Lethal Love

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He’s a disease that won’t stop spreading.

How can I get rid of him?

I swear he’s making me sick.

He’s consuming my every thought.

I feel him beneath my flesh.

He makes my blood boil, but he’s the only one who knows how to cool me down.

His touch is irresistible and his smile hypnotizing.

I forget about my surroundings.

I’d follow his every command and submit to everything that is him.

Every wall that I built came tumbling down.

I was left looking him in the eyes, praying he didn’t ignite the flame in my heart that took years to put out.

As he pierces me with those beautiful eyes, I can feel him eating away at me, breaking me down until finally I say, “Let’s give us another chance.”

He’s toxic, but I’m addicted to the feeling.

Intuition or Insecurity?

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Ladies, sometimes we find ourselves locked in a battle between insecurity and intuition; wondering if what you are feeling is your gut telling you something isn’t right or you just aren’t feeling great about yourself. Do you know the difference when you find yourself in a battle between the two?

I have learned to understand my feelings so that I can differentiate the two and deal with them accordingly, especially when it comes to relationships. Sometimes, depending on the events that have transpired, it gives way to insecurities for the remainder of the relationship and can even carry over into another. If you are able to recognize why you feel a certain way then you can get it in check and your emotional self will thank you for it later.

Tip: Intuition comes from a place of loving oneself. You won’t feel fearful or self-judgement but you trust in what you feel. As with insecurity it is a feelings or words that have been programmed into your brain to make you feel you aren’t worthy. – Sydney R

Let me share a short story with you and then maybe you’ll understand what I mean.
In a previous relationship of mine, it was our anniversary date and I wanted it to be special. Things had been rocky but I still wanted to honor our anniversary because it was a milestone, for me anyway. Nevertheless, I think my mate didn’t care or simply forgot. I had a little time on my hands and decided to surprise him at his job and take him to our favorite eating spot. As I was on my way there, something (my intuition) was telling me he wasn’t there but I knew he was supposed to be. I proceeded to go anyway. I pulled up to the building and didn’t see the car so I circled to the back lot, it wasn’t there either. So, I called and asked was he still at work and he said yes, but was about to leave. I felt sick. I knew he’d lied before about stuff but not like this. I let him know that I was at his job and didn’t see his car. So again, I asked where he was. He said, “Oh yeah, I forgot we went over to Applebee’s” which was in the area. I asked why he lied, but no response.

This is a case of intuition. Mines told me he wasn’t there but I ignored it and after that incident I never asked where he was going or what he was doing because I refused to let that relationship and that incident build insecurity within me. Now another ex did the same and got caught cheating, just because I was out running an errand. I’ve learned that when I’m dealing with an insecurity it makes me mad, but my intuition becomes nagging and at times can make me feel uncomfortable, but I know this is just my inner self telling or warning me of something I can’t see at that moment.

Below, our creator Sydney has a few ways you can differentiate insecurity and intuition, as she’s had her fair share of both when being in relationships:

Signs of Insecurity

  • Becomes panicked easily
  • Has issues with trusting
  • struggles with intimacy or is overly sexual
  • Is easily offended
  • Always looking for acceptance from overs
  • Doesn’t accept themselves (body negativity)

Intuition Is On Point If

  • You have vivid dreams
  • Every noticed you keep catching the same time on a clock
  • You can pick up on other’s emotions
  • You are self-aware.
  • You notice the smallest things and are aware of your surroundings.


Now, in situations you could be feeling one, the other or both but to resolve the issues it’s best to know what you are feeling. Though intuition is something we all have, at some point in life we also experience being insecure. It’s normal and apart of life, but you don’t have to let it ruin you or a relationship. Intuition can be a wonderful thing to have but it can also lead to insecurities when they turn out to be right. Don’t let these insecurities build up in you just because another person couldn’t uphold your standards. As women we need to listen to what our bodies and minds are telling us, even if it has the potential to cut us deep. Ignoring your intuition can eat at you until you break and this is something we don’t want to happen.

The Power of A Touch

“I like being touched but like… not too much.”

If you truly know me you’ll know that I’m the most affectionate yet un-affectionate person there is. Weird, I know! But it’s something about a person having there hands on me for too long that puts me in a space, an uncomfortable one, especially if my mood doesn’t call for it. It’s like if I’ve told you to back away from me and you don’t I become irritated no matter how affectionate or friendly I was with you before.

Anyways, I haven’t been in a relationship or remotely close to anyone in a long time, so I’ve become a stranger to the touch of another. Recently I got to experience a little bit of that and now I’m suddenly craving more affection. It got me interested in learning more about the power of touch; how it effects a person?

The first thing we all should know is that touch is the first sense we develop and it’s one of the most powerful forms of communication, along with eye connection. It’s also good for one’s emotional well being. Touch can soothe you, help you heal and strengthen connections. But not every touch is the same; it can be a cold and cause distance between you and another, which may be one of the reason’s I’m not always welcome to touch or people in general. Energy is real and some people don’t give off the most welcome energy. Touch can also be harmful, which is why there are rules when it comes to touch; unspoken. It is always important for us to feel safe.

