You’re Not Obligated To Care For Everybody

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Did I ever tell you guys I did therapy for awhile? It wasn’t something I had planned on doing but during the time I was unemployed it was an option for me; one that I’m glad I was given and till this day I wish I found another therapist to continue to see. Taking the time to talk to someone outside of your circle brings a lot to the forefront that you would have never seen if it weren’t for a therapist. One of those things that came to light was it’s not my responsibility to make sure everyone around me or that I love is okay.

I’ve spent so much time holding myself back and neglecting taking care of myself because I’ve always been the type of person to base what I do in my life on others, whether that be in a relationship, with my family, or in my career. My thought process has always been if I do this I won’t be able to do that for them, which shouldn’t even be in my thoughts unless it’s something that I need to do for my son. In all honesty my son should be the only person I’m taking care of and making life easier for, until he is able to take care of himself, and my parents of course when they are unable to do for themselves.

I’ve put my time and my money into making sure people have had clothes on their backs, food in their stomachs, money in their pockets and even my car to get to and from places. I’ve done this for people who’ve never done anything for me like EVER, but I did it because I felt some sort of obligation to. If I love and care about them why wouldn’t I, right? but that should never be the case and you should never feel bad about saying no, especially if it’s going to affect you in some sort of way.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s bad to want to be that person that loves and cares for other people. It can actually have certain benefits like: lowering your blood pressure, it teaches patience, understanding, loyalty and sometimes it just feels good to make someone else happy, but it can also have it’s negatives. Spending time taking care of everyone else will always lead to you neglecting yourself and feeling like you aren’t worthy of others love and care. Eventually you may get to a point where you start rejecting those that want to be in the position you’ve always been in; wanting to care for you and love you unconditionally.

Before you get into the habit of making sure everyone in your life is okay, make sure you are taking care of yourself first. Once you are aligned mentally, physically and spiritually you’ll be in a position to accept the help you need, as well as helping others, but remember you aren’t obligated.

Self-Reflection, Detachment and Me

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When I look into a mirror I don’t think I’ve every actually seen myself; not the person on the inside at least. There has always been this shell that I look at on the daily and as much as I love that shell I don’t always like what I see. I constantly pick out flaws and go over all the ways I can cover them up with clothing, a hairstyle, makeup and other accessories. There are other times I look at myself and feel nothing at all. It’s like I’m just there, looking at a ghost or a copy of myself, but I have never taken the time to self-reflect on who I truly am on the inside or why at times I feel so invisible.

If I were to truly look at myself DETACHED would scream back at me; it’s probably been screaming back at me for years but I had things that distracted me from accepting that truth. Motherhood, work and my writing all gave me an excuse for why I couldn’t do certain things like go on a date, catch up with an old friend, make new friends and more. This gave me a reason to say I don’t have the time but there’s always time, I just didn’t want to make it. I guess you could say I’m emotionally detached and I didn’t reflect on that until I found myself drunk and in deep conversation with my mother.

It’s like I want to get close to people, make lasting friendships and fall in love but I’ve learned to detach myself from the more vulnerable side of my emotions because I haven’t had the best outcomes when it comes to any of the above. By being detached from my feelings and people I’m able to avoid trusting anyone, avoid being in a situation that will cause any kind of drama or stress. Sometimes just being around a big crowd is already too much for me to deal with and I find myself looking for my escape—a door to quickly exit out of. This is something that not only happens when I’m out in the world but even in my home, around family. I’ll spend most of my day locked in the room because I get this strong urge to be to myself. Even the sound of someone talking to me some how has this triggering affect and I just want to flee.

As I sit back and reflect on how much of a strength I feel like being detached is, it’s also one of my biggest weaknesses and nothing to brag about. Just the other day I was told it’s wrong of me to cut ties with people so quickly but I couldn’t really get why but I kind of understand it now. Other people looking in will take that as me not being a genuine or caring person. They may assume I never cared for them much or about the friendship when that’s really not the case. I’m so kind and giving. I’m super goofy and love to make people smile but I won’t get the chance to show much of that side if I continue to keep myself closed off. 

Not sure how soon it’ll take for the change to come but at least I’m starting to recognize my detachment issues, right?

 

8 Months Dry

@CAMINHO_DO_DESPERTAR

The celibate talk again?? Yes and you’ll hear it as long as I continue to start, stop and restart my journey. The last time we had this talk was maybe 2 years ago when I was on my operation closed legs.

If you want to know how that went, I’m sure you’ve already figured that one out- I FAILED but I’ve started over again and not on purpose.

In my previous episodes of celibacy I always told myself I wasn’t going to have sex or be involved with anyone just because I wanted to see if I was capable of doing it; see how great my discipline was. The longest I held out was 6 months and maybe not even that but this time it’s different. Back then knowing that I had made a deal with myself to not have sex only made me want it more. It didn’t make it any easier being interested in someone and having temptation surrounding me. During those times I literally had no WHY!

Why did I want to practice celibacy?

Why did I want to take a break from the male species?

Why was it important for me to hold out sexually?

I didn’t really have any answers to those questions until a few encounters with a couple guys I thought I had something serious with but they opened my eyes. I had finally seen the importance of loving myself, standing my ground and not letting no nigga think it’s cool to play me out. The way a man treats you really tells you a lot and the longer you withhold anything they see of value to THEM the quicker they reveal who they really are.

This time around with my celibacy I didn’t have a talk with myself about seeing how long I could abstain from sex as I had done in previous situations but instead I started questioning why I was giving my body to men that couldn’t respect me as a woman. It’s always good when it’s all fun and games. There’s no drama when he’s having it his way but when you bring up “the talk,” the relationship one and it always seems to become a problem.

