrading remarks and actions that came from men that I didn’t care if I never had sex again. That was until I looked at him. There are just some people you continue to have this undeniable chemistry with and it almost lead me down the path I’m trying to stay far away from. It took everything in me to say, “Sydney, this isn’t what you want to do even though your body is calling for it.”
I could have easily spread my legs and let him right inside but I’m at a point where I want something that’s going to lead me down the aisle, which is why I had to take that step back and pull it together. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a serious relationship and although I doubt I hold out until marriage (kudos to me if I do) I will wait for the person that was created for me and only me.
This experience has taught me not only discipline but how to love my mind, how to respect my body and to love who I see on the mirror daily.
Wish me luck on my next 4 months and 4 more after that.
Okay, maybe not that close but after yesterday, 5/14, which was my birthday, 30 is officially 364 days away. Am I scared? Not like I thought I would be because it’s not about the age, it’s about the experiences, the lessons and the progress. I spent so much time thinking I had to have a husband by 30, a set career by 30, a home by 30 and so many other things BUT here I am at 29 and I’m HAPPY.
Within the 29 years I’ve been on this Earth I believe I’ve done and learned what I’ve needed to, so far. It started in the womb where I began to grow and learned to survive within my mother. Once I opened my eyes to the world outside of her, the growth continued, the teaching and learning began and here I am at 29 still alive and well.
It took me 29 years to realize what I was truly passionate about, to get to know myself as a woman and to realize that life isn’t all about having the best of everything ( cars, clothes, jewels etc.) Besides if I had all the things money could buy me, it would mean nothing if I wasn’t right within myself because those things aren’t what make a person complete. Even billionaires find themselves unhappy and depressed because they spent so much time assuming all the riches in the world equaled up to happiness.
That even includes finding love. Like I mentioned, I thought I’d be engaged by now and having that wedding next year. Not like it can’t still happen but I’ve been in the process of getting to know what it’s like to truly be alone, which includes no dating and I’ve even cut off those booty calls from the guy you keep on the back burner for just in case moments or the guy you think you’ll eventually be with when HE gets it together. Years of being involved with guys that didn’t truly value who I was as a woman got me thinking, it’s not just them but it’s also ME. What didn’t I like about myself that kept leading me to the same type of guys? Yea, I found my voice and spoke up about the disrespect, yet I still stuck with them because I believed I needed to have somebody no matter how bad I felt with them.
Then as far as a career, I’m not working a full-time job that I’m set in until I retire. I’m contracted but the money is nice and helping me get by. Maybe one day I’ll find that career I’m set in or maybe those books I write and clothes I enjoy creating will be the thing that gets me everything I want. Withing 2 years I’ve released 4 books, which is something I never thought I’d do and that alone is an extremely huge accomplishment. Only time will tell what’s really in my future when it comes to this author/business shit but I think it’s going to be something great.
Although I feel like 30 is officially around the corner, I’m going to enjoy the last of my 20s. I’m finally traveling more, spending more time loving on my family, my mom skills are improving, shit I’m improving and I want to continue to be the best woman and mother I can be.
So, with that said, YAY!!! to this last year in my 20s. Let’s make 29 great!!
You hear people say it all the time, “stop treating your son like he’s your boyfriend,” and I think to myself, I’d never treat my son like that but it sure doesn’t stop him from thinking he’s somebody’s man or daddy. I’m not one of those moms that goes around dressing my son up like me, even though the pictures I see of boys and their moms are freaking adorable. Although some of you moms do go a little overboard making your 3-year-old look like a 20-something-year-old drug dealer. Yes, I said it!
Anyways being that my son, who is almost 5, has always been the only boy in a house full of women, he hears from his grandpa that he is the man of the house and he is sticking to it. If you tell him he’s a little boy his favorite response is, “No, I’m not a little boy, I’m a man.” Thinking about it has me currently rolling my eyes lol.
As far as him thinking he’s the man, sorry to burst your bubble but you’re still my baby. BUT let me get into the reasons why having a son is like having a mini boyfriend.
Maybe it came from breastfeeding for almost a year or maybe it’s the fact that I’m his constant, whatever it is I cannot get this little guy from under me. He’s like my shadow that doesn’t leave my side. He refuses to sleep in his own bed because in his head my bed is his. We fight over whose is whose side and then when we fall to sleep he asks to cuddle and if we aren’t cuddling he has me in this choke hold, which stops me from moving anywhere.
2 “You’re Not Going Anywhere”
This is his favorite line when I finally get to have a kid free night. He doesn’t want me to leave the house. Possessive much lol. I know you love me but mommy needs space sometimes. If he sees me putting on shows or if I take a shower his first reaction is to ask where I’m going, which almost every time the answer is no where, but still why are you questioning me lol. But trust if I do end up with plans he will either take my shoes or stand in my way. We have got to work on that before he is actually of dating age. His girlfriend will not enjoy that lol.
3 “What Are You Wearing”
More recently he’s gotten in the habit of telling me to cover up lol. I was working out and he literally stopped me to zip up my shirt some more because, “my boobs are showing.” Kid what do you know about cleavage anyone.
Oh and I can’t forget about the times he’s made sure men stay away from me and that they don’t give me hugs. I remember being on a play date and my son seen me hugging this guy. He inserted himself between us and asked me if I needed any help. It was the cutest most sweetest thing every. My 2-year-old was being my little protector.
I could go on and on about the subject. At an early age boys become protective of their mothers and to other people they will see it as them being spoiled. The love is so unconditional and all they want is to love us and keep us safe. At times it may remind you over a jealous, overprotective, love struck ex but it’s so freaking sweet coming from a toddler.