The Rules:

  • Touch must feel non-sexually harassing – for example a touch to the face from a stranger or coworker can come off very inappropriate and uncomfortable. From an intimate partner is can come off as tender communication but it can also be a way for a partner to take dominance or control over you.
  • A touch to the waist can also be inappropriate so if you don’t know someone it’s best to avoid that area
    • When trying to get someone’s attention a touch on the shoulder is less harassing.

The Powers A Touch Have:

  • Reduces Stress
  • Communicates Compassion Towards Others
  • Brings People Closer: 20 seconds of a hug, hand stroke, etc is enough to release Oxycontin
  • Nurtures Growth & Development in Children
  • Decreases Violent Behavior
  • Creates Trust Between Individuals
  • Improves Intimate Relationships

As much as I try to avoid contact with humans, it’s safe to say that at the end of the day we all need someone, whether it be a friend, lover or just a smile from a stranger walking by. It’s normal to want to guard yourself from the world but there is so much you can gain from the human experience and I will note that it doesn’t have to be an intimate encounter. As long as boundaries are respected and others know what is acceptable the human touch can nourish us spiritually, keep us feeling strong and healthy, and nurture our relationships. Why would we want to rob ourselves of the positive outcomes that come with the human touch?

8 Months Dry

@CAMINHO_DO_DESPERTAR

The celibate talk again?? Yes and you’ll hear it as long as I continue to start, stop and restart my journey. The last time we had this talk was maybe 2 years ago when I was on my operation closed legs.

If you want to know how that went, I’m sure you’ve already figured that one out- I FAILED but I’ve started over again and not on purpose.

In my previous episodes of celibacy I always told myself I wasn’t going to have sex or be involved with anyone just because I wanted to see if I was capable of doing it; see how great my discipline was. The longest I held out was 6 months and maybe not even that but this time it’s different. Back then knowing that I had made a deal with myself to not have sex only made me want it more. It didn’t make it any easier being interested in someone and having temptation surrounding me. During those times I literally had no WHY!

Why did I want to practice celibacy?

Why did I want to take a break from the male species?

Why was it important for me to hold out sexually?

I didn’t really have any answers to those questions until a few encounters with a couple guys I thought I had something serious with but they opened my eyes. I had finally seen the importance of loving myself, standing my ground and not letting no nigga think it’s cool to play me out. The way a man treats you really tells you a lot and the longer you withhold anything they see of value to THEM the quicker they reveal who they really are.

This time around with my celibacy I didn’t have a talk with myself about seeing how long I could abstain from sex as I had done in previous situations but instead I started questioning why I was giving my body to men that couldn’t respect me as a woman. It’s always good when it’s all fun and games. There’s no drama when he’s having it his way but when you bring up “the talk,” the relationship one and it always seems to become a problem.

I never understood it; why was I good enough for sex but not good enough for a relationship? I had to realize it was because I wasn’t setting my standards as high as I thought I was. I wasn’t putting my full intentions out there on the table for all to see. In a way I played the submissive role and kept my mouth shut thinking that was the way to make a dude happy and eventually choose me and only me. Once I finally opened my mouth to express what I wanted from the person I had been giving every part of me to, to only get the joking you know you my boo while he entertain other women let me know that’s not what I wanted. I’d rather remain single and celibate than to invest in something or in this case someone that honestly has no worth nor seen mine.

Now, I could lie and say these 8 months without sex has been easy but I’m going to keep it real. For the most part it’s been a breeze. Not having to worry about if the person I’m fucking is throwing another woman’s legs over his shoulders or lying to my face while laying in bed with me has been beyond peaceful. The craving to feel kisses on my neck, hands on my thighs and warmth between my legs went away faster than I thought it would but I recently got a reminder that my body still craves to have a man close.

Just a few weeks ago I was ready to risk it all. For a minute I thought I could no longer feel for a man because I had closed myself off almost completely. I was so disgusted by the disrespect and the degrading remarks and actions that came from men that I didn’t care if I never had sex again. That was until I looked at him. There are just some people you continue to have this undeniable chemistry with and it almost lead me down the path I’m trying to stay far away from. It took everything in me to say, “Sydney, this isn’t what you want to do even though your body is calling for it.”

I could have easily spread my legs and let him right inside but I’m at a point where I want something that’s going to lead me down the aisle, which is why I had to take that step back and pull it together. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a serious relationship and although I doubt I hold out until marriage (kudos to me if I do) I will wait for the person that was created for me and only me.

This experience has taught me not only discipline but how to love my mind, how to respect my body and to love who I see on the mirror daily.

Wish me luck on my next 4 months and 4 more after that.

One and… DONE

A lot of people think I’m crazy when I say I only need one kid and I just cannot understand why. Like I literally had a woman tell me to not let a man dictate the number of kids I have and if I want them to just have them. I’m sorry but it’s not happening. Sure, I may have wanted more at one point in my life but spend a hour or two watching Teen Mom, you’ll want a Hysterectomy so fast.  Just take the whole fucking uterus because I refuse to have 3-4 baby daddies and my child running around with a million and one (yes, I’m dramatic) half siblings.

One and… DONE