Self-Reflection, Detachment and Me

Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash

When I look into a mirror I don’t think I’ve every actually seen myself; not the person on the inside at least. There has always been this shell that I look at on the daily and as much as I love that shell I don’t always like what I see. I constantly pick out flaws and go over all the ways I can cover them up with clothing, a hairstyle, makeup and other accessories. There are other times I look at myself and feel nothing at all. It’s like I’m just there, looking at a ghost or a copy of myself, but I have never taken the time to self-reflect on who I truly am on the inside or why at times I feel so invisible.

If I were to truly look at myself DETACHED would scream back at me; it’s probably been screaming back at me for years but I had things that distracted me from accepting that truth. Motherhood, work and my writing all gave me an excuse for why I couldn’t do certain things like go on a date, catch up with an old friend, make new friends and more. This gave me a reason to say I don’t have the time but there’s always time, I just didn’t want to make it. I guess you could say I’m emotionally detached and I didn’t reflect on that until I found myself drunk and in deep conversation with my mother.

It’s like I want to get close to people, make lasting friendships and fall in love but I’ve learned to detach myself from the more vulnerable side of my emotions because I haven’t had the best outcomes when it comes to any of the above. By being detached from my feelings and people I’m able to avoid trusting anyone, avoid being in a situation that will cause any kind of drama or stress. Sometimes just being around a big crowd is already too much for me to deal with and I find myself looking for my escape—a door to quickly exit out of. This is something that not only happens when I’m out in the world but even in my home, around family. I’ll spend most of my day locked in the room because I get this strong urge to be to myself. Even the sound of someone talking to me some how has this triggering affect and I just want to flee.

As I sit back and reflect on how much of a strength I feel like being detached is, it’s also one of my biggest weaknesses and nothing to brag about. Just the other day I was told it’s wrong of me to cut ties with people so quickly but I couldn’t really get why but I kind of understand it now. Other people looking in will take that as me not being a genuine or caring person. They may assume I never cared for them much or about the friendship when that’s really not the case. I’m so kind and giving. I’m super goofy and love to make people smile but I won’t get the chance to show much of that side if I continue to keep myself closed off. 

Not sure how soon it’ll take for the change to come but at least I’m starting to recognize my detachment issues, right?

 

Gems From Nipsey

It’s been over a week since we lost a predominant figure in the rap game as well as around the world and particularly in his community.  Nipsey Hussle, birth name Ermias Joseph Asghedom, wasn’t just known for his lyrics but for his activism, entrepreneurship, spirit and his overall efforts/contributions to bettering himself and his community. Nipsey Hussle was and still is an inspiration to those who know him and even those just finding out about him through his death. He was truly the 2Pac of our generation and his legacy will forever live on.

Ermias will be taking his final victory lap tomorrow, April 11, and to honor his memory I would like to share a few gems that will inspire myself and everyone else to continue the marathon. It won’t be easy but it is possible and with his words of encouragement we can become whatever we want and create a path for our children and their children to follow.

1. “The most important thing, number one, is you gotta get rid of doubt. If you got doubt in what you’re doing, it’s not gonna work and the way to do that is you have a plan. ‘Cause if you got a plan, it’s not just like a pipe-dream, you have a step-by-step list of things to do to get to your goal. If you don’t have that, it’s very hard to really have faith in what you’re doing ’cause soon as something pop up, it’s gonna look like the end-all.”

2. “The company you keep has a large influence on the situations you bring to yourself. So, whatever direction motherfuckers are heading in, whether it’s rap music, production, or a 9-5 life, whatever it is; you gotta surround yourself with people that’s like-minded and focused on the same goal you’re focused on. Birds of a feather flock together.”

3. ” You gotta just stick to the script, believe and have an overwhelming confidence. Be your own biggest fan, your own biggest believer, and put it on your back and carry the weight.”

4. “The best teacher in life is your own experience/ None of us know who we are until we fail/ They say every man is defined by his reaction to any given situation/ Well who would you want to define you?/ Someone else or yourself? Whatever you do, homie, give your heart to it/ And stay strong.”

5. “Instead of trying to build a brick wall, lay a brick everyday. Eventually you’ll look up and you’ll have a brick wall.”

6. “I just believe in ownership… I believe in investing in yourself…Your foundation should be strong.”

What will you do to help the marathon continue?

I’m going to continue to have faith in myself, study my craft more and learn more about investing. I want have/attend events to help empower and women like myself. The list will only grow and one day I will have that peace & financial stability I desire.

Until then I’m going to leave you with my favorite song from Nipsey 💙🏁🕊

New Book Alert !

Hey everyone! If you didn’t know I’ve released my 4th book, 2nd novel, “In Love With An Oakland Hot Boy. ”

The story is revolved around a young lady by the name of London and the struggle she had to go through growing up in a dysfunctional household. You can read the synopsis below and meet a few of the main characters. If you find yourself intrigued don’t hesitate to get your copy and to tell a friend.

New Book Alert !

IT’S A GIVEAWAY!

To celebrate the one year anniversary of my book, “The Diary of She,” I’m doing a giveaway 🎉

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HERE’S HOW YOU ENTER☺️.

💕Like this picture on IG/or this blog post

💕Follow @s_dot_reed and @_thediaryofshe

💕Tag a friend in the comments

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Hope you all have a great Valentine’s Day and I will be DMing the winners this weekend. Good luck 🍀👍🏽 .

Here’s a synopsis of the book below:

“The Diary of She is for the woman who has been shattered to pieces and told she couldn’t be fixed, for the woman who almost gave up on life because she felt like there was no place for her in this world, for the woman who had enough of being treated like she was less than, and for the woman who loved others more than herself. The Diary of She is a collection of poems that represent all the women who have struggled to find themselves. 

As women, we hold our tongues and suffer in silence because we don’t want to be portrayed in a different kind of light, but there’s no reason to hide our imperfections and censor our words. The Diary of She is a collection of everything women have thought but were too afraid to say. She is you and me.”