Lifestyle · Motherhood

Motherhood – The Beautiful Struggle

The moment I became a mother, life changed. I knew I’d have to be stronger than what I was. I had to become selfless because I was no longer alone. There wasn’t a book that could prepare me for what was to come. After all, not every experience was the same. Either, I had it or I didn’t, and let me tell you… Baby, I was made for this shit

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Renee, Sydney. The Diary of She – Vol. II: Poems & Affirmations

When you first tell people you are having a child, most moms-to-be hear about how beautiful motherhood is and how much of a blessing it is, which it is. It’s like opening up a new present everyday. Some days you may not like what surprises come your way but you’re always extremely happy and blessed to be able to say that gift is forever going to be yours. I didn’t get the sugar-coated story of how beautiful motherhood was I got the real, the stories of how hard things are going to be raising a child alone. It used to get to me and I always assumed no one was happy about the life I was bringing into the world. I assumed everyone thought I was making a mistake but instead my family just wanted me to see both sides, yeah its beautiful but it’s also going to be a struggle.

My son is 4-years-old now and everything about him brings joy to my life. I still watch over him like he’s a newborn baby that looks way too fragile to touch. He may be half my size but I still hold onto him like he’s a 6-pound baby even if i start to get uncomfortable from him being half my size but I continue because bliss is having him close. I hate to see his feelings hurt and when he’s sick all I want to do is comfort him in every way that I can. I love watching him play in his own little world, using that beautiful imagination that I pray stays with him as he gets older. The day’s I’m down and feeling like everything around me is falling apart I can look to him and every negative feeling that’s going through me is suddenly cleansed from my body because that’s the kind of magic he carries. His voice is like the sound of angels and his I love yous are music to my ears. I honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him. My love for him is unconditional and I couldn’t imagine anything coming close to the joy he brings.

But then again no matter how beautiful it all is or how much love I have in me, just like any mother, especially a single one, I find myself exhausted, angry and sometimes having resentment towards the man who helped me create him because he isn’t there for all the hard times. The times I get an hour of sleep  because my son’s allergies make it hard for him to breathe or because his head is pounding and he doesn’t know that the more he cries the worst it’s going to get. I can remember the first time it really hit me that I was doing this thing called motherhood on my own. My son had to only be 2 and that whole day I started to notice he was breathing kind of heavy and I could see his ribs from his back. Things weren’t changing but only getting worst so it was time to take him to the hospital. I was grateful my older sister was in town to go with me but before we left I had to take a moment and cry in the bathroom because I was sad that he was going through that but I was also sad that I didn’t have the support of his dad. This was the first time I had to deal with something serious alone but it wasn’t going to be the last and yet I still have so many years ahead of me.

There’s time I feel horrible as a mom because I’ve spent all day yelling for my son to listen then, wondering why do I even bother. Having to listen to him cry because now I have to take the things away that he enjoys just to remind him that some of the things he’s doing isn’t nice and that mommy doesn’t like having to be mean for him to listen. I have those moments that I feel bad because I don’t have the funds to take him out to all these fun places so I send him to the backyard to play instead, thankful that he knows how’s to enjoy himself. Yet, still carrying the resentment that for 4 years now I’ve been taking care of all the medical bills, all the schooling, all the groceries and everything else on my own that pertains to my son because no matter how much I’m struggling he has to be taken care of but his dad can come up with all the excuses to why he hasn’t been able to help.

I try my hardest to let go of the resentment I feel but again I have moment’s when I was to yell, scream, and let him know this beautiful creation is not just mine. I’ll always enjoy having this life only because my son is in it and he brings me more great days than bad ones but to all the mother’s out there just know we will always have moments of feeling like we just want a little break to take care of our mental. We spend our lives taking care of everyone but ourselves and though others may not notice what goes into motherhood, the sacrifices we make and how we all know how to make something out of nothing, I’m here to say I’m right there with you.

Lifestyle

Diary of A Single Mom: Discipline

Being someone’s mother is an absolute blessing but as I sit here listening to my son cry I remember that although it’s the best gift that can be given to any woman in this universe it is also a stressful one.

If you’re wondering why he is crying it’s because he’s laying in bed with the lights and television off since he decided to be disobedient after I told him over and over to stop acting out. It’s getting to a point where I’m trying to figure out how to handle him when it comes to disciplining him.