I never understood it; why was I good enough for sex but not good enough for a relationship? I had to realize it was because I wasn’t setting my standards as high as I thought I was. I wasn’t putting my full intentions out there on the table for all to see. In a way I played the submissive role and kept my mouth shut thinking that was the way to make a dude happy and eventually choose me and only me. Once I finally opened my mouth to express what I wanted from the person I had been giving every part of me to, to only get the joking you know you my boo while he entertain other women let me know that’s not what I wanted. I’d rather remain single and celibate than to invest in something or in this case someone that honestly has no worth nor seen mine.

Now, I could lie and say these 8 months without sex has been easy but I’m going to keep it real. For the most part it’s been a breeze. Not having to worry about if the person I’m fucking is throwing another woman’s legs over his shoulders or lying to my face while laying in bed with me has been beyond peaceful. The craving to feel kisses on my neck, hands on my thighs and warmth between my legs went away faster than I thought it would but I recently got a reminder that my body still craves to have a man close.

Just a few weeks ago I was ready to risk it all. For a minute I thought I could no longer feel for a man because I had closed myself off almost completely. I was so disgusted by the disrespect and the degrading remarks and actions that came from men that I didn’t care if I never had sex again. That was until I looked at him. There are just some people you continue to have this undeniable chemistry with and it almost lead me down the path I’m trying to stay far away from. It took everything in me to say, “Sydney, this isn’t what you want to do even though your body is calling for it.”

I could have easily spread my legs and let him right inside but I’m at a point where I want something that’s going to lead me down the aisle, which is why I had to take that step back and pull it together. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a serious relationship and although I doubt I hold out until marriage (kudos to me if I do) I will wait for the person that was created for me and only me.

This experience has taught me not only discipline but how to love my mind, how to respect my body and to love who I see on the mirror daily.

Wish me luck on my next 4 months and 4 more after that.

30, It’s Officially Around The Corner!

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Okay, maybe not that close but after yesterday, 5/14, which was my birthday, 30 is officially 364 days away. Am I scared? Not like I thought I would be because it’s not about the age, it’s about the experiences, the lessons and the progress. I spent so much time thinking I had to have a husband by 30, a set career by 30, a home by 30 and so many other things BUT here I am at 29 and I’m HAPPY.

Within the 29 years I’ve been on this Earth I believe I’ve done and learned what I’ve needed to, so far. It started in the womb where I began to grow and learned to survive within my mother. Once I opened my eyes to the world outside of her, the growth continued, the teaching and learning began and here I am at 29 still alive and well.

It took me 29 years to realize what I was truly passionate about, to get to know myself as a woman and to realize that life isn’t all about having the best of everything ( cars, clothes, jewels etc.) Besides if I had all the things money could buy me, it would mean nothing if I wasn’t right within myself because those things aren’t what make a person complete.  Even billionaires find themselves unhappy and depressed because they spent so much time assuming all the riches in the world equaled up to happiness.

That even includes finding love. Like I mentioned, I thought I’d be engaged by now and having that wedding next year. Not like it can’t still happen but I’ve been in the process of getting to know what it’s like to truly be alone, which includes no dating and I’ve even cut off those booty calls from the guy you keep on the back burner for just in case moments or the guy you think you’ll eventually be with when HE gets it together. Years of being involved with guys that didn’t truly value who I was as a woman got me thinking, it’s not just them but it’s also ME. What didn’t I like about myself that kept leading me to the same type of guys? Yea, I found my voice and spoke up about the disrespect, yet I still stuck with them because I believed I needed to have somebody no matter how bad I felt with them.

Then as far as a career, I’m not working a full-time job that I’m set in until I retire. I’m contracted but the money is nice and helping me get by. Maybe one day I’ll find that career I’m set in or maybe those books I write and clothes I enjoy creating will be the thing that gets me everything I want. Withing 2 years I’ve released 4 books, which is something I never thought I’d do and that alone is an extremely huge accomplishment. Only time will tell what’s really in my future when it comes to this author/business shit but I think it’s going to be something great.

Although I feel like 30 is officially around the corner, I’m going to enjoy the last of my 20s. I’m finally traveling more, spending more time loving on my family, my mom skills are improving, shit I’m improving and I want to continue to be the best woman and mother I can be.

So, with that said, YAY!!! to this last year in my 20s. Let’s make 29 great!!

 

IT’S A GIVEAWAY!

To celebrate the one year anniversary of my book, “The Diary of She,” I’m doing a giveaway 🎉

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HERE’S HOW YOU ENTER☺️.

💕Like this picture on IG/or this blog post

💕Follow @s_dot_reed and @_thediaryofshe

💕Tag a friend in the comments

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Hope you all have a great Valentine’s Day and I will be DMing the winners this weekend. Good luck 🍀👍🏽 .

Here’s a synopsis of the book below:

“The Diary of She is for the woman who has been shattered to pieces and told she couldn’t be fixed, for the woman who almost gave up on life because she felt like there was no place for her in this world, for the woman who had enough of being treated like she was less than, and for the woman who loved others more than herself. The Diary of She is a collection of poems that represent all the women who have struggled to find themselves. 

As women, we hold our tongues and suffer in silence because we don’t want to be portrayed in a different kind of light, but there’s no reason to hide our imperfections and censor our words. The Diary of She is a collection of everything women have thought but were too afraid to say. She is you and me.”