Just a few days ago I told his grandmother and TT that we all shouldn’t constantly yell at him because I feel that its way too many people coming at him. I’ll do the yelling and baby taps when I feel like it’s absolutely necessary but before I get there I want to try the time outs and sitting him down for a talk. At times I find that putting him in a corner or turning everything off works because he knows that he did something wrong and from the crying I can tell he’s pissed about it. Eventually after spending what seems like an hour crying, he’ll calm down and go back to behaving nicely. I notice that when we yell it doesn’t bother him one bit. He’ll get a little attitude, be quiet for a few minutes and then goes right back to raising hell. I could be thinking ahead too much but I don’t want him thinking that he should just do whatever he wants because he’s going to get yelled at anyway but I also don’t want him thinking it’s okay to disobey us because he thinks we aren’t going to say anything.

Continue reading “Diary of A Single Mom: Discipline”

dating · Lifestyle · Motherhood

Diary of A Single Mom – Dating ‘Single’ Dads

I never liked dating… to be honest up until my son I literally always had a boyfriend. Once me and my son’s dad didn’t work out I swore off dating for almost a year. My main focus was on my son, to get over my heartbreak and build my strength back up. Doing that meant there was no room for any men to come in my life and fuck me up any further.

Once I did start thinking about dating, which really only came to mind when I wanted to get out the house, I started thinking who wants someone who just had a kid. Then it was like okay what if i start liking the person I’m dating. I can’t just bring anyone around unless they are serious about me. A million thoughts started to run through my mind again and I was just like I do not want to do this dating thing anymore. It was going to be way too much for me to handle. How was I gong to split my time between my son and whatever guy I let in my life? Shit I wasn’t. My son was going to always come before him and not a lot of guys could handle that. If you were going to date me your were going to have to understand I can’t come running like most girls and I’m definitely not going to play games.

Before even entertaining anyone the first thing I mentioned was my son and the following questions followed:

  • How do you feel about women with kids?
  • Have you dated someone with kids?
  • Do you like kids?
  • Are you looking for something serious or casual?

I didn’t want to get involved with anyone who wasn’t looking toward the future. If they were looking to have “fun” I wasn’t interested.

Continue reading “Diary of A Single Mom – Dating ‘Single’ Dads”

Lifestyle

The Single Mom Diaries – It Started With A Test

clear-blue-pregnancy-testMy life changed the day I pissed on that little stick we all know as a pregnancy test. I remember it like it was yesterday; Almost exactly a year ago, October 9, 2013. I had to work that day and my period was already three days late. For someone like me, who keeps track of her periods and is literally always on time I knew something was wrong but all I could do was deny deny deny. That was until something in the back of my mind said run to the store and that’s exactly what I did. Fifteen minutes  later I was looking at a plus sign. I was indeed pregnant and there was no way I could deny it. Five seconds after peeing on that stick the plus signed showed up clear as the sky on a hot summer day. So I sent it to my boyfriend at the time who replied, “Are you really?”

Now with that said I should have taken that as a sign. Of course I was really pregnant, I wouldn’t send a picture of a pregnancy test if I wasn’t. Some women play those games but not I. Plus when you’re having unprotected sex there’s only so much that can happen; a STD or a baby and we ended up with a baby. Or let’s be more clear, I ended up with a baby.

So many times women end up single mothers because they base what they do in life off of a guys broken promises. Am I wrong or am I right? He tells you he loves you and can’t live life without you. He wants you as his wife and to have your kids. Lets be honest this usually all happens at the beginning of the relationship, the honeymoon stage. The two of you haven’t even actually gotten to know each other. The sexual chemistry is there but nothing else. He’s whispering sweet nothings in your ear not realizing when he forgets about it, those words are still implanted in your head. The honeymoon stage ends and you end up breaking up or are on the verge of breaking up and you end up pregnant. Now this is when you have to throw everything he said out the windows and make a decision for YOURSELF. A lot of young women do not do that. They think maybe if I keep the baby he’ll change and we can be a family. I personally think that’s the worst decision a woman can make; having a baby because they think it’ll get them the man.

When I seen my positive pregnancy test EVERYTHING popped into my head. I was happy, scared, confused, sad and  happy again. But the one thing I knew I wasn’t going to do was get an abortion. I experience it once a week before senior year started and it was something I wasn’t doing again. Back then I knew I wouldn’t be able to take care of a baby but having a baby at 24 I knew I had a better chance. I got my bachelors degree and I knew my baby was who I was going to be living for so me continuing to go forward in life wasn’t and isn’t going to stop. Like many women I hoped for my baby’s dad to be there but I also knew that wasn’t a guarantee so from the beginning in the back of my mind part of me was preparing to be a single mom. Of course I wasn’t going to admit that to my family because like many women you don’t want your relationship to be looked at as a fail but sometimes we have to accept that all things aren’t meant to be in order to move on.

I had my son on June 17,2014 and it’s been a blessing. God gave me the greatest gift. I’m not with his father and I haven’t been for months. At first I hated it and at times I still have my moments BUT I wouldn’t change a thing. We as women are strong, stronger than we like to believe and we were made for this.